"So, here we are, frenemies."
This week on "The Hills," nobody is dating anybody, LC doesn't care, and Heidi is in perfect mental health. Yeah right! Join me, won't you, to find out which blonde ends up with the sunlight streaming through her golden tresses as she sobs silently by the end of the half hour! Welcome to The Hills, betches!
After a "last time" that sounds like an entry from a ten-year-old's diary hidden beneath her four-poster canopy princess bed, we meet LC and Whitney half-heartedly working out at the gym. LC's silent trainer looks likewise bored, holding his hands up and rolling his eyes while LC throws "punches" at him and Whitney plays with barbells on the floor. LC fills Whit in on the Steph/Duhg situation (I'm pretty sure Whitney's the only person in L.A. that Blahdrina didn't talk to about the whole thing) and asks, "Stephanie PRATT and Duhg??" No, Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
"Sure this is fun, but I'd really rather be twirling my hair in front of Duhg."
"And that's the guy that you dated?" asks trainer hunk out of nowhere. Listen honey, if we wanted you to talk, we'd be giving you 35K per episode by now, so shut it and get LC skinnier, mmmkay? Let her get her symbolic boxing exercise in while she's talking about her former bestie.
"Let's go to Jazzercise next."
At Fit'Em, legions of girls loll about, preparing for their futures by chatting on their cell phones and avoiding responsibility. LC is among them, happily texting until Stephanie (Pratt, not Princess) comes bopping along. Stephanie compliments her on... being pink? I'm not sure if that's a jab at her slight drop in tan from being in Europe or what, but LC just half-smiles and nods, staring off into space. Perhaps she's figuring out how to confront Steph. Or perhaps she's thinking about tacos. Either way, Steph responds in kind by displaying her finest Distressed Baby face.
"Totes goo goo, and a li'l bit of ga ga."
LC takes the Leno/Hugh Grant route and asks Stephanie point-blank what the hell she's doing with Duhg. Stephanie sputters, "I... just like... He just like... came out of left field and... totally took advantage of..." Of what? Of your complete disloyalty and lack of self-control? ".... uh, using me to get back at you..." she continues. You know, with this bit of rhetorical logic, Stephanie might just have a shot at becoming our next vice president.
"I'm not gonna call him back. Obviously," she says, raising her eyebrows as though to complete her thought, "... now that you clearly have a problem with it." She tries to change the subject by asking LC if she's going to a party the next night at... Duhg's house. Good job, Sparky. LC questions her motives in attending the party, but Steph assures her she said she'd go way back before she was even friends with Duhg. "Oh." LC looks confused, staring into nothingness for a good five seconds, and I wish she'd stop trying to think so hard all the time. THEY'RE BONING. Just accept it.
"K, but what am I supposed to do about this mustache?"
*shudder* "I dunno, but the real tragedy is that guy wearing chinos over yonder."
At the Heidi/Spencer House Of Emptiness, Holly and Heidi are making cupcakes for Heidi's birthday. Damn, that just sounds like a scene out of a second grader's coloring book. But only if the second grader only had yellow, beige, and black to work with. Ooohh, and sparkly silver. Holls sings that she has a surprise for Heidi, a birthday present! "Is it, like, a thing?" Heidi is beginning to say when the door knocks. Well, it can't be a place, so that narrows the choices down to person or thing in the realm of birthday present nouns. I have my money on a life-size wax replica of David Hasselhoff when Heidi opens the door to find - shock of shocks! - her mom! This is sure to please the king of the household.
"How many goddamn tampons must a man deal with in his own home?!"
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Comments (18)
Spencer's creepy serial killer smile was even more terrifying than usual this episode. I'm starting to wonder if he's about to tell Heidi to put the lotion on her skin or she gets the hose again.
1 of 18 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on October 1, 2008 11:44 AM
Know what, LAjane? I could totally see him also looking at himself in the mirror and saying "I'd fuck me... I'd fuck me so haaaard!" *shudder*
love, J-Mo :)
2 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 1, 2008 1:34 PM
Spam much? Tacky, tacky, tacky...
3 of 18 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 1, 2008 8:13 PM
sorry about the spam! they have now been banished. bastards.
and o great recap. love the stache pic. LOL
4 of 18 | Posted by flipit | Posted on October 1, 2008 9:07 PM
This show is like Lauren Conrad and her Vapid Band of Ding Dongs.
Do they not understand that lying just makes them look like twits because, I don't know, CAMERAS CATCH THE TRUTH?
Man, Heidi is so far gone. If a friend of mine, let alone a boyfriend, was so rude and condescending to my parents, they would be cut out immediately. Props to Darlene for calling him out - maybe Heidi will see it and a light will go on? Doubtful.
