Previous seasons of The Surreal Life have given voice to likes of MC Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis, Corey Feldman, Vanilla Ice, Ron Jeremy and that old chick from 90210...no the other old chick.

Needless, to say this season had a lot to live up to.

How can a show maintain the integrity, the honesty...the reliability of its predecessors? As if performing a public service to warn children of the prolong effects of exposure to drugs and alcohol, VH1 has given roof to Flava Flav, Charro, Bridgette Nielson and some less interesting decent people.

If you haven't caught on yet, the latest edition of The Surreal Life features a bunch of house mates that despite their seemingly random concoction of personalities, all share one important thing in common - they are either accomplished musicians or seeking to be accomplished musicians. Charo and Flavor Flav are the two best known musicians, one an accomplished flamenco guitarist and the other a member of the Hip Hop group Public Enemy. Jordan Knight was a member of New Kids on the Block, and is now trying to do a solo career. Ryan Starr was a hottie from American Idol, and is also working on a solo career. Dave Coulier has recorded several albums of children's music. And even Brigitte Nielsen has released a few songs in Europe. Thanks to a suggestion from reader Kevin, TVGasm has decided to round up some of the music from these great artists so you don't have to. No, no, it's our pleasure.

Although VH1 has tucked The Surreal Life away into that lonely Sunday night at 10PM Eastern time slot, it continues to be a stellar piece of "crane your neck as you drive by the car crash" piece of entertainment. While you can't argue that Rob and Amber from Survivor are the most famous reality couple in recent memory, there surely isn't enough words to describe the spectacle of Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. He seems like a fin guy, she seems like she is drunk all of the time, and they both enjoy it when she is walking around topless. Now that's a recipe for relationship success.

When Jordan Knight agreed to appear on this latest season of The Surreal Life, I am sure he was hoping to do a lot of things, not the least of which was convince the world that he did actually exist and convince the world that Donnie Wahlberg is not the only member of New Kids on the Block to achieve a legitimate career in the entertainment industry. Mission accomplished on the first, not so much on the second. If there is anything this season of The Surreal Life has taught us, it is that Jordan Knight probably should never sing or act again, lest humanity be unable to recover again.

This latest incarnation of The Surreal Life has the house guests going through some interesting activities. While they aren't exactly at the level of The Apprentice or Amazing Race, the producers have kept it enjoyable and haven't asked too much of our little group of musicians. Unfortunately, when it came time to choose who was going to produce their first single, they chose perhaps the least talented musician in the house and one five years removed from any quest at the pop charts. As many of us watched the train wreck more formally called "Jordan Knight Attempts Producing a Hit Single" we all wondered just how badly it would sound. It turned out worse than almost anybody could have imagined, but it should be enough to keep any more Jordan Knight musical efforts away from human consumption for at least another five years.

As the fourth season of Surreal Life kicks of on VH1, one thing becomes clear very quickly... Joanie Laurer's underwear isn't the only thing filled with nuts.

Review and VIDEO OF VERNE "MINI ME" TROYER NAKED PEEING on the carpet after the jump...

Avid, TvGasm reader and Hollywood insider "A.A.", had a small celebrity sighting with Verne "Mini Me" Troyer at one of the hollywood television studio lots today. Though the small statured star was enroute to a meeting and unable to oblige to a fan seeking a photo, he did leave his famously pee'd on scooter unattended and available for this paparazzi shot.

As a fan since day one, (Ah Corey Feldman, be still my beating heart) I've come to expect insanely ridiculous premiere episodes of The Surreal Life. Just a few days after coming down from the high I got from my Chenema and Big Brother 6's premiere, VH1 got me right back up again with the cornerstone of its reality lineup. Due to other commitments, I'll have to ignore VH1's other two “CelebReality” premieres last night - Celebrity Fit Club and Hogan Knows Best. And by "commitments" I mean, "I'd rather blind myself by slowly sublimating my viscous eye-meat milligram by milligram with a drop of 98% sulphuric acid every 30 seconds until I'm left with two empty dripping sockets than watch the Hulkster's reality series." Sorry, I was always a Ric Flair fan - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[*Malki is not a real word, but could be a new short form of "malcontent." Actually, "Balki" and "Alky" aren't real words either but you know what they mean in this context. So there.]

Janice makes her kids proud

As my collegiate human physiology course taught me, Omarosa is probably right. With so much Botox, Silicone, Saline, Silly Putty, Make-up, and space age polymers in her body, Janice undoubtedly IS now "allergic to herself." Her already depleted immune system (she has had sex with Jon Lovitz, after all) is surely attacking all the foreign substances in her body - I haven't yet decided if I'd prefer a long, slow, painful process or a quick "Raiders of the Lost Ark" face-melting death for her. Something to ponder next time I'm on the crapper.

