Welcome, everyone, to another fun-filled half-hour of uncomfortable reaction shots, listless wealth, and badly overdubbed audio, all presided over by the Queen of Meh herself, Ms. Lauren Conrad ('n' Friends!). Last week ended with a tear-filled reunion, and tonight will bring the return Pigpen's douchiness (Hint: it was hiding under his goatee). Naturally, these people haven't matured emotionally past the eleventh grade, so the least we can do is insult them behind their backs. Join me, won't you?
LC then.
LC now.
We open at La Casa de SelfishAsshole, where Spencer is busy pretending to text friends he no longer has while Heidi and Holls plan their evening. Holls, being a new blonde with a TV career in Hollywood, is dying to go out, i.e. get some of that free coke that's been going around with the celebs. But alas, Heidi claims she must work tomorrow so she can't go. When has that ever stopped her? Not sure, but the good news is she's perfecting the art of Pouting with Preemptive Botox.
"They offer a seminar at the Annex."
Holls reasons that she needs to meet people, because the only ones she knows so far are the two jerkoffs sitting in front of her and Lauren. At the mention of his archnemesis, Spencer (unsurprisingly) lets his displeasure be known to the world.
"My brow visor will not stand for this!"
He sarcastically sings LC's praises before Heidi mentions how "really close" Holly and LC used to be, which seems odd to me. Exactly how did Lauren, a lifetime resident of sunny California, and Holly, living in Colorado, form such an unbreakable bond for "such a long time?" Sounds written to me. Spencer lays down the law, 1950s-style, commanding that no woman living under his roof shall "fratenize" with the one known as L.C., and storms out of the room, adjusting his nuts on the way out. In kind, Heidi responds like a meek, beaten housewife, hanging her head in shame and afraid to speak up against her dickhead of a boyfriend. Seriously, is he drugging her? Anyway, in other news tonight, doesn't Holls look exactly like fitness guru Denise Austin?
The resemblance is uncanny, no?
At PR, the blondettes spend a good fifteen seconds in silence, pretending to do some work, during which time I ponder the differences between LC and Whitney's self-presentation. Whitney, I note, dresses for success, if you will (and I'm sure you will). She always looks neat, well-groomed and thoughtfully put together. Lauren, on the other hand, always spends these work scenes looking like she just rolled out of bed and is fulfilling an obligation (which, doubtless, she is) - natty hair, bad fake tan, and not even a drop of lip gloss. I don't think she needs to be in a ball gown or anything, I just think she could at least put the same amount of time into getting ready for work in the FASHION INDUSTRY as she does getting ready to go to Goa. Anyway, Whit plays with the computer while LC does some intense texting.
"So what's this internet business everyone's talking about?"
Through a lot of unnecessary whispering, LC explains that Holly just texted her, which prompts Whitney to make probably the only sour face I've ever seen her make.
"Do you smell rotten eggs?"
LC laments how torn she is because she doesn't want anything bad to happen to Holly if they hang out, like getting struck by lightning or getting into a terrible car wreck. Or having her bitch sister get pissed. She reiterates how close they used to be, and I roll my eyes, and Whitney points out that one can always use more friends. Indeed, and likewise, they can always use you.
"Perhaps I'll buy a comb on the way home."
At Epic Records, Blahdrina's in her cubicle, which is adorned with only one thing - a poster of Incubus. Huh. So she's all set up to answer a call from several different angles, simply to tell someone she'll "be right in." I smell a promotion! Indeed, she enters her boss' office, and clearly she's an actual employee of Epic because she's a few notches below gorgeous. She's... dare I utter it... real.
And rather stretchy, from the looks of it.
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Comments (12)
I'm pretty sure Holly lived with Lauren and Heidi during the first season. No clue why they never showed it. Also, I actually loled at Heidi's conversation with Kimberly at the end. "...how we don't have a friendship anymore because ... she didn't like my boyfriend and I ... said things out of anger that I didn't mean."
Way to be obviously guilty, Heidi.
1 of 12 | Posted by jerseygirl | Posted on September 16, 2008 10:32 PM
I too am baffled as to how Lauren and Holly (even Lauren and Heidi to a lesser degree) have this long-standing friendship. My understanding is that Heidi and Lauren met at their fashion school in San Francisco. Based on the earlier “Laguna Beach” episodes, Lauren only lasted a couple of months in San Francisco before returning home to Laguna Beach. At some point Heidi moved into Lauren's family's home. Maybe a year later, at best, Lauren moved to Los Angeles with Heidi and thus begun “The Hills” saga. So at what point did Heidi, Lauren and Holly bond and have all of this history together? I am genuinely perplexed.
2 of 12 | Posted by Cable Girl | Posted on September 16, 2008 10:59 PM
No mention of the hairlip that LC was toting everywhere? I thought maybe it was just bad lighting or a weird shadow...but damn, someone sign that girl up for a wax.
3 of 12 | Posted by heygirl | Posted on September 17, 2008 12:57 AM
I definitely think that Holly lived there. I actually rewound the beginning of her lunch with LC. LC said "when did you move back." I caught the "back" part of that which, combined with all of the "3 Muskateers" comments made me believe that Holly lived in LA for a while.
But, if she did live in LA for a while - how come she doesn't know anyone besides Heidi and LC. Oh, that's right, she just doesn't know anyone else on the cast of the show! God forbid they bring in another filler (aka Chiara) just to allow Holly to have conversations with someone!!
4 of 12 | Posted by lawyergal | Posted on September 17, 2008 5:59 AM
Yeah I was trying to figure out if Kimberley was knocked up, trying to see if she had a belly under that table but couldn't see anything conclusive. Wow, the seasons have not been kind to her.
5 of 12 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 17, 2008 7:24 AM
Holy shit, your captions rule. Love this recap, DP Hooker!
6 of 12 | Posted by Monamonzano | Posted on September 17, 2008 10:35 AM
Not that I'm one to defend these chicks, I'd rather just laugh and point...however, have ya seen Kelly Cutrone? She isn't exactly setting the bar high for professional appearence in the workplace.
7 of 12 | Posted by leenie | Posted on September 17, 2008 12:07 PM
During Season 1 of The Hills, Holly was Heidi and LC's third, never-seen roommate. At the time, Holly didn't want to be on TV so they never showed her.
So that's where the friendship started. Since they only shoot The Hills -- what -- 3 days a week(?), the three of them spent lots of off-camera time together...
8 of 12 | Posted by bonita | Posted on September 17, 2008 12:27 PM
Great screencaps O!!
9 of 12 | Posted by 2 Old 4 This | Posted on September 17, 2008 1:08 PM
Best screen caps:
"I... just wanna fly!"
and
"How come the light bulb never goes on over my head?"
Excellent stuff.
10 of 12 | Posted by alex_w | Posted on September 17, 2008 1:57 PM
Looks like I'm going to have to start watching me some Lifefime. I don't get Cinemax.
11 of 12 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on September 18, 2008 11:29 AM
Seriously...MTV has to be leaving major film on the editing room floor because Holly has to be having some conversations with Heidi that go something like this:
Holly: DUDE! What the f*** is up with your boyfriend?! He seriously did not just tell me not to fraternaize with Lauren? I mean, who the hell does he think he is? What the hell is going on here anyway? Does he beat you, Heidi? I'm calling mom and dad cause this isn't right. Next time he talks to me like that I'm kicking him square in the nuts. Is he on drugs? Why is he obsessed with Lauren? Is he just acting? I better be getting paid too.
Oh. By the way, why is your face frozen?
12 of 12 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on September 21, 2008 9:15 PM