"Sigh, I wish they would cast me some REAL friends."
Do you remember in seventh grade, when all the girls and all the boys started noticing each other, and people would kiss (or... you know... whatever) while playing "Seven Minutes In Heaven" at a party and by Monday morning everybody knew everything? Like one giant game of Telephone, in this week's double episode of "The Hills," only about two things happened and the rest was everyone telling everybody everything.
Once again, the earth has completed its rotation around the sun and it's time for another L.C. b-day. This time around she's turning the big 2-2 and she's planning a modest shindig at S-Bar. I wonder what "S" will stand for this week. Slut? Slander? Stephanie? All of the above? Lauren and Steph are traversing the campus of Fit'Em as LC explains her plans for the night and asks Steph what she thinks. Decked out in biker chick chic, Steph approves the location and upon the question of what she's doing that night, promptly invites herself with a meek "ohh... nothing..." Naturally, Steph "doesn't want to cause trouble" or whatever but we all know she will anyway. What's a Tuesday night without a little backstabbing? The girls plan to meet up that night and bid each other farewell. They're on an "I'm out!" and hugging basis? Sounds like friendship to me!
"I'll be there with my Marlboros and a pack of PBRs!"
At the newly minted Montag residence, Spencer drops by to pick up a few more of his and Heidi is done up for the occasion in her '70s Trophy Wife best. Her neckline is so low I'm watching every frame for the one where her nips pop out. That'll win him back!
"Just get your lava lamp and get the hell out of here."
She disdainfully commands him to take all of his video games with him, along with some kind of giant monstrosity the likes of which I've never seen. I feel silly admitting it, but what the hell is this contraption? A wooden-paneled washing machine? Recreation of an ancient ship porthole? A newfangled video game console? Anyway, you guys tell me what this is.
Ummm... teleporter?
Either way, Jelly Jim is about to come 'round to pick it up... and God knows we should all trust someone named "Jelly Jim." The last guy I met with a name like that stole my grandmother's antique jewelry and my stereo... but at least he hooked me up with free cable. Spencer asks a sane question for once. The question we've all been up late at night wondering: Are they still dating or what? Though he does put it in the douchebag context of wanting to hook up with other girls, it's a fair inquiry. Heidi commits the classic submissive angry girlfriend move by telling him if he WANTS to go out with other people that's fine, but SHE won't. She says that if he doesn't know whether they're going out then they should be broken up. I'm so confused. I thought they were just on a Ross-'N'-Rachel! You know, split up, sleep with someone else, on again off again for three years and then get married! (Sorry if that spoiled the last season of "Friends" for anyone. You didn't miss much - it wasn't that funny anyway.) Heidi threatens physical violence and Spencer echoes all of our sentiments by drearily claiming he's "skerred." Though, with the roll of his eyes and an emotionless smile, I'm beginning to think that all this drama of theirs is just considered foreplay. Their sex must be like a Greek tragedy.
"Honey, grab my Jocasta costume. I'll get the eye gaugers."
But back to the main event of the night. It's LC's birthday, and as such she's invited Lo to come over and bestow gifts upon her and presumably do each other's hair and makeup, as girlfriends tend to do.
"Gasp! A diamond-encrusted gimp mask! How'd you know?"
I wonder if it was real diamonds, like they gave Jen Bunny for her birthday. Now that's true friendship. They go over the deets of the par-tay and toast Lauren's twenty-second year of surviving on this planet, Lo squeaking, "Tee-hee! You're so old!" What I wanna know is, why is Lauren not wearing a tiara? Exactly what kind of princess does she think she is??
"MTV sponsored my birthday and all I got was this stupid hat."
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Comments (18)
i think its a fish tank
1 of 18 | Posted by cocomomo | Posted on April 9, 2008 11:35 AM
Great recap! Yes, it is definitely a fish tank, although I don't think it's ever actually held any fish.
I loved when Kimberly was telling Heidi about Lauren's party and then Heidi's like "Alright, I need to get back to..." and just trailed off because her job is FAKE and she had nothing to get back to!
Stephanie was so obviously brought onto this show b/c last season the two sets of cast members were so separated, Lauren and her gang, and then completely separate scenes of Speidi, I think MTV had to figure out a way to still have them interact this season to justify Heidi & Spencer still being on the show. So... enter Stephanie.
2 of 18 | Posted by mo knows | Posted on April 9, 2008 12:57 PM
I think Heidi is starting to look more and more like Rocky Dennis in "Mask".
3 of 18 | Posted by RTVfan | Posted on April 9, 2008 1:51 PM
Jelly fish, hence "Jelly Jim".
4 of 18 | Posted by natural redhead | Posted on April 9, 2008 1:54 PM
Its definitely a fish tank. In the beginning of season 2, Spencer bought the fish tank for a party they had. Right around the same time he painted the Hollywood mural on the living room wall and got the full-size arcade games.
