Ryan, Taylor & The Smarmy French Dude

So in case last week's lackluster episode made anyone question their undying affection for Taylor Townsend, she bitchslaps us with our flip-floppishness, by continuing to stalk Ryan even as they are a full-fledged couple. Yes, she actually utters the line: "Sometimes I take pictures of you when you're not looking," as she gives him the scrapbook early Valentine's Day gift she made him. As Taylor leaves El Pavo Guapo, pleased with herself for being completely unable to scare Ryan away no matter how many dolls she makes from his discarded pubic hair, she notices a book in the window of the nearby bookshop: A Season for Peaches, written by Henri-Michel, Taylor's ex-husband. It gets better. Not only has Henri-Michel written a book about Taylor (he did always love her, ahem, peaches, after all), it's a partially fictionalized dirty sex romp. And I mean dirty. Like Britney's vagina dirty. Next thing you know this book is all around town, and Taylor has to defend the female protagonist's "healthy sex drive" to everyone from Summer to presumably the local clergymen. After discovering the book, Taylor does the sensible thing and tells Ryan, but pleads him not to read it. It's nice to see someone on a teen soap come clean about something. It would've been super annoying to follow this plot device around for the whole episode. Ryan informs Taylor that he has never been a huge fan of Fabio novels in the first place, and can't imagine he will be now, even if his spank bank is massively depleting.

The book has slowly but surely snuck into every facet of her life, as Ryan is hearing about it from random El Pavo Guapo patrons and even Sandy himself, who claims Kirsten is reading the book. Yeah, and I'm "holding" my sister's Justin Timberlake CD. The lady at Best Buy didn't believe me, and we don't believe you Sandy. Moreover, all anyone can keep talking about is how dirty the book is. Sharon Stone's thighs would even be embarrassed. Before things get past the point of no return, Ryan blurts out to Sandy that Taylor is peaches, and the vagina he's been reading all about/salivating over actually belongs to her. Awkward.

After work, Ryan can't help but pop in to the bookstore to get a look at this great new porn everyone is talking about. Of course, Henri-Michel is there, all the way from France, for a book signing. Points to Ryan for not punching him. My, how he's grown.

Ryan has cracked and read the entirety of "A Season for Peaches". Although the pages now completely stick together he's having trouble taking Taylor seriously without a pinecone sticking out of her anus. Look, they said things were kinky. This leads Taylor to visit her ex and berate him for writing her into his Jenna Jameson literature fantasy. Henri-Michel is truly sorry about all this, and suggests that Ryan, Taylor and he go out to dinner to discuss things. Besides, he needs fodder for a sequel, and nothing spells success like a threesome.