"Do I look like I give a shit?"
Monday night, while the world was busy fretting up a storm over the Presidential Election, MTV hatched an evil-genius plan to sedate, confuse and stupefy any and all viewers who happened upon the channel. Distracted by shiny fake tans and retarded storylines crafted by a production intern, the sedated viewer would immediately feel unnaturally calmed, even apathetic, to the problems and possibilities percolating around the world and suddenly want to buy a new handbag. And maybe some Crest Whitestrips. That is, if they made it through the half-hour without nodding off. It was an incredibly effective approach, but goddamn does it make recapping a bitch.
At the LauLoBlahteau, LC's arranging outfits on her bed when Blahdrina pops her head in to make sure the cameras are around before entering with a big, nervous don't-want-to-tell-you-something smile. Before we go any further, may I just note that there is a little something wrong with a girl who decorates her bureau with shoes instead of, say, photos of her friends or tchochkes she got on her Italian vacation.
Ever heard of a shoe rack?
LC boasts that she's choosing an outfit for her big night out at a rock show. She describes said show with the googly eyes of a teenage girl hoping to lose her virginity that night. She and Lo are going to see Tokyo Police Club which, I will admit, is better than Good Charlotte or something. She makes Blahdrina compliment her for being so bold and wild while I wonder whether (wow, that was a lot of w's) the next time she and Lo have a fight LC will use this experience and its inevitable awkward head-bobbing as evidence of her working towards true friendship. Additionally, I wonder in how many ways does this hurt Blahdrina? They're going to a concert. A rock concert. WITHOUT HER.
"What are you gonna do next, go boob shopping without me?"
LC attempts to include Blah by asking for her advice on an outfit, but barely gets through her sentence when Blahdrina's eyes nervously dart to the camera and she interjects by announcing that she has big news. She's found a place to live on her own, so that she will no longer have to be quarantined from the rest of a home where half the people she lives with hate her. I don't think LC's very pleased about this, as her eyes drift downward as they usually do upon receipt of bad news and she disconnects from reality with silence and a blank face.
"CARPET. CARPET. THE CARPET KEEPS THE TEARS AWAY."
Blahdrina's moving out THIS WEEKEND. Damn girl, way to give some warning. Blahdrina says Pigpen hasn't seen it yet but she's sure that he'll be over ALL the time and they'll get to sleep together and have breakfast together and watch "Extra!" together and then one day he'll probably propose! Good luck with that plan, honey. "I mean, it'll be like he lives there! But I'm not... you know... planning on anything," Blahdrina grins. A word from the wise to the young ladies of the MTV demographic: you cannot tame a nomad. And it's even harder to shelter a bum. Sometimes they would just rather kick it in a back alley between boning sessions. LC knows as much, and purses her lips together stiffly and nods placidly while strategizing which way she'll have to pick up the pieces from the upcoming train wreck called "Pigpen and Blahdrina Part IV: The Reckoning."
It's a bright, sunny day in Los Angeles (is there any other kind?) and Heidi & Kimberly mill about outside of a new club they're about to open. Their boss drives up as they chat about how long it's taken them (i.e. Kimmy) to get it done and it totally reminds me of that scene in "Fools Rush In" when Matthew Perry - wait, I mean... not like I've SEEN that movie, heh heh... like 18 times on TBS...
Perfect hangover movie. Anyway, the bossmen come to inspect the place and make sure it's ready for its big opening. I begin to realize why they always show Brent Bolthouse sitting down. He's a cute li'l elf! Something tells me he's got a Napoleon complex. It would explain his put-upon ruthlessness.
Wouldn't he make the greatest Smurf?
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Comments (10)
What is there to say?
Audrina is an idiot...but that could be said for the whole lot.
Pigpen is your typical selfish self-centered loser, honestly. As long as Audrina keeps coming back to him, he has no reason to change. He can do whatever he wants with no ramifications.
You can tell LC is bored with the show and wants out.
Was Heidi ever really employed at Bolthouse? I seriously want to know.
Thanks for the recap, the actual show sucks.
1 of 10 | Posted by Hey Buddy | Posted on November 7, 2008 9:33 AM
"At People's Revolution, LC is donning an odd hairpiece, a black headband/not-quite-a-headband."
When I saw this I just figured LC's been watching too much Gossip Girl and was trying out Blair Waldorf's style.
2 of 10 | Posted by flowie623 | Posted on November 7, 2008 10:42 AM
My thought after Audrina mentioned that JB was working was "he has a job???"
3 of 10 | Posted by blazergirl | Posted on November 7, 2008 10:49 AM
I was actually shocked when Audrina admitted she bought the house hoping JB would move in! I was just shocked. How incredibly deluded can you be?! I really do feel for her.
Did any of you watch the Aftershow? I think she realizes how ridiculous she looks and is trying to back-peddle. She kept saying she bought the house for just herself, but if everyone around her can tell she didn't (and she herself ADMITTED she didn't), it's a little too late now honey...
4 of 10 | Posted by Thatswhatshesaid | Posted on November 7, 2008 11:02 AM
That was exactly what I though, blazergirl. I never would have thought he was employed.
5 of 10 | Posted by LAjane | Posted on November 7, 2008 3:45 PM
I think I remember way back in the day someone here saying Pigpen is a (lol) barber.
6 of 10 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on November 7, 2008 4:33 PM
Audrina is sooo needy! She is pathetic! Her sister looks like she got in a terrible accident in an ink factory. This re-cap is the best part of The Hills. it is sooo funny!! But, I just knew there was going to be something said about at the end when LC was rubbing Lo's butt. Keep up the good work on the re-caps!!!
7 of 10 | Posted by FatGirlsRule | Posted on November 7, 2008 5:16 PM
Here4beer - Yes, I believe you are right. I think Justin is a hairstylist...
Odd, odd combination.
Audrina just makes me mad. The rest are boring.
Recaps are hilarious, but this show is driving me up the wall.
Thank you, that is all.
8 of 10 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on November 7, 2008 5:56 PM
Ya know what I would love to see? With Audrina acting like such an effin loser and pissing me off the way she is: JustinBobby just being brutally honest.
If he came out and told her "Listen fun bags, I think you're a hot chick who gives decent head and I like this pseudo celebrity I get from hanging with you and 'the crew'. It's just that I'm not going to be exclusive with you...EVER. As in in forEVER...EVER. So, I'm gonna keep coming around when the cameras are here and we're gonna have sex when I want to. MmmmK? Great."
Put in that position this dumb constipated-looking girl would just nod and say "But you'll come, right?"
Faced with complete honest douchness the outcome hardly changes for chicks like these. So sad. They think they're fooling people around them. It's almost like drug addicts who want to convince loved ones that they can stop whenever they want.
9 of 10 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on November 8, 2008 10:31 AM
Some questions come to mind...
Ummm, when buying a house, aren't you expected to be in escrow for a 30 day minimum? If so, then why did Audrina wait so long to notify Lauren that she was moving out?
If Heidi really worked for Bolthouse, then why wouldn't we have more paparazzi photos of her during these events? Maybe there are photos of her, but I just don't read the magazines.
10 of 10 | Posted by dani2526 | Posted on November 9, 2008 3:43 PM