Yes, I know I used the same title that the show's producers came up with. What can I say? It's a good one and it certainly has all the qualities I try to impart in my own titles. I do feel cheesy using it though... My second choice was "Janice Dickenson is Still a Bitch." And an ugly one at that. This week's episode opened with a harrowing look at Janice: Behind the Mask. Oh. My. God. She is a downright disturbing-looking human before the two hours of work her stylists put into her face every day. You know how sometimes you'll be hiking in the woods and stumble upon a perfectly good-looking deer carcass and say to yourself, "Hmm, a well-preserved dead deer. I think I'll take the head and mount the antlers above my fireplace. This will prove to Dad finally that I AM a man and I can hunt and kill and all that manly stuff, even if I have to lie a little." And so you go over to the dead deer and lift up the head but much to your disgust and dismay, as you lift the antlers it pulls the buck's face off with the rack, exposing the decaying maggot-infested interstitial facial fatty tissue? Well, Janice Dickenson is just like that. Except she a human and not a deer and she's alive and not dead. I think.

Wait, you mean you've never happened upon a dead deer and attempted to validate your manhood by stealing its antlers in a lame attempt to appease your father? Oh. It's back to the therapist for me, I suppose. Keep in mind that the show only exposed the evil beast behind the Janice mask for a mere split second - as I'm sure her contract said something like, "You may not air one second of footage of me before I am made up for the day." So VH1 aired about .85 seconds worth with the opening credits onscreen to boot... Well played, VH1, well played.

I'm not sure how many episodes of The Surreal Life are remaining, but we must be getting near the end of the season. Heck, I hope so as I need to clear out a lot of TiVo space for the impending fall season. The sad part is that I have two dual input machines. Ahhhhh, sweet, sweet TV, I suckle at your cathode teat. With that in mind, I caressed my ergonomic remote control (I call him "Mr. Buttons" but you don't need to know that) and prepared for another half hour of Janice Dickenson being herself. That is, being a complete idiot.

The houseguests were roused at 7AM with no idea what was in store for them. Amid the grumbles and groans, Carey Hart grabbed the day's Surreal Times and learned they were all off to Vegas, baby. Without the "Vegas(t)" idea of why they were going there, they quickly packed for Sin City and clambered aboard a luxury bus. (I know that my use of "Vegas(t)" instead of "vaguest" wasn't funny or really all that clever. In fact, it was probably hard to decipher. However, I decided it was such a reach and so stupid that my inner editor left it in the recap. This reminds me, there is a job open for the position of my inner editor. Please send your resumes to my email address below. You must describe your ability to "get inside my brain" and control me like a marionette.)

The latest episode of The Surreal Life contained one of the funniest cameos in television history. OK, OK, perhaps that's a bit too much of a compliment, but damn, Tim Stack is one funny and ballsy dude. His jokes and insults flew out of his mouth faster and more furiously than if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog himself was on the show. Then again, with the likes of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson on the same show, hurling insults is an expected necessity more than anything else.

The show began with the rousing of the Surreal Lifers after their night of drunken carousing at The Palms in Las Vegas. You'll recall that The World's First Supermodel Janice Dickenson made quite a slaggy spectacle of herself the previous night, groping any man within 10 feet after her disgusting whoring for Jose Canseco didn't pan out. Everyone groaned the tell tale hangover groans and awoke to a nice breakfast spread. Immediately Jose lashed out at the still-sleeping Janice, "Dealing with her last night was the biggest pain in the ass, ever." This from a guy who dated Madonna. And believe me, with all that built up scar tissue from his steroid injections, Jose knows ass pain. Still desperately trying to "fit in" with the human race, Bronson (Balki) Pinchot chimed in, "Yeah, she treats the man like a salt lick in a cow barn." Is it me or does it seem like Balki took the Yakov Smirnov "Learn Comedy in 30 Minutes" on tape course before entering the Surreal House? Even his syntax is stilted like a recent Russian immigrant.

The title is my onomatopoetic attempt at the famous violin screeching from shower scene in "Psycho." My use of the word "onomatopoetic" is my attempt at pretending I'm smart. My watching The Surreal Life is the proof against me when I pretend I'm smart. This week, the show was titled "The Knife Incident," which we all knew was the one that got all the press before the season aired. Because, apparently, knife-wielding wenches are funny and exciting. In truth, it was disturbing and strange.

