Yes, yes, I know. This recap is late. Well I can just rattle of the usual excuses, (real life, new job, writers block, it takes three full days to spellcheck my work, etc.) but wouldn't you rather just get to the recap?
Well last week's Sopranos focused a lot on my favorite character. Good old Paulie Walnuts. What's not to love about this guy? That hair, that face, that lisp, that weird tan, that feeling that if you look at him funny he will beat you over the head with a pipe. He's had a strong showing so far this season, what with his famous MY BALLS! moment, and the fact that he disowned his mother when he found out that she was his aunt and his real mother was a nun. This week Paulie gets a featured role along with junkie Christopher, whose low hairline gets creepier by the week. He's like an inch away from having no forehead at all.
The episode starts with Christopher's girlfriend Kelli (with an "I," natch) telling him that she is carrying a little gangster in her tummy. She's in a panic when she tells him. "I'm sorry I told you to take off the rubber," she says, sending a bone curdling jolt through every single guy watching the episode as one of the worst things you can hear after "I like you as a friend" and "You better get yourself tested." Christopher isn't mad however. He's happy. So happy that he asks her to get married right then and there. Go down to Atlantic City and make a day of it, he tells her. Perhaps they can get married at the fabulous Trump Taj Mahal, where getting a quickie marriage is a 30 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
Over on the other side of this northern Jersey town they call home, Paulie and Patsy (not the best name for a gangster if you ask me. It's like naming a chef Salmonella) are meeting with the priest about the upcoming Feast of St. Elzear. The usual priest, however, is out sick and they have to deal with Father Jose, who shakes them down for a 50 grand "contribution" as opposed to the usual 10 grand. Paulie, being Paulie, refuses, forcing Father Jose to not allow them to use the golden hat, the traditional headpiece for the statue of St. Elzear. Because if Jesus taught us anything, it's to wear more gold hats. I think he might have said some stuff about poor people but mostly it was about gold hats.
At the Bada Bing, Chris is there to share his joy in the holy sacrament of marriage next to some coked out strippers. Tony and the gang are all happy for him and even order some nice Cristal. "Just water for me. My son'll be my strength," he tells them. See, when the temptations of whether or not to do heroin or kill a snitch come over him, he will look to his son to show him the way. Just like sg-dub and baby-dub. Tony then tells him he has some business in Pennsylvania and he needs him along for backup.
That night after Tony and Christopher finish up their business in Penn, they get lost on the way home. "Are we point .7 miles past route 62 yet?" Christopher says as he's looking at his printed out directions. They decide to take a quick piss stop (get it?) next to a restaurant. While Tony is relieving himself he notices some commotion in the back of the restaurant. Some bikers are lifting crates of wine out the back. This gives Tony an idea. They decide to go a little old school and drive up when the bikers are inside and steal some of the wine for themselves. When the bikers come out and see them, Christopher pulls a gun on them and tells them to drop to the ground. "You're messing with the Vipers, man!" one of them tells him. This made me laugh out loud, or "LOL" as the kids say these days. After a brief gun battle ensues in which Christopher drops one of them, they stop off at a local restaurant to revel in their glory.
While eating dinner Tony is savoring the wine they just stole while Christopher is eyeing it like a baby eyes his momma's teat. "I miss it sometimes," he says, with ironic understatement. Then we get the typical alcoholic's reasoning "I just need to set limits for myself." Tony pours him a nice glass of wine. "You know some on the other side consider wine food," he says. "The other side?" You mean Yoda and Obi-Wan consider wine food? I did not know that.
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Comments (26)
EdHill, did you start using spellcheck? This is as shocking as you having a Myspace page.
1 of 26 | Posted by Lizardqueen
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Posted on May 15, 2006 7:03 PM
The flashback of Christopher telling T about Adriana was wicked good.
Janice is such a skanky bitch. She never seems to STFU.
Paulie is like the Felix Unger of the Soprano's with his hypochondria episodes.
buona serata
hb
2 of 26 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 15, 2006 7:40 PM
Nah, EdHill, you won't go to hell for spelling mistakes ... maybe for the comment about the Virgin Mary ... but definitely not for spelling mistakes.
