Not for the first time, The Surreal Life opened with a stirring montage of coffee making, nail painting, sleeping, and George Jefferson yawning. I am now convinced that the show's editors, upon realizing at the end of filming that this season was a real bore, thought it would be funny to start each show alluding to that fact. Let's just say it doesn't exactly get me excited to watch, let alone recap, the show. "Hey, sg-dub, what did you do for Easter?"
"It was awesome! I watched the following conversation take place at the beginning of "The Surreal Life:” The transsexual Alexis Arquette alerted Playboy TV's Andrea Lowell that her thong was showing, for which she was grateful. This somewhat puzzled Alexis, who (despite having a penis) stated, "I like to show my thong." Enter 80's video has-been and spouse abuser Tawny Kitaen who elevated the discourse, noting, "I don't like showing my ass, but I do like showing my thong." Not to be outdone, classy Alexis quipped, "I like to show my ass IN a thong!"
Yes, dear readers, He is Risen!
The rest of the cast gathered around the breakfast table and were essentially just blathering about nothing. We were able to gather that one of the topics was smoking and who had smokers in their families. Then the discussion shifted to that of children and smoking (or something). Florence Henderson asked Steve Harwell if he had any kids and after an uncomfortable pause, he offered up a soft, "No."
After a longer, even more uncomfortable pause Steve told the gang that he had a son who sadly died of leukemia at 6 months. Hoo boy... As a father of a 3 month old, this is not something I enjoy watching on my television. Steve obviously wasn't too keen on talking about the situation but Carol Brady pushed him a bit. Steve choked back some tears and offered up a few heart-wrenching details but really wanted to change the subject. Hey, I have an idea - how about more men in thongs! No? Yeah, you're right, ain't no way to segue out of this paragraph humorously or gracefully. Sigh.
The "Surreal Times" rag was delivered to the house and CC ran to grab it. What wacky adventure awaited the Surreal Seven? Why, they would each get their own "talk show" on which they would deliver a monologue and interview a guest of their choosing! In case they didn't have the ability to get their own guests, a stable of circuit staples was offered up - Bridget the Midget, a guy with a giant mustache, a really old guy, some animal trainer guy... Oh Lori and Reba (ne Dori), where art thou?
Alexis immediately ran off to secure her own guests - presumably someone in his family. Tawny sauntered over to Mrs. Brady and proceeded to play a game of charades that fell flatter than her current career. "Ring! Ring! Ring! Telephone call for Florence Henderson! Ring! Ring! Ring!" Everyone just stared at her - why was she pretending to make a phone call to a woman sitting 3 feet away? She continued her weird little act and everyone just stared at her. Aha, she was "calling" Flo to "book" her as a guest on her "show." (I got it from the get-go, but found it funny that the cast didn't.)
Florence agreed to be Tawny's guest which pleased the former Mrs. Coverdale very much. We then learned that Tawny apparently hates the lovely (if prudish) Mrs. Brady and was out to get her. This was all very strange - especially if it was borne out of the one little "surprise" question Florence asked Tawny during the live newscast the day before. Talk about useless grudges - let's hope Mrs. Brady fares better than Tawny's second ex-husband, Chuck Finley.
Steve Harwell teamed up with Maven to do a joint show - wait, would one of them actually have to exude personality? CC initially tried to team up with George Jefferson, but that later fizzled out. Some help arrived in the form of a talk show director type guy and a couple writers. Quite frankly, their credentials were so lacking that I think, "TVgasm writer" would have been more impressive. One of the guys explained that each would have a 10 minute "show" and they'd be judged, live, by a studio audience. The prize would be hosting the final "Surreal Life" episode - usually "Dirty Laundry." Hey, does that mean old friend Sally Jesse Raphael will no longer take part?! Did Omarosa kill and eat her or something?
