Tonight is the puke-inducing episode we've all been waiting for. In the tradition of Luke and Laura, Monica and Chandler, and Trista and Ryan, one of television's most beloved couples finally (finally!) takes that big plunge into the icy abyss known as marriage. At least symbolic marriage.
... And the whole world threw up in unison.
LC's voiceover intro hints at the move as "something that couldn't be undone." Ha! Doesn't she live in L.A.? Where they have such an insane amount of divorces that they've made different laws from the rest of the universe concerning division of assets? Oh, and PS LC - undoing something like that is REAL easy if it's not legally binding (or even recognized by God). Anyway, we jump right into the action, in Cabo San Lucas, where Spencie has whisked his love away to a surprise getaway weekend. They hop out of their SUV and into the hotel, singing chirps of vacay joy. "Oooh! LoooK! at THIISSS! THIS is GORgeouusssss!" And my personal favorite, Spencer's chorus of "This. Is. In. SAY-EEENNN!" I'm really glad they've finally been able to get away from the stresses of unemployment and familial concern.
Heidi wonders aloud why he chose this particular time to kidnap her. He replies that their relationship is always better when it's just the two of them. Indeed, when there are no voices of logic or reason around, I'm sure insanity is a total blast. He claims that everyone else is always trying to tear them apart, a classic abuser line. Note to Heidi: if everyone who knows you is trying to break you up from your boyfriend, there's a reason. Uh-oh, y'all. The pubestache has made its triumphant return.
Luckily for us, he only breaks it out for special occasions.
I wish it and LC's shadowlip would have a duel. That would have made a fantastic episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch." "I have a feeling, my dear," Spencer says in a most dastardly way, "that this will be a VERY memorable vacation." I hate it when he calls people "my dear." One should only say that if he's wearing a proper waistcoat, a pencil mustache (of which Spencer obviously not capable) and the recipient's name is Scarlett. "Buckle up!" Heidi says with a slightly awkward laugh. Hmm, she might not actually know what's going to happen. Is that even allowed?
Isn't it astounding how young she looks when she's not bogged down by three pounds of lip gloss and eyeliner?
Soon we learn the episode is called "Mr. and Mrs. Pratt," which in and of itself forces me to hold back chunks of vomit in my throat. At People's Revolution, Whitney gets a call from the very icy-looking woman from last week and learns she got the job. Shocker! Well, at least Lauren looks surprised.
Blow-Up Doll Emporium's #2 seller
After a lot of polite telephone talk between silent squeals and excited hand motions, Whit hangs up the phone and announces (again) that she got the job. "No you didn't," LC says. Umm, then I guess all that hullabaloo between you just now was a weird game of charades? The girls do a lot of very quiet screaming and LC goes sad upon realizing she's losing her friend. Again. Don't worry, I'm sure she'll finagle a job with DVF first chance she gets, just like she did with PR.
Blow-Up Doll Emporium's #1 seller
"So are you going to take it?!" Lauren has the nerve to say. Umm YAH! "So you'll go have the perfect job, and the perfect boyfriend." It was not even clever the first time you said it, last week. "You'll just go off and have the perfect life," says LC, who evidently is not satisfied by millions of dollars and her own clothing line. I guess life IS hard for those who can't get banged by Australian musicians.
*clicking heels* "There's no place like orgasm. There's no place like orgasm..."
In Cabo, official vacation destination for California brat-based MTV reality shows, Spencer is being served champagne by his blonde bimbette, who is clad in the eensiest of teensie bikinis and high heels. Nothing like a woman who's living for her man. He is really living a life he doesn't deserve, and she has really gotten a dynamite Brazilian.
I think I used to twist my Barbie doll into positions like this.
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Comments (18)
O.Snapp you crack me up. The Heidi/Spencer scenes were indeed vomit inducing. And I busted out laughing at J.Bob's one-liner..."You should put up signs!"
I know we all argue about the time-line/editing of the show and thise episode definitely showcases this. Hasn't Whitney been in NYC for several months? I remember seeing pap shots of her and Lauren's lunch back in Sept(yes, I am a freak) but if the unholy union of Speidi didn't occur until a month ago...hmmm why would Audrina feel the need to voice that they are missing at Whitney's going-away party? Yes, this is a rhetorical question...but still interesting.
1 of 18 | Posted by Yanksfan24 | Posted on December 17, 2008 10:39 AM
This is a really silly thing to notice, but I'm surprised you didn't point it out because it was so obvious. Whitney's weird hair-thingie at her party must have been as uncomfortable as it was odd, because she KEPT PLAYING WITH IT. Seriously, girlfriend wouldn't stop touching it. Yes, this is all I took away from this episode. I repressed the rest.
2 of 18 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on December 17, 2008 10:46 AM
O.Snapp your recaps are hysterical! And I loved the Prince Humperdink reference! Also, nice call Yanksfan, I noticed the same thing with the time/line editing. I went back and rewatched that scene and they don't actually show Audrina saying that about Heidi and Spencer so my thought is that they recorded her saying it later and edited in. Ridiculous I know, but they have been known to do it quite often.
3 of 18 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on December 17, 2008 11:02 AM
as much as I hate to say it Justin Bobby is growing on me. First w/ him not taking Audrinas pity party shit when she was accusing him of doing one of her "best friends"... and now with the snappy sarcastic "you should put up signs" that was great timing and comedic gold... Oh almost charming (even in overalls) JB, where have you been all these seasons?
