"Are you saying you DIDN'T notice my Bling Hail Mary Glow?"
Well, kids, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions this season... we've been all over the world (well, 3 cities), leapt from internship to career (both with frigidly bitchy bosses), seen LC alienate and passively drop a best friend and roommate (sound familiar?), seen the sputtering rise and flaccid plateau of Lady Pratt's villainy (although we can hold higher hopes for next season), and watched Spencer and Heidi navigate the complicated waters of love (if by complicated you mean tepid, boring, and annoyingly repetitive). We've also seen a whole lot of parentheses. We've finally come to the end of our journey. Welcome, ladies and gents (although I'd love to meet any gent who's actually reading a recap of this show) to the second season finale of season 3 of The Hills!
We open at the Little Tokyo Lofts, where Blahdrina and Pigpen are house-hunting, though probably not in the way that Blahdrina has always imagined it would be with Pigpen. My guess is THAT kind of house-hunting would involve rummaging around various boxes behind garbage dumpsters, perhaps a two-story! Although with Pigpen's newly adolescent-mature look, they could perhaps upgrade to crouching under some scaffolding.
He should have been an Oakley model.
Anyway, Blahdrina inspects a suitably beige and sun-filled loft and ponders whether this would be the right place for her. She likes the open space. "It IS an open space," Pigpen confirms. "I like it." Good to know we have his approval. But Blahdrina feels that she would be too far away from everyone else. You know what would solve that? Moving into your best friend's backyard. Oh wait.
Pigpen points out the benefit that living alone, when she comes home only SHE will know where she is. Sure, because then no one will know when you're missing. I'm pretty sure that's listed as a pro only by kidnappers and serial murderers who work day jobs as real estate agents (and those are the worst kind!).
But Blahdrina agrees, and remarks that it WOULD be fun to decorate. With what, eggshell-colored pillows and taupe bedsheets? And anyway, she already has an entire mini-house that she just decorated, where she basically lives alone, only a few steps away from her friend (and a little bitch attracted to shiny things that squeak. And a dog). Why is she trying so hard to be even more alone? Maybe, just maybe, she's trying to live her own life... on her own terms. With her own reality show. Cue music. She's already set to lip-synch the opening song.
"Feel the rain on your... wait, what's the rest?"
Speaking of real estate, after the opening credits we sweep over the Hollywood Hills and over some super-mansions that probably belong to actual working actors, like oh say, Jennifer Aniston. Now there's a girl who knows how to be single. Anyway, at Heidi's lowly apartment, Spencer answers the door to a familiar face.
The Ghost Of Breakup Past
Just kidding, it's only the female, less-pube-faced version of him, sister Steph. She trounces in, accusing him of sleeping at his own girlfriend's house and says he's not acting like himself. Spence maintains his blame-Heidi-at-all-costs philosophy, reporting that he's lost his mind, Heidi has made him lose his mind! Sympathetic for 2.5 seconds, Stephanie asks him whether, if she tells him where Heidi is, he will promise not to do anything crazy. Before she even gets the operative word (CRAZY!) out of her glossy mouth, Spencer whips his head around and lies, "100%." Damn. This is how wacky road trip comedies are born.
So, apparently, I was either confused last week or those clever editors at MTV have purposefully duped us all, because the story that Stephanie spins makes it sound like there is a shred of possibility that Heidi Montag could move out of her beloved tanning bed known as Los Angeles and relocate to Las Vegas. I don't buy it, but Spencer's pretending to.
"But what about all that time we invested posing for US Weekly?"
"We're going to Vegas!" he declares, less gleefully than that punctuation probably denoted. I just like the mental picture of Spencer throwing his hands up and shaking his hips like it's gonna be a sorority vacay. Stephanie looks pretty pissed but doesn't do anything to stop him, instead taking the passenger seat for requisite warning glares. Hey, anything for more air time, am I right? In any case, I hope D.J. Qualls is in the backseat.
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Comments (15)
Gawd, I am so sick of Spencer and Heidi's bullshit. I am incredulous that BB would even consider including Heidi in this big project considering how much she fucked up her last big gig. Then there's the double contrivance of She-Pratt blabbing about what happened to Heidi despite his promises to not do anything crazy and Heidi telling She-Pratt her exact location when she called her from Spencer's car. Yeah, right. And of course, Spencer shows himself to be a total sociopath by "forcing" She-Pratt to accompany him to Vegas and abandoning her in the parking lot. So, in the end, Heidi once again bails on BB to go home with Spencer. Oh, really? Maybe it's just me, but I have this eerie sense of deja vu watching this play out, but I'd care if I didn't know that Heidi's job is as fake as her face.
I have no idea what the deal was with LC and Lo attempting a have supper with Audrina. Did they bother to invite her? Did Lo tell LC she invited Audrina but didn't in order to further sabotage their friendship?
