If Tyra Banks Can Do It...

042306a.jpegThe last time we saw our favorite seven people we don't care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don't know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week's show.

(And to think... I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain't exactly full of complaints.)

Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his "show?!" Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?

The first "show" was the joint effort of Maven "UFC" Huffman and Steve "Smashmouth" Harwell. Florence Henderson, apparently not hip enough to be down with Oscar Award winning Three 6 Mafia's, "Poppin My Collar," prepped Maven by poppin' down his collar. She then proceeded to put dust on his shoulder. The two of them took the stage and went through a little warm-up routine that included Steve calling Maven, "Mr. Mocha" and asking the audience who was single. Upon receiving no crowd reaction, Steve suggested they all masturbate. Oh yeah, we were off to a good start.

Their guest was Jeff Lee the animal trainer. Wackiness ensued when his binturong started climbing around the set. (A binturong is a bearcat. Or something. According to George Jefferson offstage, "That ain't a bear. A bearcat? It stink." Then he ate a donut and fell asleep (George, not the animal.) Ok, wow, that was exciting, who was up next?

Why it was none other than George Jefferson himself with his oddly titled, "Welcome to the Future" show. Remember he tried to corner his former "Jeffersons" foil Marla Gibbs but she had better things to do - like, oh I don't know, clean windows? (See, kids, she was the maid on that old show.) In lieu of Marla, George trotted out some guy with a giant mustache. Um. Okay. (If I sound bitter towards Mustache Man, it's because he was wearing a Dallass Cowboy jersey. I have standards.)

042306b.jpg
This is what a real audience for fake talk shows on a bad reality show looks like

Actually, before the mustache man appeared, George again danced around like a fool and sang some unintelligible "song" as his monologue - imagine what we "Surreal Life" viewers didn't get to see! Upon introducing the giant mustache guy, George lied, "Looks good brotherman" and then... What the?!

Marla Gibbs appeared! That is, Marla Gibbs and some completely random woman who trailed behind her. She took the stage and the crowd went wild! Amazingly, George suddenly sprung to life and became totally coherent in his insulting of the "Florence the Maid." It was an amazing thing to watch - kinda like idiot savants who sit around staring motionless all day long and then -BAM- put them in front of a piano and they go wild. Hmmm, I think I'm on to something here.

Marla and Mr. Jefferson did a cute little routine and off she went, with random attendant in tow. So the question remains - who was that woman (she appeared later, still silent at Marla's side, in the "backstage" scenes). Was she a) a nurse of some sort there to aid the aging Ms. Gibbs, b) a Make-A-Wish Foundation "winner" who simply never passed away and submitted her wish in 1975, or c) a stealth bodyguard there to protect Marla from the creepy giant mustache guy, ostensibly the only mustachioed guy who doesn't offer "Free mustache rides." I must know.

042306c.jpgNext up was fair Andrea Lowell and her show, "TMI." Andrea has talk show experience on the Playboy Channel, so this would be a snap for her. Or more aptly, an "un"snap for her! (*Rimshot*) The audience was mostly women, so Andrea was upset that they would undoubtedly judge her negatively - especially when her guest was porn "star" Bridget the Midget. (Why are all porn actors dubbed "stars?")

Bridget waddled out to the set and climbed up onto the bed to talk. Bridget is hopelessly homely and, well, she's a freaking dwarf for Christ's sake. I can't imagine watching her in a porno but Andrea assured us that George Jefferson himself claims that "every man's fantasy" is to be with a midget. Oh how I wish that tidbit was captured on videotape.

