The show began innocently enough with its downright creepy opening circus montage and early morning scenes of the houseguests. Instead of the normal 7 C-listers, there were 9. Apparently Janice Dickinson (The World's First Supermodel™) made the show's producers agree to allow her hair and makeup guys (Duke and Gabriel) prepare her for each day's shooting. I guess because she's Janice Dickinson (World's First Supermodel™), she can do these things. Oddly, she wasn't the least bit embarrassed by this extravagance but rather, seemed to revel in it. I'm just surprised that Duke and Gabriel signed the consent form, seeing as though their 2 hours of work made the old hag (and World's First Supermodel™) appear only slightly less old and haggish.
Once she was dolled up, the show could proceed with the day's first planned event - a Jose Canseco book signing. As everyone is undoubtedly aware, Jose recently wrote a book called "Juiced" in which he essentially said everyone in baseball is on steroids, including such media darlings as Mark McGwire. Initially, it appeared the entire crowd consisted of little kids, so there'd be no fireworks. Jose did joke (though he was probably somewhat serious) about security and that some people may want to shoot him. "Or maybe McGwire will send someone." Wow, the steroid charges were dicey enough, now he's saying McGwire is capable of hiring a hitman? Quick, someone call a congressional hearing! Once the little kids got their books, some older fanboys made their way to the table - and some of them were not happy. Jose Canseco is a big dude - a REALLY big dude. Some of these little twits, secure in the knowledge that they were on camera, tested the wife-beating convicted felon with things like, "Please sign the book 'To Matt, sorry I killed baseball.'" Five years ago in a coke-fueled 'roid rage, I think "To Matt, sorry I killed you," would have been more apt. Canseco is a prick, sure, but you just know that Matt is too.
The rules of the mystery game stated that one cast member would have to be the captain of the opposing team, so Janice magnanimously volunteered to do it. Once at the bowling alley, however, Janice suddenly changed her mind for no reason, forcing a different housemate to step up. It turned out to be Omarosa, which rubbed Janice the wrong way for some reason. She blurted out, "Omarosa, the whore," for all to hear. Just as these two women were about to come to blows, the coach for the other team announced their arrival. "Here they are! The Sunshine Strikers!" A quick shot of Janice saying "Oh. My. God." and it was time for a commercial.
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Comments (26)
Not as funny as the rosie o'retard movie recap but a close second.
1 of 26 | Posted by thor333 | Posted on July 18, 2005 10:04 PM
"... each of them stumbled through it with the agility and aplomb of a drunken Kool Aid man bursting through the wall." OH YEAH!!!!!
God bless them...and God bless you for making me laugh. This had to be the worst idea in tv history-I am just glad it showed who the real losers are.
Balki and Janice just need to leave the planet. Not because we'd be better for it, but because "their parents can hear..."
2 of 26 | Posted by Helenann | Posted on July 19, 2005 12:20 AM
I consider myself a sophisitacted vetran of tvgasm. I've managed, over the course of more than a year, to train myself to read many a hilarious sentence with composure at work behind my flat screen monitor. But that drunken kool-aid man comment nearly sent a stream of powerade across my desk, and I felt like a tvgasm child again....thank you for keping me young.
3 of 26 | Posted by leah3t | Posted on July 19, 2005 6:30 AM
DAMN DAMN DAMN ......My cable station dropped Vh1 3 weeks ago (when was the last time it actually played a music video anyway?)OMG I'm even more pissed now.The recaps are killing me.I just know I'm gonna miss getting to see Janice kill Omarosa.DAMN DAMN DAMN
4 of 26 | Posted by Brian | Posted on July 19, 2005 6:41 AM
p.s. I gotta remember to stock up on depends if I'm gonna keep reading these recaps.
5 of 26 | Posted by Brian | Posted on July 19, 2005 6:42 AM
Oh. My. God. F-cking hilarious!
Omarosa needs a good beating. Preferably by Jose but Janice will do.
6 of 26 | Posted by shelley | Posted on July 19, 2005 7:24 AM
Man, when they showed that the really ugly retarded girls name was Chastity, I had to pause the TIVO to catch my breath.
I Never thought they could upstage Janice Dickensons rampant alcohol and drug abuse on this show. But I didnt plan on retarded bowlers. YOu win this round VH1.
And Pepa doesn't "Holler". she "holla's".
Its so sad to see Janice Dickenson act as if shes still attractive. Entertaining, but sad. When she was going on about how she will seduce Jose Canseco, I just rolled my eyes. THat guy can have his pick of a lot of hotties, why would he go for some coked out botox filled 60 year old hag whose face is melting off?
And youre little "final thoughts" (A la Jerry Sprimger) that took to task the contestants ignored Balki. THe man whose idea of hitting on a girl is to walk up to her, rub your penis up aganst her and say "wouldnt the sex between us be great".
7 of 26 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 19, 2005 7:55 AM
There was a HUGE mistake in this episode -- Janice Dickinson was clearly on the wrong bowling team. As a matter of IQ, she probably places in the high middle of the Sunshine Strikers group. So how about this for the next spinoff show from the Surreal World: "The Sunshine Strikers Featuring Janice Dickinson."
8 of 26 | Posted by Tom | Posted on July 19, 2005 7:56 AM
This recap was funnier than actually trying to watch this show-bravo sg-dub. Keep up the good work!
9 of 26 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on July 19, 2005 8:54 AM
Watching this show is hard ... it's hilarious and mind-boggling, each time I watch I feel my sense of shame battling with my sense of superiority. I think that it's truly possible that Janice is the worst human being on the planet...
