On tonight's episode of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer GET ENGAGED!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!
LC brings us up to date on all of the pseudo-dramatic goings-on in Tinseltown in her usual intro recap, completing with a note that Spencer had better be on his best behavior because Heidi has a "very special visitor coming to town." I'm thinking Aunt Flo?
Heidi approaches Spencer in their Very Special Aryan Kitchen, and I note that they have a gratuitous amount of highlighters in their pencil holder for a couple of people who aren't in school. And don't read. Spencer deftly ignores Heidi's usual yapping by Twittering on his iPhone, that is until Heidi mentions her father is coming to town. "And not my stepdad... like, MY REAL DAD." I'm going to need a DNA test, please. And perhaps a hooting, hollering audience for the results segment. Evidently the sedate, calm dude who's always to the left of Darlene is not the male from whose loins Heidi sprang forth into this great world. That gentleman is a gun-totin' cowboy named Bill, who I imagine lives in the mountains on nothing but baked beans, the quiet vastness of the West and "Brokeback Mountain" fantasies.
Heidi reminds Spencer to be nice (when has that request ever worked for her?) because "you've never met a dad like my dad. So just... think about that." Indeed, Spencer can't close his mouth for the duration of the segment, further proof that either a) Spencer is shocked, SHOCKED at the information at hand, b) Heidi's not the only one who can do the Blow-Up Doll Face, or c) Spencer is a total retard. Okay, I'm sorry, that's a little harsh. c) Spencer is totally brain-dead.
At a video shoot for a lame post-pop-punk band, Blahdrina and Ciara don sunglasses even more unsightly than last week (possible? I thought not, but Blahdrina always manages to impress me) and talk about how awesome it is that the record company released them from their cubicle prison and is now allowing them to interact with "real" musicians. Through a sequence of reaction shots and angles from the back, they overdub some lines about how one time Stephanie and a guy from this band met each other. You hear that? They MET. (Cue "Saved By The Bell" kiss audience.)
Then we're treated to a super-long sampling of the band's soon-to-be-hit single, which is so fucking generic they should call it "Naproxen." Blahdrina sighs that boys in bands are sooo promiscuous and that she would never go out with one (again) because girls just throw themselves at those boys. Way to judge the slutty, Leather Bustier. Just then, Stephanie comes up behind them and throws her arms, as well as the entirety of her coked-out enthusiasm, around Blah and Ciara with a happy hello.
The band finishes their take and comes over to greet Steph, and they bullshit for awhile about Chicago (which is so weird because Stephanie just pretended SHE was in Chicago!) and Stephanie giggles with her arms folded like the awkward self-loather she is. The balding goofball of a lead singer suggests they make plans to hang out over the weekend, to which Steph swoons, "They are SO NICE" as they walk away.
In Santa Monica, the happy couple waits for Heidi's Real Dad to show up and Heidi claims she's always been more afraid of her dad than her mom. First of all, that's terrifying. We all know Darlene knows how to throw the smack down in the name of justice. Secondly, I'm kind of afraid to see a man who can wield his power over a woman like that. I mean, we all know how to wield power over Heidi - just threaten to stop calling her a princess and she'll break - but Darlene? Yeesh.
In walks Cowboy Bill, who looks pretty much the way you'd expect: like a combination between Jack Palance and the scary old dude from "Home Alone." And, for a cowboy, not nearly as hot as even a dead Heath Ledger. Spencer hugs the old man, who freezes up as if to say, "Real men don't hug, they share their flask of whiskey." Heidi greets her stepmother, Terri, with all of the sincerity of a real estate agent.
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Comments (7)
stephanie pratt...wow...just wow
1 of 7 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on May 20, 2009 2:10 PM
So, as usual your recaps made me laugh quite hard. :o)
The part about the movie fear was one of my most favorites.
Heidi's real dad was ridiculous but it was great because for once Spencer looked like he might actually piss himself.
The proposal was sweet in it's sick kind of material way and the pecking that the two of them did made me want to barf.
Lauren did an excellent job firing stephanie and the look that Lauren's co worker shot her cracked me up.
Though I am not proud of steph's work ethic I admired the way she told that band dude to "zip his flirtatious lips" because honestly, what kind of douche explains his relationship as a "situation"
I love how Lauren and Brody have platonic romantic dinners. As most other viewers feel I wish that the two of them would just date again already. He is yummy and I hope that he stays on the hills even though Lauren is leaving.
Yes, Lauren has made a few people cry. Audrina, jenbunny, heidi, and oh, yeah stephanie! I am sure they are not the only ones!
2 of 7 | Posted by whit-ster | Posted on May 20, 2009 2:46 PM
Heidi's daddy reminds me of the man that did the Quacker Oatmeal commercials. Funny though...Heidi actually looks just like her Step-Dad. Hmmmm..sounds a little fishy to me.
Did Audrina actually call someone else 'Promiscious"?? Wow, talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
When Spence pulled out that ring I said "Yep, somebody has been to Claire's"
3 of 7 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on May 20, 2009 8:28 PM
OOOppppssss, I forgot to say this: What the hell was Steph wearing when she met Heidi for lunch??? It looked like a tater sack being held in place by some duct tape.
I cant believe that heidis dad asked spence what his 'intentions' were with his daughter. Lets see, been shacking up for awhile, getting the milk for free........
Is the word Narly really spelled Gnarly??
4 of 7 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on May 20, 2009 8:40 PM
Love the Fear reference! Maybe Spencer can tattoo his chest with
Heidi
4
Eva
5 of 7 | Posted by totallydifferenthead | Posted on May 21, 2009 10:51 AM
HIGH-LARIOUS! Great job O.Snapp! This was a good episode! I liked watching Spencer squirm at the thought of Heidi's (real) dad coming. I wish her dad had really tortured him more though. He seemed to win over the dad so easily. I guess teaming up against Darlene must have been a stroke of genius. I, too, thought it was a risky move. The interesting thing is that Darlene thinks Spencer reminds her of Bill, and she DIVORCED Bill. If Heidi is anything like Darlene, she could eventually be following in the same footsteps....They certainly don't SEEM that similar, but I'm sure eventually she will see the light.
6 of 7 | Posted by thatswhatshesaid | Posted on May 21, 2009 10:52 AM
Osnapp, I have to tell you how much I love your recaps. You're totally one of the writers I go to when I need to 'get in the mood': the writing mood that is. Sorry, didn't mean to make you too uncomfortable. Hee-hee.
Hugs,
Yenta
7 of 7 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on May 24, 2009 6:07 AM