1 of 15 | Posted by ubiquitous | Posted on May 14, 2008 9:34 AM
POST YOUR UNPOPULAR OPINIONS!
We kind of did this at the end of last season. Post your opinions that may be unpopular. Here are mine:
1)LC is basically self-centered and boring.
2) Audrina is the least annoying person on the show.
3)Whitney would be perfect if she didn't TALK LIKE A VALLEY GIRL! goodness.
4) LO was ALWAYS a bitch, nothing new.
5)this show is actually pretty fun to watch!
2 of 15 | Posted by AsIf | Posted on May 14, 2008 10:29 AM
So, does anyone know the scoop on why LC dumped LO for a while?
It has been mentioned before that LC dumped LO over JEN Bunney...then LC dumped Heidi over Spencer...then she dumps Audrina for Lo...FUG LAUREN KEEP A FRIEND!
O. SNAPP:
As of last week Audrina is still living in the poolhouse according to a radio show Spencer did with ryan seacrest.
3 of 15 | Posted by AsIf | Posted on May 14, 2008 10:53 AM
Great recap O.Snapp! I look forward to your recaps for next season.
I remember Lauren saying Jen Bunney was the cause of the problems between Lauren & Lo. She would tell Lauren Lo was saying bad stuff about her and vise versa. Eventually Lauren and Lo got together and figured it out.
I can't believe Heidi even got up from the table to go talk to Spencer. I would have said no go away I will talk to you later when I'm done. But we all know she wanted to have a fake horrible music career instead of working for Bolthouse. LOL!
4 of 15 | Posted by akgirl7 | Posted on May 14, 2008 11:31 AM
"accumpliss" hilarious!
5 of 15 | Posted by User Name | Posted on May 14, 2008 12:20 PM
the whole "fight" between Heidi and Spencer looked more like a scene from a bad soap opera than the hills! Heidi was so over-acting! It's pretty bad when I find Spencer getting more likeable.
Lauren is really starting to get on my nerves...she always pushes her friends away...how can she not see that Lo is a complete b*tch towards Aud? I really liked the way Audrina handled that conversation.
6 of 15 | Posted by yankeesfan | Posted on May 14, 2008 1:36 PM
Hey O. Snapp I've been reading TVgasm for a couple of years now and your recaps are great.
Good season, except for all of the Brody bs.
7 of 15 | Posted by Scorpio23 | Posted on May 14, 2008 1:46 PM
What about Lo's totally insencere "You look upset" comment to Lauren? It didn't have a speck of honesty or real concern in it! I've gotten chills from people who have fake-reacted like that when I've been upset.
8 of 15 | Posted by boris8 | Posted on May 14, 2008 6:02 PM
Could someone fill me in on what the previews were for next season? Everyone's making it sound so exciting!
9 of 15 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on May 14, 2008 7:03 PM
PREVIEWS:
Lauren gets a new boyfriend
Audrina fights with LO
and Stephanie goes completely to Lauren's side and SPEIDI cuts her out.
10 of 15 | Posted by AsIf | Posted on May 14, 2008 8:40 PM
Haha.. uhh... Team Lo, I guess. I hated LC on Laguna Beach and still hate her on The Hills, but I always thought Lo was hilarious and bitchy and at least she was upfront about it.
Audrina is a sweet girl, but she was pretty much shoved into Lauren's life to replace Heidi and that's why last season was SO boring. Because those two were never that close of friends to begin with. They should make Lo a full cast member, seeing as she and LC don't have to fake their friendship.
But really, this show is soooo retarded. You guys realize that NOTHING happened this season? Like... what the hell... we all know Speidi storyline was fake, other than that... ? ? ? Did anything actually happen with the 15 or so episodes?
11 of 15 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on May 15, 2008 10:21 AM
Can anyone tell me when/where it was announced there was going to be another season? I don't know how I completely missed that!
12 of 15 | Posted by rtvfan | Posted on May 15, 2008 3:17 PM
My sister forced me to look at Heidi's myspace page, on which I saw a few comments from girls that literally said, "You are a role model to me."
Pray for our future.
13 of 15 | Posted by ez rider | Posted on May 15, 2008 4:44 PM
call me crazy but did anyone else notice that in the scene between audrina and lauren the word "Lo" seemed dubbed every time? I don't recall us actually seeing the word Lo come out of their mouths. Wait, once audrina said it, but watch again. I think the scene was fake just like all the others. Still fun to watch, but they seem to be forcing and setting up this storyline to be the big one for next season.
14 of 15 | Posted by Hillschic | Posted on May 16, 2008 2:55 PM
i hate to say it, but spencer is the best actor on the hills, he doesnt have the smile behind the eyes like the rest of them do when they are saying their "lines".
15 of 15 | Posted by partysunflower | Posted on May 22, 2008 3:26 PM