As I sat down Sunday to watch the Sopranos I had to wonder what would be on store for me. Will we go back to the gay Vito storyline or perhaps get a chance to see even more aging starts getting physically assaulted? I personally had my fingers crossed for a little of both. A veritable double whammy of Vito on his hands and knees after “getting an offer he couldn’t refuse” and Mickey Rooney getting punched in the nuts. Or maybe Richard Widmark getting the wedgie of a lifetime. He's still alive right?
Well there were no golden age film stars in sight (unless you consider the first season of ER part of the golden years), but there is lots of sex of the hetero and homosexual kind. Unfortunately it mostly involved middle aged fat guys. The episode was like one part Godfather; one part Last Tango in Paris and one part King Ralph.
The show starts off with the delightful image of a water buffalo mating ritual. Oh wait, its just Tony Soprano banging his wife like a jackhammer. And on a Sunday night no less. Fantastic. After Tony finishes his gentle lovemaking, they here A.J.’s drums coming from his room. When Tony goes out to investigate he sees a bunch of hip hop kids walk by. A.J. is selling his drums for money and they were one of his potential customers. When Tony tries to confront A.J. on this he goes into his “My Super Sweet Sixteen” impression. Waah, I work at Blockbuster. Waah, my dad won’t give me thousands of dollars. Jesus, you’d think his 800 dollar Roman column birthday cake was ruined.
In the gay friendly hamlet that Vito is hiding out at we see him relaxing in bed one evening at the local B&B. He hears a noise outside and goes to investigate. It seems there’s a commotion in the quaint New Hampshire town. Oh they got trouble. Right here in River City. With a capitol T which rhymes with P which stands for…. Well, you get the picture. When Vito goes outside to check it out he sees that there’s a house on fire. And even the fires have a quaint new England charm. Such a nice orange glow. Actually I would call it Burnt Sienna, with just a hint of ochre red. As he joins the crowd of onlookers, the ruggedly sexual handlebared mustached Jim, the owner of the local diner, comes up on his Harley in full firefighter gear. When Vito gets a load of that he has a mangasm that makes him quiver in his jumpsuit. Let that image swirl around in you head for a while.
The next day aboard Tony’s boat the Stugots II, Tony and A.J. are relaxing over a few beers. A.J. wants to know what “they” are going to do about Uncle Junior. Not sure what “they” means. Sure Tony could have him killed, tortured or whatever. The only thing A.J. could do is rack up hundreds of dollars in late fees in his name at Blockbuster. Tony simply tells A.J. that as far as he is concerned Junior is a walking corpse and he isn’t going to do anything about it. He also says it's not A.J.'s concern and he should just drop it.
Back on dry land Patsy and Burt, soldiers in Tony’s crew, are shaking down the neighborhood businesses for their payoffs. They stop off at the fancy new Starbucks like coffee place in the neighborhood. They inform the manager that they are with the local “merchants society” and are their to offer protection to make sure nothing bad happens, god forbid. When the manager catches on as to what they mean he tells them in plain English that in the big corporate chain world, every penny is counted to the last cent and even if they do rough him up, they will just send in another manager tomorrow. As a former Subway “sandwich artist” I can attest to this. God forbid you try and sneak in a little 6 inch overstuffed meatball sub home after a long Saturday night. But I digress. A dejected Patsy and Burt walk out lamenting that its “over for the little guy”.
Later we see Tony and the boys sitting outside Satriale’s as he is greeted by a real estate agent named Julianna, played by ER’s Julianna Marguiles. Quitting a top rated show for a 3 episode stint on Sopranos 6 years later. Not exactly the soundest career move. Let’s hope things turn around for her soon when she stars in the soon to be top grossing film of 2006, Snakes on a Plane with Samuel L. Jackson. That’s right. Snakes on a mother f*ckin plane.
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Comments (20)
EdHill, WTF happened to your spell checker? Oh, right, you were at the hospital waiting for your niece to arrive. All's forgiven...Good recap, all things considered.
1 of 20 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on May 4, 2006 4:53 PM
Felicitazione Uncle EdHill.
I was hoping to see Tony's 24/7 baguette.
hb
2 of 20 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 4, 2006 5:03 PM
Heh, heh. You said "cooter."
My prediction: Vito is near death, splayed out like an Orca in that cheap motel room. Never made it out of there, but took a gun to himself and did a sloppy job. All his sequences are him thinking of the perfect life as he approaches death. Gay Heaven if you will. Burly firefighters! Motorcycles! Antiquing! Talk of covered bridge tours! And a bike ride that ends up in a picturesque field, like some Fire Island version of Purple Rain...except Vito is Apolonia and Jim is Prince. Um, never mind.
Anywho, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it.