5 of 18 | Posted by tvlover88 | Posted on April 9, 2008 2:10 PM
Ah! I knew I could count on you guys for the answer. I guess all I remember from that episode was the hideous "mural."
6 of 18 | Posted by osnapp | Posted on April 9, 2008 3:05 PM
"Brody as David Caruso"
That is seriously the funniest thing I have read in a long time. It made me think of The Soup. Mmmmm, Joel McHale....Why can't he be on The Hills?
7 of 18 | Posted by VegasDarling | Posted on April 9, 2008 4:14 PM
RTVFan, I agree with you completely, Heidi does look like Rocky Dennis from Mask, only not as cute and definitely not as smart.
Don't you think Spencer and his sister Stencer (whoops I mean Stephanie) are completely empty? No brains, no souls, no personalities. They can't even fake a smile. They have nothing in their eyes that resembles an emotion.
Maybe they're really those lifesize dolls that weirdos buy to have "relationships" with? I saw a special on it on BBC, they cost about $10,000 and are anatomically correct if you get my meaning.
At least if they were made of latex, that would explain their personalities.
8 of 18 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on April 9, 2008 4:26 PM
The David Caruso/Brody screencap was hilarious.
Was Heidi wearing shoulder pads at the bar she saw Audrina at?
This recap was funny as hell! Thanks OSnapp!
9 of 18 | Posted by RLR123 | Posted on April 10, 2008 8:09 AM
This recap was better than last week's. Progress!
10 of 18 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 10, 2008 8:15 AM
#2 (Moknows)-- I totally noticed that too about Heidi having nothing to do at work. I was glad you posted that because I would have forgotten it! It's so staged, I can't take it!
#3 and #8... TOTALLY looks like Rocky Dennis. She is literally like a trainwreck, I am mesmerized by watching her face and trying to figure out what the hell she did to it. Blech.
How about I throw this out there, maybe LAUREN is the one who is not to be trusted. She seems awfully fake in her friendship with Stephanie (I know the whole show is staged, but she seems to have her own agenda). STephanie doesn't seem so bad to me, honestly.
11 of 18 | Posted by KermitGirl_22 | Posted on April 10, 2008 2:37 PM
I haven't read this recap but I want to express some opinions about these people in the show.
You're in your twenties. You're supposed to be a grown-up. Start acting like one. People are allowed to hang out with whoever they want. There are no "alliances" past age fourteen. Stop getting mad at so-and-so for going to a birthday party, just because you don't like them. These things are not "betrayals," and if you think they are (Spencer, Heidi, Audrina, Lauren) you are really, really dumb.
Live your own life! Be friends with who you want to, and stop making each other feel bad about it!
-kizik
12 of 18 | Posted by kizik | Posted on April 10, 2008 2:53 PM
I haven't read this recap but I want to express some opinions about these people in the show.
You're in your twenties. You're supposed to be a grown-up. Start acting like one. People are allowed to hang out with whoever they want. There are no "alliances" past age fourteen. Stop getting mad at so-and-so for going to a birthday party, just because you don't like them. These things are not "betrayals," and if you think they are (Spencer, Heidi, Audrina, Lauren) you are really, really dumb.
Live your own life! Be friends with who you want to, and stop making each other feel bad about it!
-kizik
13 of 18 | Posted by kizik | Posted on April 10, 2008 2:55 PM
Initially, I thought maybe Stephanie was ok...sincere even. But after the night her and Heidi went out and she ran to tell LC about Heidi and Audrina being friends...I no longer think she's on team LC. But team Shady.
14 of 18 | Posted by tifne22 | Posted on April 11, 2008 4:39 AM
yeah, i stopped reading when you had never seen the fish/jelly tank before.
it would help to get a recapper who actually has seen the show before.
usually i'm not on the hater bandwagon around here. but seriously now.
15 of 18 | Posted by kevintheomanharris | Posted on April 13, 2008 6:45 AM
kevintheomanharris:
agreed
16 of 18 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on April 13, 2008 11:33 AM
Good God people!! I watch the show every week and I couldn't remember what that stupid thing was either! Geez maybe the recapper has other things going on in his or her life to where they can't remember every specific detail of the hills.
17 of 18 | Posted by tifne22 | Posted on April 14, 2008 12:35 PM
Very, very funny recap, osnapp. Thank you for the good read. I was not expecting the joke about LC's shopping list and almost spit my sip of water at the computer screen. And as for the fish tank dilemma:
tifne22:
agreed.
Details, shmetails. Just keep making me laugh.
18 of 18 | Posted by amyeditor | Posted on April 24, 2008 1:45 PM