The entire episode, which Surreal Life viewers know only really amounts to about 15 minutes of new footage, was more or less a "Battle of the Bitches" in which Omarosa and Janice Dickenson verbally duked it out - no holds barred. Before the hours-long main event, Janice had another little dust-up with everyone's favorite pervert, Balki. This came after Balki declared Caprice "Like Our Lady of Fatima - virginal yet at the same time, accessible." Now, I'm not Catholic so I'll let others comment on the veracity of that comment. But when I hear the words "Our Lady of" before a woman's name, "accessible" certainly doesn't come to mind. With sex still on the brain, Balki randomly asked Janice, "how many truckers did you sleep with yesterday?" referring to her drive from Las Vegas to LA. Hoo boy, that didn't go over with The World's First Supermodel too well.

Earlier in this most disturbing of The Surreal Life seasons, I shouldered the difficult task of recapping an episode that featured mentally and physically challenged kids. How to make that funny, without making fun of the kids? Looking back, that was a piece of cake compared the mess that's airing this week on VH1. Sure, the newest episode is rife with slurs, baseless accusations, tales of stabbings and gunshots, creepy Balki crying jags, and a backyard barbeque - that stuff I can handle. But incestuous pedophilia? Mamma Mia. The hardest part is that it involved The World's First Supermodel, Janice Dickinson, who has rapidly risen to be one of the most contemptible and detestable pieces of crap to ever appear on my television. Luckily (for me), equally contemptible and detestable piece of crap Omarosa was also prominently featured - and she's only the victim of seven stabbings and gunshots and an unfortunate lantern jaw malformation.

That's right, in this episode, Omarosa revealed that she's been stabbed seven times. And shot at. But I'll get to that in a minute. The show began right where last week's left off: Omarosa threatening to leave and continuing to call Janice a "crack whore bitch" and every other possible variant of that insult. Gee, ya think Trump was watching and reconsidering his decision to "fire" her? I mean, she is so professional and well-spoken and diplomatic. I'm actually now enjoying the mental picture of The Donald sitting in his cushy leather recliner, martini in hand and ascot in place, watching this show on VH1. "Carolyn, George - get in here. Get this Balki guy on the phone. He's really showing me something here."

Since last week's episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that - Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to "investigate" steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he's been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I'll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.

The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day's emotional shitstorm - you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa's weave glue... Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day's ugliness. Even Omarosa said, "I don't even want to talk about it." Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she'd talk more about her "I got stabbed seven times" claim, but something tells me we won't be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC's Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo's All-Star Reality Reunion... How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.

*Not that Cappy, this one.

This week's episode of The Surreal Life, running nearly nonstop on VH1, continued and concluded the Sally Jesse Rafael "Dirty Laundry" segment. Last week she determined Balki, Janice, and Jose to be "real." This week, the focus would be entirely on Omarosa herself. Somewhere in between, I'm sure, Sally spent about 6 seconds each on Pepa, Caprice, and Carey Hart - equaling the airtime they've gotten all season. Something tells me that Carey's home life with Pink is far more interesting than anything Omarosa does, but I'm forced to work with what they give me. No matter how insipid.

Early Sunday evening, after I enjoyed a few pops with EdHill at my favorite local watering hole watching my Uconn Huskies advance to the Sweet 16, I ate some dinner and dozed off in my comfy living room chair. A few hours later I was awoken by the plaintive wails of my 2-month old son, baby-dub.

"Daaa-liii," he mused, "Daaa-liiiii!" Whatever, I thought; he's just testing out a new sound. Awakened, I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock to see what time it was - Whoa! In my beery sleep-deprived state, the clock appeared to be melting off the wall! Totally freaked, I looked around and noticed the windows had gotten very small. "Daaa-liii," baby-dub continued. Oh... Wait... That's right, it was time for another season of VH1's Surreal Life and my genius son was simply reminding me not to miss the premiere. And boy, am I glad he remembered - because my weekend wouldn't have been complete without seeing a prosthetic boob, a bunch of washed up coke-heads, and a skidmark for the ages.

Yes folks, it's back. Making lemonade out of a lemon, after the jump.

I'm conflicted. About midway through last season's Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again - having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I'm thoroughly bored watching the most recent incarnation of the show. But you know what? I'll take "Bored" over "Disgusted with the entire human race" any day. So give me a sec - just putting on my rose-colored glasses... There we go.

The Los Angeles day dawned 68 degrees, smog-free, and beautiful. With bluebirds chirping and the smell of bacon and coffee wafting through the house, CC Deville jogged on the elliptical trainer, George Jefferson yawned, and Maven Huffman dropped in some eye drops. The scene was set - this was gonna be some exciting stuff!