I hope Holly and Darlene are there to stage some sort of intervention. Spencer is such a douche. I genuinely believe that Heidi Montag is a nice person - she showed that in season 1. Dumb yes, but not mean. SBut she's been all Hollywoodized and brainwashed - now she looks like Slutty Barbie and is a snotty bitch. Old Heidi was much better because she was real.
Cheers to the dimwits.
5 of 18 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 2, 2008 1:04 AM
It's so true, J-Mo. And you know, maybe that's a good thing, because guess what Spencer? No one else will.
Also, I second your shudder. Ewwww.
6 of 18 | Posted by lajane | Posted on October 2, 2008 8:54 AM
Seeing Stephanie at Bella reminded me of the chick Seinfeld dated who only looked decent in certain lights! In others she'd look a haggard mess.
LC handled this situation maturely, but she did manage to get one of her patented PA digs in at Steph -- after she comforted Stephanie, she said something like "I didn't realize you guys got coffee too..."
There was a girl lounging around at the party who I could have sworn was Jen Bunney. Did anyone else notice?
And LOL, LAjane. I can totally picture Spencer doing that as well. Shamefully, I have come to look at his antics (the tivo drama, the way he acted while living with his sister last season) with more amusement than disgust. But his treatment of Darlene was too much...what an unbelievable display of douchebaggery. I too wish that Heidi would see the light, and it kind of sucks having to see them in US Weekly constantly and know they're still together. If their photo shoots weren't all over the place I'd actually have some hope that Heidi might start seeing the light.
7 of 18 | Posted by msu11y27 | Posted on October 2, 2008 10:05 AM
I too thought I saw JenBunny...wow
8 of 18 | Posted by tifne22 | Posted on October 2, 2008 10:54 AM
Two things.
When the faceless-LAers shot came up, I, too, was reminded of your "uniform" comment".
And I LOVE Darlene.
9 of 18 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on October 2, 2008 12:17 PM
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO CALL OUT LC'S DIRTY MAKE UP 'STACH FOR WEEKS NOW!!!!!
Thank you Lord, my prayers have been answered!
BTHT
10 of 18 | Posted by BeenThereHateThat | Posted on October 2, 2008 12:58 PM
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO POINT OUT LC'S DIRTY MAKE UP 'STASH FOR WEEKS.
Thank you Lord my prayers have been answered.
11 of 18 | Posted by BeenThereHateThat | Posted on October 2, 2008 1:10 PM
I personally like Spencer. Every episode he gets cuter and cuter. Do you think he's not acting like a dick on purpose? Don't you think he would of be phased out of the story line by now had he not made the genius business move to become the first Villan of The Hills?
Also, since when does the freaking planet revolve around Lauren and her stache. =) hee hee
12 of 18 | Posted by Barbie071979 | Posted on October 2, 2008 1:27 PM
I'm telling you, the Montague's and Prattulets are lining up for a war of Shakespearian proportions.
Hopefully the ending will be the same....
13 of 18 | Posted by miss tint | Posted on October 2, 2008 6:09 PM
Yes, I'm glad you mentioned JennBunny, msu11y27. I saw her and thought, "JennBunny? What's she doing there?" But then you never saw her again. Too weird.
And what IS with the entire cast always coming to all the parties?!
I was surprised to see Justin Bobby there. Didn't Blahdrina JUST SAY (last week?) that she was tired of making all the effort - that he didn't give back enough and something to the effect that she was guarded now? Why willingly hang around a douche?
14 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on October 3, 2008 9:40 AM
oh my lord..whos reading about the drama going on between Lauren and Audrina?..supposedly Lauren hooked up with Justin!..what a shady hoe..nobody could ever do that to her, but SHE could bust that shit on someone?...i HATE how just because she hooked up with EVERYONE at one time or another, everyone else who shows interest fuckin tiptoes around her like shes some god or something, she doesnt OWN all the guys she's hooked up with FUCK!...(p.s. ii dont know if its true but i hope it is..that would be oh so juicy)
15 of 18 | Posted by loves2play05 | Posted on October 3, 2008 4:15 PM
calm down loves2play05, it's not true. check perez.
16 of 18 | Posted by kiwi | Posted on October 3, 2008 9:11 PM
yeah i saw that its not true, well it isnt definite but signs point to no..but i still think lauren is annoying for thinking just because she already hooked up with someone that they are hers only forever and no girl will be her friend if they do
17 of 18 | Posted by LOVES2PLAY05 | Posted on October 6, 2008 3:16 PM
Oh so sorry Barbie1979, there's nothing more to pay attention to on this stupid scripted show, other than bad make up 'staches and greasy unwashed hair, or LC's apparent 'laryngitis' when she rolls up to her 'job' at People's Revolution once a week for her cameo.
Puhleeze.
BTHT
18 of 18 | Posted by BeenThereHateThat | Posted on October 8, 2008 10:22 AM