Excellent recap!!! I'm still laughing out loud, or 'LOL as the kids say these days.'
Myspace?? You have a Myspace??
3 of 26 | Posted by deltoro
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Posted on May 15, 2006 9:15 PM
"At the Bada Bing, Chris is there to share his joy in the holy sacrament of marriage next to some coked out strippers." Edhill, you are my hero! Paulie Walnuts is my husband and my favorite too! "Fuhgeddaboutit." I have a feeling that Paulie will end up getting whacked sometime during the final season. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Absolutely. Great. Recap!
4 of 26 | Posted by norma rae
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Posted on May 16, 2006 3:59 AM
What’s with Carmella lately? Earlier this season, she gets this wild hair up her ass to (with no experience) enter into the real estate development business, and construct a spec home. Later, she expressed no dismay or curiosity at Adrianna’s sudden and insufficiently explained disappearance. Even in this past episode, she seemed all too wiling to except Tony’s contrived explanation of the whole situation. The writers should change her name to “Carmello”, because she appears to have the mental acuity of Carmelo Anthony.
I’m a big fan of this show, and have seen every episode, but that relationship between Christopher and Kelli seemed to hit us out of left field. I don’t even recall seeing her much in prior episodes…and I would definitely remember a PoA that cute! She looks sort of like Tony’s old Russian girlfriend, only without the annoying accent. Who knew that she was anything more than just a convenient booty call for Christopher? The writers spent much more time developing the relation between Vito and Johnny Cakes.
5 of 26 | Posted by conrad5
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Posted on May 16, 2006 5:38 AM
I know, "Accept"...goddamned spell check!
6 of 26 | Posted by conrad5
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Posted on May 16, 2006 5:58 AM
Great re-cap Edhill - I was LMFAO (like the kids say!).
Anyone else notice how much thinner Tony looked in the Adriana flashback scene? That man ate a few too many hoagies (or whatever the mob eats in jersey) while on hiatis.
I keep wondering how they are going to wrap up this show. HBO has amazing original programming but they cant end a series for shit (think Six Feet Under or Sex and the City). Any thoughts on this??
7 of 26 | Posted by jelliepair
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Posted on May 16, 2006 6:29 AM
conrad5, remember 2 years have passed since last season. A lot happened in the meantine (bacala married janice and had a kid).
8 of 26 | Posted by EdHill
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Posted on May 16, 2006 6:42 AM
conrad5 (#5) -
"What’s with Carmella lately?"
I agree! In the last episode (the one EdHill hasn't done yet - gentle nudge) when T gave her the lame story about the Inspector and how he was just giving up, she didn't put up much of a fuss. I guess in those 2 years we didn't get to see she had a brain-ectomy.
hb
9 of 26 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 16, 2006 7:46 AM
hb-didn't know you are a sopranos fan..
10 of 26 | Posted by dredge
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Posted on May 16, 2006 8:25 AM
d - I never wanted you to find out that I have a girl crush on Melfi. ;-)
hb
11 of 26 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 16, 2006 9:00 AM
Janice is the most annoying character on tv ever!!! I hate her so much I even hate the actress for playing her so well. I can't stand it.
12 of 26 | Posted by jfn
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Posted on May 16, 2006 9:03 AM
OK.... getting a little tired of the "jersey is dirty and tacky and gross" stuff...it's seriously been done to death. Surely you can find like, 100 trillion funnier things to recap on. Yes, the house is tacky... and identical to a million other tacky houses in every suburb of the US.
OK, I'm over it. Anyway, totally funny recap otherwise. I particularly liked when you called Christopher's future child a pansy-ass. And I didn't really understand the whole gold hat situation... Can someone explain this tradition? Cause it sounds like a serious fashion faux-pas to me...
13 of 26 | Posted by tivo_diva
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Posted on May 16, 2006 9:53 AM
To Anyone:
Wait a second? U mean that they didn't chop Adriana into pet food? Do the police have a body? Can u tell I'm not a frequent viewer of the show? :o)
EdHill:
"...He could even get his own preteen boy, call him his "ward," dress him up in yellow tights and slide down his pole into his batcave every night." --
Dude, you've GOTTA know how this sentence can be horribly mis-construed!