There was one throwaway line in this week's Surreal Life that sums up the overall tone and feeling of the entire episode: Tawny Kitaen made some unfunny comment to the mayor of San Luis Obispo about his son which prompted the mayor to dourly respond, "My son passed away 15 years ago." Ouch.

Ouch indeed. As Tawny was dealing with that punch in her flabby gut, we viewers were dealing with a similar feeling simply from watching the entire episode... The episode that went nowhere, accomplished nothing, and contained such emptiness that Friedrich Nietze was surely behind it all. After all, you can't tell me that God is alive after seeing 7 nobodies doing nothing and VH1 pretending it's entertaining.

And yet, I will still recap it. I'll probably make up a bunch of stuff and allow a stream of consciousness style take over - simply to make up for the likes of Maven Huffman, Sherman Hemsley, Steve Harwell, and Florence Henderson - all four of which said a grand total of maybe 50 words this episode. Let's see where my mind wanders, after the jump...

The trailers for this week's Surreal Life 6 episode promised excitement and conflict. Heck, after the first few shows, I was downright giddy for some crazy hijinks. Conversely, the trailers also showed a sleeping Sherman Hemsley. Sigh, when a show advertises that it puts one of it's leading cast members to sleep, imagine what it's doing to us viewers?

Yeah. "Imagine...” I suppose that's what 95% of you must do because honestly, who's actually watching this season? It's really a shame, too, because I was such a believer in the show. I absolutely loved Seasons 1, and 2, and rather enjoyed 4. I never got into 3, but it spawned Flavor of Love, so I guess it was alright. (It also had that NKOTB kid on it, Jordan, who has apparently walked off the set of the "Surreal Life All-Stars" filming now.) And it's no secret I hated 5, but I figured the show would return to its roots this go-round.

This episode was the first to attempt to do just that - the carnage after the jump.

Not for the first time, The Surreal Life opened with a stirring montage of coffee making, nail painting, sleeping, and George Jefferson yawning. I am now convinced that the show's editors, upon realizing at the end of filming that this season was a real bore, thought it would be funny to start each show alluding to that fact. Let's just say it doesn't exactly get me excited to watch, let alone recap, the show. "Hey, sg-dub, what did you do for Easter?"

"It was awesome! I watched the following conversation take place at the beginning of "The Surreal Life:” The transsexual Alexis Arquette alerted Playboy TV's Andrea Lowell that her thong was showing, for which she was grateful. This somewhat puzzled Alexis, who (despite having a penis) stated, "I like to show my thong." Enter 80's video has-been and spouse abuser Tawny Kitaen who elevated the discourse, noting, "I don't like showing my ass, but I do like showing my thong." Not to be outdone, classy Alexis quipped, "I like to show my ass IN a thong!"

Yes, dear readers, He is Risen!

The last time we saw our favorite seven people we don't care about, they were preparing for their very own 10 minute talk shows. VH1 made us wait a WHOLE WEEK to see the finalized efforts of the Surreal Life gang. I don't know about you, but I had a rough time sleeping leading up to this week's show.

(And to think... I made YOU wait almost another whole week to read the recap. And yet, my inbox ain't exactly full of complaints.)

Would Maven and Steve pull their show off with no preparation?! Would CC overcome his nerves and be able to avoid alcohol before his "show?!" Would Sherman Hemsley stay awake long enough to get through his 10 minutes?! Would Tawny Kitaen bitchslap the kindly elder Carol Brady for no apparent reason?! If a tree fell on the Surreal Life house and killed all these people, would it make a noise in the media?

I love it. I mention it every week and it seems the Surreal Life editors play it up more and more each successive episode. What is "It?" "It" is the opening "Yawntage" seen every week to open the show. Now that we can say with confidence that this season is by far the most uneventful and lackluster, we can also say the editors definitely agree. I mean, if they felt otherwise, would they have shown us a full minute the housemates yawning, stretching, and rubbing their eyes? And keep in mind that "A full minute" constitutes 18% of each episode.

[Note to the show's editors: Please don't take that last sentence as a complaint - believe me, we like it that way. It's like, we all enjoy Hershey Kisses, right? Small, sweet, and easily digested. But those huge 1 pound novelty kisses our annoying white trash relatives give us when they make the trek to Amish Country and Hershey Park? Everyone hates them and no one can actually eat them. In other words, keep the episodes short and sweet, please.]

And so it was, with all the yawning and sleeping, I was drifting before the show even got going and then...

By Treadingonme

I only caught parts of the Surreal Life Fame Games episode last week, as I assumed from the commercials that it was actually quite terrible.  I was actually surprised upon watching it this week that it was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting.   

