Testimonials

Next, Craig starts to make his way across, and his combination of vertigo and a fear of heights isn't exactly helping him out. He's way off on the chalk, keeps veering really close to the edge, and is overall just a gigantic failure at life. Eventually he gets it, but then takes FOREVER and is not able to haul ass to the chalkboard in time. I hope, when it is revealed that Craig is the Mole, he admits that he has no fear of heights at all, and is in fact an avid fan of high-rise window washing.

The next day, Jon reconvenes the players in an abandoned warehouse or factory or something. (Quick Lassie! Timmy's trapped in the meat grinder!) Jon tells them that there is an exemption in play tonight, which Mark is thrilled about because he's been talking about it nonstop. I hope for Christmas this year Mark just gets a bunch of boxes filled with little cards that say "Exemption". Best Christmas ever.

Here's how this mission, called "Cell Out", works: The players will each be trapped in their own individual cell. They must solve a puzzle, a doublet - change "cell" to "mole" by only changing one letter at a time. The first person to solve it will become the sniper. That person must then shoot paintballs at the other players as they maneuver through an obstacle course and out of the building. For each player that makes it through, $15,000 is added to the pot. But the players will also be carrying cards, one of which is an exemption, and if the sniper shoots that player then the exemption is theirs. Mark starts going all Rain Man again when he hears this, bouncing and rocking and whatnot. Were he to start chanting something about boxer shorts and K-Mart, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.

"Fifteen minutes to Wapner."

So the game begins. Mark solves it almost immediately, which makes him the sniper. Nicole and Craig aren't far behind, but they decide to wait for Paul, who has experience with paintball. Paul, however, has little to no experience with the English language and may very well be illiterate, as it takes him fourteen whole minutes to solve the damn thing.

SOMEone failed out of the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good...

Once Paul is out, they strategize for a moment and jump into the obstacle course. Paul goes first, drawing fire from poor Mark, who is so desperate for an exemption but has never played paintball in his life. Paul, Craig, and Nicole do pretty well, all moving at the same time. Mark eventually shoots and actually succeeds in hitting Paul, but since the paintball doesn't burst, it doesn't count. Daaamn. That sucks. Mark almost loses it, and I think it would have been worth it just to watch him pump a few rounds into a nearby cameraman. Or Jon, even. You know he would stand there and take it, shaking his head patronizingly the entire time.

Mark gets Nicole, and she's out. In the resulting confusion, Paul makes a run for it and successfully gets out the door, adding $15,000 to the pot. Craig, who has all the speed and agility of a drunken hippopotamus, gets shot not soon after. Now it's time to find out who has the exemption. Jon puts on his gigantic bug eyes for the occasion.

"That's a lot of middle fingers."

The exemption was determined by the cell numbers that the players chose, so it is completely random. Nicole goes first, and her card is empty. So now the big question is whether Craig has it. He opens up the card, and it contains...a Clorox commercial! Why must they torture us like this??

After the break, Craig opens his card again to reveal the exemption. While Mark shits himself in euphoria...

"I have to change my pants!"

Paul throws a little hissy fit. He complains that they got this far by using their wits (HA) and to get an exemption at the last minute is like getting a free pass. Yes, Paul, one that Mark earned by using his wits and spelling skills, which have eluded you ever since the first grade. So silence, mortal.

Over dinner, Paul and Nicole sort of forge a truce, recognizing that they both played a very similar game and that's why they're both still in it. Craig sums it up nicely by pointing out that there is a good side and an evil side, and blah blah let's just get to the quiz. Sadly, no fashion questions this time. Looks like Tim Gunn took the week off, probably to keep practicing at how to say "Holla at your boys!"

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Posted in The Mole by Screampiller at 8:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Last Comment: mullymoon on Aug 5, 2008 02:35 PM.