The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don't care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don't know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week's show.
(And to think... I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain't exactly full of complaints.)
Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his "show?!" Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?
The first "show" was the joint effort of Maven "UFC" Huffman and Steve "Smashmouth" Harwell. Florence Henderson, apparently not hip enough to be down with Oscar Award winning Three 6 Mafia's, "Poppin My Collar," prepped Maven by poppin' down his collar. She then proceeded to put dust on his shoulder. The two of them took the stage and went through a little warm-up routine that included Steve calling Maven, "Mr. Mocha" and asking the audience who was single. Upon receiving no crowd reaction, Steve suggested they all masturbate. Oh yeah, we were off to a good start.
Their guest was Jeff Lee the animal trainer. Wackiness ensued when his binturong started climbing around the set. (A binturong is a bearcat. Or something. According to George Jefferson offstage, "That ain't a bear. A bearcat? It stink." Then he ate a donut and fell asleep (George, not the animal.) Ok, wow, that was exciting, who was up next?
Why it was none other than George Jefferson himself with his oddly titled, "Welcome to the Future" show. Remember he tried to corner his former "Jeffersons" foil Marla Gibbs but she had better things to do - like, oh I don't know, clean windows? (See, kids, she was the maid on that old show.) In lieu of Marla, George trotted out some guy with a giant mustache. Um. Okay. (If I sound bitter towards Mustache Man, it's because he was wearing a Dallass Cowboy jersey. I have standards.)
This is what a real audience for fake talk shows on a bad reality show looks like
Actually, before the mustache man appeared, George again danced around like a fool and sang some unintelligible "song" as his monologue - imagine what we "Surreal Life" viewers didn't get to see! Upon introducing the giant mustache guy, George lied, "Looks good brotherman" and then... What the?!
Marla Gibbs appeared! That is, Marla Gibbs and some completely random woman who trailed behind her. She took the stage and the crowd went wild! Amazingly, George suddenly sprung to life and became totally coherent in his insulting of the "Florence the Maid." It was an amazing thing to watch - kinda like idiot savants who sit around staring motionless all day long and then -BAM- put them in front of a piano and they go wild. Hmmm, I think I'm on to something here.
Marla and Mr. Jefferson did a cute little routine and off she went, with random attendant in tow. So the question remains - who was that woman (she appeared later, still silent at Marla's side, in the "backstage" scenes). Was she a) a nurse of some sort there to aid the aging Ms. Gibbs, b) a Make-A-Wish Foundation "winner" who simply never passed away and submitted her wish in 1975, or c) a stealth bodyguard there to protect Marla from the creepy giant mustache guy, ostensibly the only mustachioed guy who doesn't offer "Free mustache rides." I must know.
Next up was fair Andrea Lowell and her show, "TMI." Andrea has talk show experience on the Playboy Channel, so this would be a snap for her. Or more aptly, an "un"snap for her! (*Rimshot*) The audience was mostly women, so Andrea was upset that they would undoubtedly judge her negatively - especially when her guest was porn "star" Bridget the Midget. (Why are all porn actors dubbed "stars?")
Bridget waddled out to the set and climbed up onto the bed to talk. Bridget is hopelessly homely and, well, she's a freaking dwarf for Christ's sake. I can't imagine watching her in a porno but Andrea assured us that George Jefferson himself claims that "every man's fantasy" is to be with a midget. Oh how I wish that tidbit was captured on videotape.
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Comments (19)
sg-dub...
love the Yo Momma/Wilmer Valderrama reference.
hb
1 of 19 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on April 28, 2006 4:32 PM
That whole Marla Gibb thing was bizarre. If Sherm never actually spoke to her, how did she know when to even show up ? Then I had to spend the rest of the episode wondering who the hell that woman was. I was thinking friend or family member who just felt like being on TV.
2 of 19 | Posted by Shoe-In
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Posted on April 28, 2006 5:54 PM
I actually forgot to watch the last two episodes so thanks for catching me up, sg-dub. CC should give himself more credit as he seems to do quite well without alcohol (also thinking of the newscast).
By the way, Pepe is an actual Muppet and has done commercials for Long John Silvers. No, I didn't already have that nugget of info stored in my brain but it's amazing what a little google will do for you.