Anyways, I’m not entirely clear on the rules of this show, but I think there are 10 “celebrities” and they all start out on the “A-list.”  Obviously I’m using quotes because these people are technically neither real celebrities, nor on the A-list.  The goal is to stay on the A-list as long as possible before going over to the “B-list” (again, these people aren’t even B-listers).  Once everyone is on the B-list, there are competitions and eliminations until one person is left standing and wins $100,000, probably for spending or buying their way into the public eye slightly more than now.  

By Treadingonme

Sorry for the slight delay on the recap for Surreal Life Fame Games, but Sunday was the Bears game, and the Bears going to the Super Bowl trump recapping Surreal Life, no matter how great (or not great) it may be.

I picked up the actual rules for the game this week and I was pretty close with my guess last week. The only mistake I made was that once teams are evenly divided up, then the A-list competes against the B-list. However, there is still only one winner who wins the money and whatever else comes with it. My problem with this is that these people have money, so I would hope at least some portion of the winnings would go to a charity or something, but I doubt that happens.

By Treadingonme

Every day at work I look forward to reading the recaps of some of my favorite shows on TVgasm.  Or sometimes I just enjoy reading recaps of shows I hate but think the recaps are hilarious.  But this past Wednesday when I was checking TVgasm for the second time that morning, I saw that it had been blocked by the company firewall.  Now I’ve been robbed of burning anywhere between 10 and 45 minutes a day thanks to that.  So I’ve stopped working in protest.  I know that doesn’t relate to the show at all; I’m mainly just looking for sympathy.   

The last time we saw the crew from Surreal Life Fame Games, the B-listers lost Brigitte in the Back to Reality competition. Technically, Verne lost the competition, but Brigitte said she wanted to leave, and I have to assume that even the producers of the show were sick of her complaining and constantly threatening to leave, so they gladly obliged her. Brigitte probably would have pulled the same thing had Chyna Doll won, so really it made absolutely no sense for her to even try to get the correct answers in the competition. But, as we've learned before, Brigitte and sense are like oil and water; they don't mix.

You may or may not have noticed that there was a delay in getting out the recap for The Surreal Life Fame Games this week. The reason for that is that I spent this weekend at my very first Mardi Gras. I personally feel like being allowed to have open alcohol in public is the greatest law man has made since repealing prohibition. On top of that, I've been having issues with my DVR, but I managed to get it working so I could watch this week's episode. But enough excuses, let's get to the action.

Well the Surreal Life Fame Games was back this week after a week off due to the Oscars. If there's one thing I think we can all agree on, it's that the people who watch the Surreal Life are the same people who watch the Oscars. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated getting a break from the Ron Jeremy School of Comedy, but I don't really think VH1 would have taken that much of a hit in the ratings if it had actually shown the episode of the Fame Games. Besides, as boring as the Oscars were, they probably would have gotten a lot of viewers at some point throughout the night. But who cares about the Oscars or what I think; let's get to the action.

This week's episode of The Surreal Life Fame Games showed us that as long as you're persistent, mature and calm, you can achieve absolutely anything in life that you hope to. This is a far cry from the rest of the episodes, where we've seen bickering over little things and people so deluded with themselves that they've lost touch with reality. Not this week though. This week was entirely different. Also, I would like to point out that I'm atrociously lying. It's more of the same in the old Fame Games house, so let's get to the action.

I wish I could decode what his shirt says. DAMN TAPE!

On Sunday I woke up with a terrible hangover and a cut on my eye that I am not entirely sure how I received. Let me just say right now that watching The Surreal Life Fame Games is a terrible cure for a hangover. Also, I think that this episode in particular was terrible for a hangover because I nearly lost my lunch after seeing a certain scene involving Ron Jeremy. However, I guess those are just the risks you run when you begin drinking at 1:30 p.m. on St. Patrick's Day (it was a late start), you don't get home until 2:45 a.m. from the bar, and it's your job to recap The Surreal Life. This is the life I lead. So let's find out what nearly made me lose my lunch.

So this is it. It's the end of the road for this season of The Surreal Life Fame Games. There have been some highs and some lows. Well, I'm sure there have been some lows, like any of the times Vanilla Ice went crazy and threatened to leave, or any of the times that Verne Troyer said he was going to leave, or any of Ron Jeremy's various bad dick jokes. Who really knows if there have been any highs? I guess you could consider the season coming to an end a high? But anyways, it's all come down to this. With only four guests remaining in house, $100,000 up for grabs, and tension so thick you can cut it with a knife (or maybe that's Ron Jeremy's stench), this is the finale of the first ever Surreal Life Fame Games. Thank God.