I guess I will have to content myself with happy memories of Paris and Nicole being terrorized by non-lethal insects. During the second part of tonight’s finale, when a moth fluttered into their pickup, the girls screamed like they had been besieged by a family of psychos. It was sort of like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets a bug zapper. Now if that moth actually had some sort of mini moth chainsaw, that would have been awesome. I don’t think those are on the market yet though.

Honestly, I could have watched a full episode of Paris and Nicole running from bugs. The pure fear on their faces is priceless and infinitely more entertaining than staged skits like the one that capped off this one hour finale. As the girls finally returned to their plush LA digs and woodenly recited their catchphrases (“loves it” yammered Nicole who seems desperate to enter something, anything into the pop culture lexicon), a fake shipping service ushered in Billy, a cow they had saved on a working ranch. Thankfully, the bovine creature represented the animal kingdom well by jabbing the bikini’d Paris with its horns.

Animals sort of had it rough on this show. Paris and Nicole’s dogs learned the meaning of gravity the hard way when Paris gunned it over the backroads of Texas. Tinkerbell and Honey were literally sent flying across the airstream trailer, and if “There’s Something About Mary” taught us anything, it’s that little dogs getting tossed around is always funny. Later, it was cows who bore the brunt of the Paris and Nicole dude ranch experience. Paris, the occasional animal activist, objected to branding cows; so she suggested a less painful substitution: lipstick. The two girls marked the ranch symbol onto the bovine population with bright red colors that surely made the cows the trampy delight of the slaughterhouse. By the way, did anyone else find it odd that after putting up a whole big fight to save Billy the cow, Paris and Nicole sent the rest of the cows off to their deaths with nothing more than a casual “Bye guys”? Thousands of hairy PETA folk are slapping their foreheads as we speak.

Paris and Nicole managed to ruffle feathers in the human world too. At the Click ranch, the girls tried to help their host, Bob, reintroduce some romance into his marriage. Yeah, okay, um, Bob, just so you know – and I’m just saying – Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton might not be the best people to rely on in this situation. I won’t say anything else except that green night vision is not romantic.