Here's hoping Ms Kitaen does something memorable so I remember to watch. Then again, does it really matter?
3 of 19 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on April 28, 2006 6:14 PM
4 of 19 | Posted by pup ruger
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Posted on April 28, 2006 6:32 PM
Highpointing rules.
5 of 19 | Posted by EdHill
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Posted on April 28, 2006 7:01 PM
sg-dub, nice work as usual.
6 of 19 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on April 28, 2006 8:31 PM
I read everything on this (wonderful) site and this may be the funniest recap yet. Damn you for making me watch this horrible show just so I can savor your recaps all the more!
7 of 19 | Posted by Lucy
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Posted on April 29, 2006 2:14 AM
What was amazing about Alexis's show wasn't what an embarrassing bore it was or how much it stank, but that he couldn't figure out why.
Tawny should REALLY not wear belly shirts.
8 of 19 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on April 29, 2006 8:22 AM
Am I the only one who thought it was obvious Tawny went into the bathroom to do a line after her interview bombed? They cut to a few of the cast members saying Tawny dissappeared for a bit and when she returned she was complaining that her nose was burning and kept fidgiting with it. Once a coke-head, always a coke-head.
9 of 19 | Posted by stupid_american
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Posted on April 29, 2006 2:47 PM
Tawny takes pride in the cost of her shoes, in the abscence of any other notable characteristics.
P.S. Any ape could do her makeup better than she does herself.
10 of 19 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on April 29, 2006 3:53 PM
stupid american
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!
thought the same thing...it was soooo obvious
hope someone calls her on it
11 of 19 | Posted by meagster315
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Posted on April 29, 2006 5:27 PM
Spruce Knob? Now that is more important...
12 of 19 | Posted by BigMax
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Posted on April 30, 2006 12:24 PM
Long live the muppets! Pepe rules.
13 of 19 | Posted by gingersnap
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Posted on April 30, 2006 5:47 PM
Thanks, stupid american, for pointing that out. I noticed it too, it was glaringly obvious and it seemed like the rest of the roommates were trying their hardest to NOT say that she was totally coked out afterwards. Something was wrong with her definitely.
I have to say that in all of the things I've seen in the past on Poison and C.C. DeVille, I really thought he would be the annoying one for me on The Surreal Life, but he is my favorite on there. As wacky as it seems, it appears he is the most sane in the whole bunch. And that's saying alot. I was a Tawny fan, you know, from the Whitesnake days, but gah! Bless her heart...she's got some problems that she hasn't totally conquered yet. And it was even more evident on yesterday's show as well.
14 of 19 | Posted by lowtalker
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Posted on May 1, 2006 5:51 AM
Stupid american: Exactly. Why would she ask for butter or baby oil for a sinus infection? And only people who do coke have as bent a perspective on themselves and the world as she does.
She's a disaster. I'm glad Steve flipped her off this week. What's better is that she expected him to apologige to her, but she saw no reason to apologize to Flo.
15 of 19 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on May 1, 2006 7:11 AM
Tawny is clearly ON DRUGS ... you'd have to be to bitch out Flo ... but also, remember when she was calling EVERYONE by the wrong name?
Get drunker and higher Tawny and then maybe go beat your husband again
http://flipkicksandnightbellows.blogspot.com
16 of 19 | Posted by flipkicks
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Posted on May 1, 2006 10:07 AM
Personally, I really like this show. It's a trainwreck, but I like it. And I love CC - I hope he stays sober this time.
Tawny is a horrible sow that I wish someone would knock out - seriously, please let one of Alexis's fits be directed at Tawny and have Alexis punch her in her bad plastic surgery ridden face. She is simply awful - inside and out. Her poor children.
17 of 19 | Posted by livemusicjunkie
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Posted on May 1, 2006 10:15 AM
I don't begrudge most people their wealth -- they earned, married, wheedled, or stole it, and God bless them. But it bothers the hell out of me that Tawny has cash. She oughtta be waiting tables, and regularly shafted for her obnoxious personality.
She should be able to afford a shirt that covers her none-too-attractive belly.
18 of 19 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on May 1, 2006 10:46 AM
I hate Tawny...she is probably the most annoying, disgusting human being on the planet.
19 of 19 | Posted by Alikat
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Posted on May 2, 2006 8:53 AM