10 of 26 | Posted by dumbanddumber | Posted on July 19, 2005 9:54 AM
will vh1 ever catch on that there is a reason these "stars" were forgotten to begin with? this show sucks.
side note: omarosa and her husband have separated. he must have gotten tired of being a third wheel to omarosa and her ego.
anyone else notice the links to buy steriods on this page?
11 of 26 | Posted by mattie | Posted on July 19, 2005 12:25 PM
What if a man said what Janice said "I don't flirt, I club, drag back to my layer and have my way with"
Anyways, it turned it me on. Janice is a complete idiot whose best days were long ago, but that cockyness is sexy.
12 of 26 | Posted by Tommy | Posted on July 19, 2005 12:39 PM
Very funny. And I was like you, Carey who?
13 of 26 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on July 19, 2005 12:46 PM
I had to hold my breath waiting for the retard comments to end from Janice. Apparently she had no clue that these kids probably didnt drive themselves to the bowling alley, and that crowd of people surrounding them were probably related in some way. I'm not the most PC person, however I do have some sense of decorum, and was amazed that Janice only stopped the retard bashing when Balki whispered to her. I believe, and think VH1 didn't show, that Janice saw the Sunshine Stikers entering the bowling alley, which is when she decided against coaching them. Watching her act like a total idiot is redemption for all the bullshit comments she made to the girls on Top Model. She will soon be known as America's Most Hated First Supermodel.
Don't get me wrong- I still think Omarosa is the devil incarnate. Let us all pray that this is the end of her 15 minutes.
14 of 26 | Posted by Janice on the Short Bus | Posted on July 19, 2005 4:32 PM
What do you think the "stars" of this show get paid to humiliate themselves like this?
It seems to me this is professional suicide for someone like Balki who may still harbor fantasies of making it back to the big time. (Step 1, extreme cosmetic surgery and a good fitness program.
Maybe a hundred grand? Hate to see Janice Dickinson (World's First Supermodel) doing this for $200/day plus meals. Omarosa, minimum wage?
15 of 26 | Posted by B-dub | Posted on July 19, 2005 5:01 PM
cool... steroid links at the bottom!... not that i would use them of course;)
16 of 26 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 20, 2005 4:24 AM
Did Janice's nasty remarks remind anyone else of the griping appliance hauler from Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing?" "That little faggot's got his own jet airplane/that little faggot he's a millionaire"
Or am I just revealing my age?
17 of 26 | Posted by BigMax | Posted on July 20, 2005 11:47 AM
Did anyone else notice on the "Surreal Times" newspaper that the cover had a top bar ad that read "Lucky Being Ignored"--or something along those lines? Poor dog...
18 of 26 | Posted by Southern gal | Posted on July 20, 2005 11:57 AM
i love Janice! I can't wait for her to get her own reality show, you just know midgets will be on it! Maybe even Charla who was great in a guest spot on The Comeback!
19 of 26 | Posted by corona kid | Posted on July 20, 2005 12:40 PM
It's not good when the lesser of two evils is Janice. Seriously, at least Omarosa is a human being!!!! I love Janice on ANTM, but come on, her attempt at humor is just cruel. Janice is now looking like "America's First Cryptkeeper"- yuck- ugly on the inside and out! It's OVER Janice, OVER!!!!
20 of 26 | Posted by Julie | Posted on July 20, 2005 4:03 PM
Julie, not sure which you're saying is worse but to me it's simple. Omarosa the worst ever. Worse than RR Vaginica worse than Nancy Grace. Worse than the maniacs at Paradise Hotel.
21 of 26 | Posted by B-dub | Posted on July 20, 2005 6:11 PM
B-dub, I don't know the other people you mentioned because I have only in the last year become a reality tv addict, but as lame as Omarosa is, Janice is such an attention whore (which I realize with regard to reality tv is really saying something). That being said, they both suck.
22 of 26 | Posted by Julie | Posted on July 20, 2005 6:44 PM
LOL, love how everyone here refers to bronson as "balki".
As much as i hate omorosa, in this episode it showed that she had a heart, she was sweet to the sunshine bowlers. but janice is vile and arrogant.and she is NOT the world's first supermodel!!!
23 of 26 | Posted by Janice Sucks | Posted on July 21, 2005 10:36 PM
wow, challenged bowlers. What a bad idea. Just bad bad. Janice dickinson calling people names. Balki being a smarmy ninny. That black boob implant bossy chick from the apprentice being the stereotypical "I'm not the trouble making african american reality tv camera hog stereotype made so famous by bunim-murray" Oh no, nothing new and non-smarmy here at all.
No but really did you notice the amarosas fake boobies? I mean apparently when she was off the apprentice she then went and got implants. They look like they are bolted to her chest. I first noticed them in the BK commercial.
Also another nice but irritating TV whore that got implants was that lady from the bachelorettte. Her implants are positioned a little better, but they are still pretty fake.
When reality TV gets fake tits.
24 of 26 | Posted by rosary | Posted on July 22, 2005 3:31 AM
This will probably not amuse anyone but me - but as I read the line about the Kool-Aid man bursting on the scene - the Kool-Aid man burst onto the stage of the Conan O'Brien show which I have running in the background as I read this.
It was just weird timing. Weird as heck.
25 of 26 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 22, 2005 10:19 PM
Janice is so fake I'm amazed she has any fans. As much as I am not fond of Omarosa even she had some sense in not mistreating special people.
Janice thought her little jokes were funny, but she looked like an idiot. The sad part is that she said this stuff right in their faces like it was nothing.
I liked her on Top Model but I'm now realizing that she is a cruel and ugly person both inside and out.
26 of 26 | Posted by geovanni | Posted on July 24, 2005 1:40 AM