So what has Janice Dick gotten her models into this week? Well, I guess any day when Janice is twisting off the head of a kitten is a good day at the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency - so everyone can breathe a sigh of relief. Or of boredom. When Janice's crazy-osity levels are low I find myself bored. As much as I cringe for poor, sweet Nate (Janice's put-upon marble-mouthed teenage son) when his mother is prancing around a water fountain ruining a couture dress because she was overwhelmed by the La Dolce Vita-ness of it all (La Dolce Vita? Or, maybe, The First Wives Club?), I'm much more entertained than when she is being (by Janice standards) well-behaved. Sadly, despite a Mrs. Benet-type stage mom, a national commercial audition and and eye-patched Janice looking like a slightly less gay Capt. Jack Sparrow, I found this installment of Janice faux-reality exploits a little lackluster. Find out why after the jump.
1-800-Dentist is looking for some Janice Dick models for their two national television commercials. Four roles will be cast to stand around and look pretty, while one role will have lines to speak. Acting might be a problem for some of these models, because it's never been made clear that models can actually read. Oh stop! They good to be physical specimens, I get to be bitter about it. Those are the rules.
Enter Fred Joyal, CEO of 1-800-Dentist, and his casting director Kim. The first thing I look at is their teeth, because if the CEO of 1-800-Dentist doesn't have perfect teeth, I don't know who will. Ehh, I'm not impressed. Fred is a marketing genius, because he casts himself in most of his commercials. You know, kind of like the way M. Night Shyamalan casts himself in an integral role in all of his movies. Except, the 1-800-Dentist commercials make sense. And don't suck.
Janice lines all the models up outside and starts picking them to shreds one by one. You're not groomed! You need to wipe the sleep out of your eyes! You need to vomit up your breakfast! Janice is tired - tired of having to be General Janice Dick. In one of the most surreal moments yet in this portrayal of insanity, Janice asks what it says on the door! WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE DOOR! Out of fear that Janice's face could peel off at any minute, the models murmur: "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency! Sir, yes, Sir!" She's a weird twist between Joan Crawford in the "No wire hangers" scene in Mommies Dearest and Simone in Dazed and Confused ("Fry piggish!"). She specifically singles out Tony, for his unclean skin and sends him to the store for DermaBlend, which the formerly obese guy thinks is the newest shake at Baskin Robbins.
Janice doesn't have time to worry about the 1-800-Model nonsense, because she's packing up for a weekend in Vegas for Model Search America. Peter is really into it - When he hears model search, he hears "Peter Hamm Casting Couch Audition 2006". Wink, wink. Janice, clearly having a lucid day, doesn't want to go because she thinks it will be cheesy. What about the words Las Vegas and Model Search America sounds cheesy, Janice? Oh. Wait. All of it.
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Comments (8)
umnata, i love love LOVE your recap. but you need to get yourself a good woman to proof-read these beauties.
that, and to make you breakfast.
1 of 8 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on July 24, 2006 2:24 PM
Nice recap, Umnata! :)
Janice sure knows how to work an eyepatch! And I hope I'm not the only one who had to rewind several times Sorin's butchered reading of that commercial script. He's yummy but damn, it was so funny to see him try to pronounce the words. How cruel of them to even let him try for the speaking part. I hope they find him some job that doesn't need good speech and just requires him to show off that hot ass.
I can't wait for tomorrow's episode. Crazy Janice is back!!
2 of 8 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on July 24, 2006 3:22 PM
lol Love the Family Matters reference!
3 of 8 | Posted by Deena
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Posted on July 24, 2006 9:41 PM
Da Vinci smile? The thing is that I don't remember any teeth showing on the Mona Lisa...
4 of 8 | Posted by BigMax
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Posted on July 25, 2006 6:22 AM
Thanks Umnata for making a dull episode more interesting to read. I think Edhill could help you with the proofreading ;-)
5 of 8 | Posted by msCCRN
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Posted on July 25, 2006 12:20 PM
Alright, alright, i just reread this post - and WOW - it does have an extraordinary amount of typos (even by my standards - I'm fearful that someone is going to come to my house and strip me of my degree in english) - SORRY ALL! I'll try to give it a more thorough readthrough next time. I swear on Janice's plastic forehead.
-umnata
6 of 8 | Posted by umnata
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Posted on July 25, 2006 12:31 PM
As someone who knows a bit about abused children, I have to say that Janice Dickinson's behavior is depressing. She acts like someone who hasn't had therapy after the abuse--and in her anger she makes a fool of herself before the whole universe.
7 of 8 | Posted by Loo
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Posted on July 26, 2006 9:35 AM
edhill says "you're typo's aren't so bad."
i keed.
8 of 8 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on July 26, 2006 12:43 PM