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Comments (19)

HoneyBunny Author Profile Page:

sg-dub...
love the Yo Momma/Wilmer Valderrama reference.

hb

Shoe-In Author Profile Page:

That whole Marla Gibb thing was bizarre. If Sherm never actually spoke to her, how did she know when to even show up ? Then I had to spend the rest of the episode wondering who the hell that woman was. I was thinking friend or family member who just felt like being on TV.

zevonia Author Profile Page:

I actually forgot to watch the last two episodes so thanks for catching me up, sg-dub. CC should give himself more credit as he seems to do quite well without alcohol (also thinking of the newscast).
By the way, Pepe is an actual Muppet and has done commercials for Long John Silvers. No, I didn't already have that nugget of info stored in my brain but it's amazing what a little google will do for you.
Here's hoping Ms Kitaen does something memorable so I remember to watch. Then again, does it really matter?

pup ruger Author Profile Page:
a Make-A-Wish Foundation "winner" who simply never passed away and submitted her wish in 1975
That made my whole week. Nice work, sg-dub.
EdHill Author Profile Page:

Highpointing rules.

The Svan Author Profile Page:

sg-dub, nice work as usual.

Lucy Author Profile Page:

I read everything on this (wonderful) site and this may be the funniest recap yet. Damn you for making me watch this horrible show just so I can savor your recaps all the more!

holyterror Author Profile Page:

What was amazing about Alexis's show wasn't what an embarrassing bore it was or how much it stank, but that he couldn't figure out why.

Tawny should REALLY not wear belly shirts.

stupid_american Author Profile Page:

Am I the only one who thought it was obvious Tawny went into the bathroom to do a line after her interview bombed? They cut to a few of the cast members saying Tawny dissappeared for a bit and when she returned she was complaining that her nose was burning and kept fidgiting with it. Once a coke-head, always a coke-head.

holyterror Author Profile Page:

Tawny takes pride in the cost of her shoes, in the abscence of any other notable characteristics.

P.S. Any ape could do her makeup better than she does herself.

meagster315 Author Profile Page:

stupid american

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!

thought the same thing...it was soooo obvious

hope someone calls her on it

BigMax Author Profile Page:

Spruce Knob? Now that is more important...

gingersnap Author Profile Page:

Long live the muppets! Pepe rules.

lowtalker Author Profile Page:

Thanks, stupid american, for pointing that out. I noticed it too, it was glaringly obvious and it seemed like the rest of the roommates were trying their hardest to NOT say that she was totally coked out afterwards. Something was wrong with her definitely.

I have to say that in all of the things I've seen in the past on Poison and C.C. DeVille, I really thought he would be the annoying one for me on The Surreal Life, but he is my favorite on there. As wacky as it seems, it appears he is the most sane in the whole bunch. And that's saying alot. I was a Tawny fan, you know, from the Whitesnake days, but gah! Bless her heart...she's got some problems that she hasn't totally conquered yet. And it was even more evident on yesterday's show as well.

holyterror Author Profile Page:

Stupid american: Exactly. Why would she ask for butter or baby oil for a sinus infection? And only people who do coke have as bent a perspective on themselves and the world as she does.

She's a disaster. I'm glad Steve flipped her off this week. What's better is that she expected him to apologige to her, but she saw no reason to apologize to Flo.

Tawny is clearly ON DRUGS ... you'd have to be to bitch out Flo ... but also, remember when she was calling EVERYONE by the wrong name?

Get drunker and higher Tawny and then maybe go beat your husband again

http://flipkicksandnightbellows.blogspot.com

livemusicjunkie Author Profile Page:

Personally, I really like this show. It's a trainwreck, but I like it. And I love CC - I hope he stays sober this time.

Tawny is a horrible sow that I wish someone would knock out - seriously, please let one of Alexis's fits be directed at Tawny and have Alexis punch her in her bad plastic surgery ridden face. She is simply awful - inside and out. Her poor children.

holyterror Author Profile Page:

I don't begrudge most people their wealth -- they earned, married, wheedled, or stole it, and God bless them. But it bothers the hell out of me that Tawny has cash. She oughtta be waiting tables, and regularly shafted for her obnoxious personality.

She should be able to afford a shirt that covers her none-too-attractive belly.

Alikat Author Profile Page:

I hate Tawny...she is probably the most annoying, disgusting human being on the planet.

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