3 of 20 | Posted by whawha
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Posted on May 4, 2006 5:20 PM
I thought the scene with Julianna Marguiles in the ‘Bing was hot, and I fantasized about her and the stripper (what a shitty dancer!) getting it on together…so I don’t think I’m a homophobe. But that wiener picnic with Vito and Johnny Cakes repulsed me. Am I a hypocrite? I’m suffering from cognitive dissonance.
4 of 20 | Posted by conrad5
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Posted on May 4, 2006 6:02 PM
was it just me, or did julianna margulies look like she had a really terrible eye job done? her eyes looked very unnatural...way too tight.
5 of 20 | Posted by cml414
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Posted on May 4, 2006 7:10 PM
That lady orderly tackled the shit out of AJ. She freakin' him nailed him to the door.
AJ is unsure of the difference btw myth and reality of mob life. Tony has amazing connections to beat attempted murder like that. Especially with all those witnesses.
6 of 20 | Posted by Lady J
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Posted on May 4, 2006 9:24 PM
Great recap Uncle Ed!
Were the writers so busy they couldn't even come up with a name for Juliana Marguiles's character other than "Juliana"?? Pet peeve of mine. Good to see her again. Her post-E.R. career hasn't exactly been Clooneyesque. Even Maria Bello has been kicking her ass.
7 of 20 | Posted by JasonR
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Posted on May 4, 2006 9:45 PM
Congrats EdHill on the new niece, although I don't know if I'm very excited for RW 32...
Whawha, I think you're right on about what's going to happen to Vito. And Conrad5, as a gay man, I can tell you that I too am pretty bored of this storyline, and the picnic was kind of lame. So don't worry, that doesn't make you a homophobe.
I'm hoping this whole Vito storyline eventually leads to the final rift between Phil and Tony (started by Tony B. last season), and an all-out mob war is coming down the pike!
8 of 20 | Posted by TheEmancipationofGigi
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Posted on May 5, 2006 5:25 AM
Whawha...I loved the Purple Rain reference. Absolutely perfect.
9 of 20 | Posted by BigMax
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Posted on May 5, 2006 6:15 AM
Thanks for the affirmation, Gigi. I’ll cancel my appointment with Dr. Milfy straight away. It does seem to me though, that some of the gay references this season are so excessive, that they border on constituting offensive stereotypes.
10 of 20 | Posted by conrad5
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Posted on May 5, 2006 7:22 AM
BigMax:
Wait til next week, when Vito dances on the hood of a taxi to the strains of "Fame!"
11 of 20 | Posted by whawha
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Posted on May 5, 2006 7:24 AM
(#11) Directed by Cecil B. Moltisanti.
hb
12 of 20 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 5, 2006 7:44 AM
hb:
Oh, dat's beyootiful!
13 of 20 | Posted by whawha
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Posted on May 5, 2006 7:49 AM
I had a disturbingly erotic dream after this episode, in which my boyfriend morphed in and out of Tony. Hey, big guys get me hot, what can I say?
So, they want to name a mountain in Vermont "Brokeback Mountain", huh? Maybe they should change that to New Hampshire in honor of Vito....ewwww!
14 of 20 | Posted by cruella_deville
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Posted on May 5, 2006 7:56 AM
I hate, hate, hate AJ, but Robert Iler was really good in this episode.
15 of 20 | Posted by ClariceStarling
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Posted on May 5, 2006 8:21 AM
whawha, hb...I wish Sopranos was like Snakes on a Plane so they could reshoot next week's episode to add your vision!
16 of 20 | Posted by BigMax
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Posted on May 5, 2006 10:18 AM
The scene of Tony and Julianna made me so sick. I cannot think of any reason why any woman would find him even slightly sexy.
Congrats Ed!
17 of 20 | Posted by dahrache
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Posted on May 5, 2006 11:19 AM
Cruella (#14) I am the same way. I've always had a thing for big guys. And bald heads. Not when they're baldING (like tony), but when they know its a losing battle and just shave it all off. GRRRRR.
On another personal note, I appreciated the upstate NY Binghamton shoutout this episode. Home of the only Cracker Barrel around this mofo. I have been known to take the 3 hour drive there just for the chicken tortilla soup. yum.
18 of 20 | Posted by plexitoes
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Posted on May 6, 2006 7:03 AM
It's funny that you comment on the ridiculousness of Julianna going after a balding overweight middle-aged Tony. I think that's much more likely than the hunky, sexy Jim going after the sad, obese, waddling, Vito.
He's got to be pretty hard up to want to go fishing in Vito's rolls for some treat.
19 of 20 | Posted by johnnyv
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Posted on May 6, 2006 5:43 PM
Anyone else notice that the redhead in the club asking AJ for a favor from his dad is the "young professional" from those cell phone commercials?
'Do we have a fire extinguisher?'
20 of 20 | Posted by kperkin2
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Posted on May 8, 2006 11:35 AM