Testimonials

Holls enters, done up and glittered out and looking like everybody else in their zip code (conformity success!) and she, LC and Lo trade high-pitched compliments on each other's fashion sense. LC and Holly trade a hilarious(-ly lame) story about an air mattress, and then LC gets down to business, tsk-tsking about Heidi and her heightened nuttiness since Spencer ambled along. Holls pushes the reunion possibility pretty hard, insisting that Heidi misses LC. Luckily, our girl Lauren has an index card full of brush-off clichés, all in a row! "It's water under the bridge, it's done, and things have happened!" True, all true. The three blondettes all just sit around and stare at each other, nodding, until Lo remarks how like Heidi Holly is in her mannerisms. Did anybody else notice the involuntary twitch and grimace that Holly pulled at that?

"Oooh, do go on about Heidi's dysfunction?"

Hey, remember when LC used to work at that corner shop called People's Revolution? And there was that OTHER blonde girl who used to work there? What was her name? Willa? Wanda? Winona? Oh yeah, Whitney. Whit seems to be likewise recruited in LC's hag-mag assignment as she is standing around, flipping through the latest Vogue when LC enters (I'm estimating 15-20 minutes late). They sit at their combo-desk together and Lauren snottily tosses a letter at Whitney. "SOMEONE sent me a letter!" she sneers. Whit reads the letter aloud, which is full of apologies and sentiments of "cherished memories."

"P.S. I've enclosed a Nair sample for your convenience. XOXO."

Truthfully, the letter IS very apologetic and mature, but uses bigger words than I think Heidi knows, so anyone could have written it. Then again, she signs it, "Sincerely, Heidi Montag" and I'm guessing the I's are dotted with hearts, so it's anybody's guess. Whitney theorizes that Heidi must feel incredibly lonely and that she has no girlfriends. Ding ding ding! Congratulations, Whitney! You win the Hills Fuckin' Obvious trivia show! You and a guest will enjoy six days and seven nights in the lap of luxury at the Holiday Inn in beautiful Akron, Ohio!

Weirdly, LC sighs that even after all this time, Heidi "still can't just blame Spencer." WTFuck is she talking about? She's been blaming everyone but herself, INCLUDING Spencer, for like three years! This "my fault" letter is the biggest thing she's done since that line of coke at Les Deux that one time!

"Hooray, I finally found my perfect angle!"

Blahdrina meets Colin and his impeccably wavy hair at some Italian restaurant, and evidently they're getting the Early Bird Special 'cuz it's still light out and there's no one else at the place. Blahdrina breezes in and complains about feeling SOOO tired because she got, like, NO sleep last night but it was great anyway because she was talking to Pigpen. What kind of oddly self-centered jerkface tells the Nice Guy she's on a date with about staying up late with her on-again/off-again fuckbuddy?

Someone with unnervingly bright teeth?

Colin calls her out on it, saying it's a shame because he really "connects" with her. On what level, I wonder? On their shared love for all things buttered? Or perhaps their common belief that there is, in fact, more bounce to the ounce? Anyway, Blahdrina stiffly denies that she and this fellow she's constantly talking about is her boyfriend. She then goes on to say, "But, so.... about Pigpen..." and talks about how weird things are with him. STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM HE IS A DOUCHEFACE. Followed by ten back-and-forth shots of Blahdrina wincing uncomfortably, "sorreeeeee" and Colin gritting his teeth and looking ready to leave.

"But... I keep getting even CUTER. Doesn't that count for anything?"

Meanwhile, Holls enters the LauLoBlahteau... after dark! This must mean their friendship is getting serious. They might have a sleepover! LC asks if she wants something to eat and shoves a pile of recipes Holly's way, but warns, "I'm not a very big cooker."

"...or speaker of the English language thingie."

LC is grumbling about how she MUST find a man who can cook when Holly asks if she's received any special anti-friend mail lately. LC confirms, then the two go back and forth about whether it means anything, the conversation markedly peppered with the sound of crickets (literally! I'm serious! Crickets!) in the background during each silence. LC concedes that the situation IS "super-sad," but ultimately Heidi made her own bed and now she has to fuck Spencer in it.

LC reiterates that she's forgiven Heidi, but has no interest in reuniting with her. "Does she... I dunno how to say this," LC begins. "She has good friends, right?" Holls looks down. "Ummmmmmmmmmmm....."

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Posted in The Hills by O. Snapp at 8:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)
Last Comment: blahblah on Oct 11, 2008 12:31 PM.