14 of 26 | Posted by G-Money
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Posted on May 16, 2006 11:00 AM
EdHill-
I know you are a busy guy, but could you please, please, please hurry with Sundays re-cap? I have so many questions!!
I can't believe there are only two episodes left. I feel gypped, like we didn't get a whole seasons worth this year. How in the hell are they gonna wrap this thing up?
15 of 26 | Posted by derder
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Posted on May 16, 2006 11:48 AM
Agreed derder, this season has been a bit lackluster in my opinion. My guess is that Phil is going to find out Vito's back and Tony is giving him refuge. As the full-fledged boss now, Phil will come close to declaring war, but something will happen at the last minute (as it always does), and there won't be a war. Tony will probably finish off Vito.
And not in that way you pervs.
Anyway, I really hope this show gets its groove back in the final sprint and gives us something a little bit more riveting than broken kiddie rides.
16 of 26 | Posted by TheEmancipationofGigi
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Posted on May 16, 2006 12:11 PM
hb-i actually had to look up who Melfi is..that's how much i don't watch this show.
Lorraine Bracco is all woman. She's hot.
17 of 26 | Posted by dredge
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Posted on May 16, 2006 12:37 PM
Great recap. When I read "Perhaps they can get married at the fabulous Trump Taj Mahal, where getting a quickie marriage is a 30 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!" I said out loud "It's YOOOGE!"
18 of 26 | Posted by geewits
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Posted on May 16, 2006 12:48 PM
G-money (#14)
"Wait a second? U mean that they didn't chop Adriana into pet food? Do the police have a body?"
I am not sure how they disposed of A but NO the Feds have no body just a suspicion. They have been talking to A's mom and insinuating that Christopher or another o.g. whacked her.
d-(#17) You know you are still #1 ~~
hb
19 of 26 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on May 16, 2006 3:04 PM
"Elsewhere at the fair, Tony's good for nothing sister Janice, who is probably one of the most unattractive women I've ever seen (and I watch every season of Surreal Life)..." Okay EdHill, I want to know- is Alexis Arquette better looking than Janice? I know she's not a woman but just wondering.
20 of 26 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on May 16, 2006 3:25 PM
My mom used to make me watch Lawrence Welk with her, I now have something in common with Paulie Walnut
Only 2 episodes left? What? That is very disturbing news. I was just defending this show, saying soething was going to happen soon,but I could have done without this whole season so far. It pains me to type this, but I could have done without the return if this is all we are going to get.
21 of 26 | Posted by hardly@work
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Posted on May 16, 2006 5:08 PM
They're doing two mini-seasons this year. About six months from now they'll do the final eight or so episodes.
22 of 26 | Posted by Kat
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Posted on May 16, 2006 7:36 PM
The way Paulie said, "biopsy" had me laughing.
Well, Edhill, I say pop. My husband says soda and it cracks me up everytime. We are from the same state so I don't know where he gets it. Obviously, y'all are all wrong and the correct word is POP.
23 of 26 | Posted by dahrache
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Posted on May 17, 2006 10:59 AM
First things first, this show is nothing but an empty shell of itself, it's gotten so boring. And will Carmela quit yapping about her "spec house". Yeesh.
The saving grace of this season came with Vito's utterance to his fistafireman: "I love you Johnny cakes". How awesome was that, why is no one else talking about it?
24 of 26 | Posted by arnold_drummon
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Posted on May 17, 2006 11:08 AM
Does it bother anyone else how heavy Tony breathes? For the first half of the season, I thought it was symbolic of him being shot and that they were going to do something with it -but they haven't. And it's annoying. You'd think they would have edited that out.
I think it was a huge mistake to break the final season into 2 mini seasons - especially with all the filler and lame storylines that never go anywhere.
25 of 26 | Posted by hilcat
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Posted on May 17, 2006 2:02 PM
g-money(#14) and honeybunny(#19) - i think i remember christopher (or somebody) dropping off adriana's body in a suitcase at the airport--does anybody else remember this??
hilcat (#19) - i agree about tony's breathing. it's very distracting and disgusting sounding.
26 of 26 | Posted by humminbird
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Posted on May 19, 2006 10:26 AM