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Comments (16)
is it pathetic that i like so noTORIus better than this show? because as much as a garbage show that is, at least it doesn't drive me to want to take more than the weekly recommended dosage of advil. Tawny Kitaenhas to be the most obnoxious 80's skank to flop on the top of a car hood...ever. and that's saying A LOT.
1 of 16 | Posted by anonym.
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Posted on April 17, 2006 4:34 PM
SOOO looking forward to the total meltdown that is Tawny Kitaen. She is clearly this cast's nutjob.
2 of 16 | Posted by Keyser Soze
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Posted on April 17, 2006 6:29 PM
Isn't that the "joke"...that asian people can't drive so someone of that heritage winning the Indy 500 would be unlikely?
3 of 16 | Posted by Jay
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Posted on April 17, 2006 8:47 PM
Thanks for the mug shot ow Tawny -- they should put that on the wall and on the Surreal Life Bus instead of the picture they have.
I loved Alexis thinking he could get QUENTIN TARRENTINO and then settling happily for a muppet. I guess he thinks he scored because he didn't have to take any of the people on the cards or in the house, so Quentin and a muppet were equal "victories." HE'S ONE OF THE HOLLYWOOD ARQUETTES, you know.
4 of 16 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on April 18, 2006 5:04 AM
I hated Tawny back in the Whitesnake days, and after seeing her on this show I hate her even more. She really has some serious issues....
5 of 16 | Posted by jenny10girl
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Posted on April 18, 2006 5:34 AM
Tawny is the GOD DAMN DEVIL...not to mention a complete idiot...she should just die
http://flipkicksandnightbellows.blogspot.com/
6 of 16 | Posted by flipkicks
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Posted on April 18, 2006 5:52 AM
I heard Bobbie Brown, the chick from the "Cherry Pie" video has a serious beef with Shirley Jones of the Partridge Family.
7 of 16 | Posted by JasonR
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Posted on April 18, 2006 8:13 AM
Hey wasn't the prize actually hosting some other "highlights show" on VH1, not the Dirty Laundry episode?? That's what I understood anyway...
8 of 16 | Posted by lguser
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Posted on April 18, 2006 8:44 AM
Oh, and I think you confused Andrea for Alexis with the whole "Bridget the Midget" conversation with CC
9 of 16 | Posted by lguser
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Posted on April 18, 2006 8:47 AM
How sad was it that Alexis couldn't even get a bottom tier Arquette to appear on this crappy show ? I guess none of them is that desperate for screen time.
Anyone else hate the editing on this show ? There are so many times that you can tell someone's "reaction" was clearly not a reaction to what was being said, but just a reaction that got edited in at a later date.
10 of 16 | Posted by Shoe-In
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Posted on April 18, 2006 10:10 AM
I can not stand Tawny Kitaen- - who does that biotch think she is, picking on Mrs. Brady?
And I may be the only one here, but I like Alexis. I think she is hilarious.
11 of 16 | Posted by derder
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Posted on April 18, 2006 10:11 AM
Tawny is a psycho!
http://crime.about.com/library/blkitaentawny.htm
12 of 16 | Posted by Christie
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Posted on April 18, 2006 10:27 AM
"Oh Lori and Reba (ne Dori), where art thou?"
sg-dub, you ARE ONE FUNNY Mo-Fo . I know who they are.
13 of 16 | Posted by ClariceStarling
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Posted on April 18, 2006 11:31 AM
Does Tawny really think that attacking "Mrs. Brady" is going to win her fans?
14 of 16 | Posted by boomersmommy
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Posted on April 18, 2006 4:25 PM
I couldn't even find it in me to watch this episode. Thanks for the recap, I might save next week's on my DVR just to see crazy Tawny.
15 of 16 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on April 19, 2006 7:56 AM
dubby-daddy,
are you saying "Alexis" in the nips pics instead of "Andrea?" i haven't subjected myself to this episode yet...but if there are actually "Alexis" nips, i might have to pass.
16 of 16 | Posted by k37744
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Posted on April 19, 2006 8:29 AM