4 of 18 | Posted by tvkitty | Posted on December 17, 2008 11:12 AM
Good call YanksFan... I remember being puzzled at the timeline as well, thinking that Spiedi has only been in effect for a month or so, but like you said, Whitneys job situation is a lot less fresh. But since the only way I can tolerate watching this show anymore is to be several glasses of wine deep, I considered chalking it up to the wine...
Thanks for reassuring me I am not goin crazy! :)
Heidi looked terrified everytime she looked at the camera (and not one person would blame her).
And I agree, tvkitty - JB has TOTALLY grown on me for those exact reasons, I laughed so hard when he said to put up signs!
5 of 18 | Posted by kara | Posted on December 17, 2008 1:02 PM
Ok, can we all agree now that The Hills is basically as scripted a soap opera as Days of Our Lives?
Check out the article on Huffington Post titled "Fake Staged Wedding on The Hills"
The show's producers hired an actor to play a judge and rented an LA courthouse after hours to film the "wedding" scenes.
6 of 18 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on December 17, 2008 1:08 PM
I mean film the "legal" "wedding" scenes once Speidi got back to LA
7 of 18 | Posted by BlahBlah | Posted on December 17, 2008 1:26 PM
Since this obviously isn't reality anymore, could they just kill off Heidi and Spencer already? The show's kinda falling apart since the writers/producers can't keep a straight timeline, but how is it possible with Twit and Twat giving weekly interviews? I think they should just fire them - the rest of the cast doesn't really give "spoilers" out constantly. One of the only reasons to watch the show was to see when Heidi would grow a brain, but you know she never leaves him, as they are on the cover of US Weekly eating Taco Bell together.
I need to get a hobby.
8 of 18 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on December 17, 2008 2:16 PM
I must say that I am still addicted to the hills even as it gets more and more scripted. Perez Hilton got it right when he called it white girls crack. With that said This was the hardest episode to watch ever. I wanted to gag everytime Speidi was on the screen. It was awful. It felt like he was about to date rape her the way he got her so wasted to get her to agree to whatever he wanted. The only redeeming part was when pigpen told stephanie that she should put up signs.
I also just want to say that if they replace Whitney with Stephanie I may just stop watching thisa show. Everytime she is on screen it is just too obvious she is tring to act it hurts.
9 of 18 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on December 17, 2008 2:53 PM
I read all of the Gasm recaps all the time, but this one was one of the very few that I laughed out loud on several times. The one about the Hobomobile-OMG, I didnt even notice it in the episode! You made my life pointing it out.
As Yanksfan first pointed out, yest the timing is completely fucked.
Can you guys believe we watch this show?!?
10 of 18 | Posted by trister | Posted on December 17, 2008 3:39 PM
I don't know how, maybe psychological preservation, but I missed all the Speidi makeouts the first time around. So, um, thanks for that. Also, I love how they took out the line from Heidi noting how hungover she was the next morning (it was in the previews).
Did anyone else notice how Whitney didn't move a muscle when Lauren hugged her? I almost felt bad for LC.
11 of 18 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on December 17, 2008 5:44 PM
Heidi married her stalker....Everyone should be terrified.....
12 of 18 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on December 17, 2008 9:09 PM
I agree about JB growing on me - that signs line was seriously classic.
13 of 18 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on December 17, 2008 10:39 PM
Great recapp and loved all the screenshots and captions - hilarious!
I had a different reaction to LC's voiceover about "something that couldn't be undone". I thought she meant in terms of the hurt it would cause their family and friends.
I agree with all of you - seeing Spencer and Heidi grope was just incredibly creepy. But seeing Spencer chair dance actually made me physically shudder. There is really nothing at all about this kid that is NOT repulsive.
There IS one redeeming thing about this episode. In 4-5 years when Heidi goes to file for a restraining order - she can use Spencer's proposal as the evidence for why it's necessary. He summed it all up so nicely.
Oh and as for Whitney being all alone in New York. She can comfort herself with visits from LC, LO and the gang when they fly out to NY to do Conan, Leno, Letterman, Regis and Kelly. These kids spend half their time in that City (ok when not tooling around Cabo all drunk and fighting over hair flowers).
14 of 18 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on December 18, 2008 12:09 PM
Great recap! I think this might be your best one yet! Every single photo and caption had me laughing so hard!!!!
15 of 18 | Posted by akgirl7 | Posted on December 18, 2008 12:24 PM
Everything was going smoothly until - and I hesitate to bring it up, but HANS Solo? Pretty sure it's just Han Solo. What, no other Star Wars geeks out there who took exception to the misspelling?
Otherwise great recap, can't wait for the next one!
16 of 18 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on December 19, 2008 10:57 AM
Holy shit! I'm so embarrassed to misspell my dear Solo's name! Sorry fellow geekazoids!
xoSnapp
17 of 18 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on December 19, 2008 11:30 AM
That was a very funny recap. Thank you.
As for Heidi and Spencer they have tainted "The Hills" the last couple of seasons with their fake relationship and fake marriage. I used to look forward to watching "The Hills" before it became Heidi and Spencer's show. But now it's like Lauren is invisible on her own show and that's ridiculous since she's supposeed to be the sat of "The Hills".
18 of 18 | Posted by Skylar | Posted on December 24, 2008 6:08 AM