Since last week's episode generated such conflicting emotions in all of us, I was very much hoping that this week would more clearly help us determine who is the more contemptible slag: Omarosa or Janice. The other five Surreal Life houseguests are merely bit players in the whole Omarosa vs. Janice bitchfest. Think about that - Jose Canseco more or less spawned a special congressional hearing (no matter how pithy) a few months ago to "investigate" steroid use and abuse in Major League Baseball. And he's been relegated to barely a bit part on the show. If anything, Carey Hart now knows that no matter how bitchy his girl Pink gets at home, there are women in this world who are much, MUCH worse. But who was worse this episode? Hell, I'll throw Eva Braun and Aileen Wuornos into the mix to give them some evil, whoring competition.
The episode opened with the gang waking up the morning after the previous day's emotional shitstorm - you know, the knife incident, the incest/rape/pedophilia stuff, the weird non-stop crying jags, the name-calling, Pepa using up all of Omarosa's weave glue... Everyone pretty much exhaled deeply and just wanted to move past the previous day's ugliness. Even Omarosa said, "I don't even want to talk about it." Call me a wee bit cynical, but I found that impossible to believe. Stick a camera in her horseface, and this bitch will talk about anything. I wish she'd talk more about her "I got stabbed seven times" claim, but something tells me we won't be hearing anymore about that. Not on E! True Hollywood Story, not on Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, not on NBC's Celebrity Fear Factor, not on Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars, not on Bravo's All-Star Reality Reunion... How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen? If ever there was a more compelling argument for me to start watching the History and Discovery channels more, this may be it.
Omarosa grabbed the "Surreal Times" newspaper and announced the day's activity: Golfing. Weak - but since we knew it was just a ruse to get the Surreal Seven out of the house so they could set up the "Dirty Laundry" set, I forgave the show. So they all got dressed and happily got ready to go golfing. Wait, did I say 'they all'? Proving himself to be one of the stranger people on the planet, Balki stuck his thumb in his mouth, curled into a fetal position, and nestled himself in bed under a bunch of blankets. Huh? You just KNOW this dude has some even MORE shocking personal revelations than even Janice. While I'm no psychiatrist, I've attempted to piece together the childhood of Balki, based on his Surreal Life behavior:
He was born and burdened with the name "Bronson."
He never once displayed a single character trait shown by Charles Bronson.
He got the crap beat out of him by neighborhood kids as a result.
He got the crap beat out of him by his father as a result of that.
His father made him "do stuff" to his sister to prove his manhood.
He was forced to play golf, and he sucked.
He was forced to accept golf clubs rectally (working himself up to a 5 wood).
Hearing Janice's incest stories coupled with having to play golf caused complete mental breakdown.
Anyone want to argue with that? Didn't think so. After he crawled back into bed shouting "No" over and over and rocking back and forth (At least Janice will have a partner at the funny farm after the show), Janice tried to convince him to go by saying, "I'll be nice to Omarosa if you go. Caprice, please give him oral sex so he'll go." Zing! Actually, not so much of a Zing when you remember that 8 hours prior, Janice had just bared her black soul about how her father forced her to do that very act in exchange for her to alter her behavior in some way. So, y'know, that's not really funny, Janice. In fact, I feel imaginary scabies now crawling under my skin. Ugh, this show is that disturbing.
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Comments (36)
I can only assume that's Janice bent over in the pic(next to the golf cart pic), and went commando?
1 of 36 | Posted by British | Posted on September 28, 2005 6:04 AM
Where exactly are these alleged stabwounds? Omarosa shows a lot of skin right down to bikinis. I'd think they were noticeable.
2 of 36 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:15 AM
Thankyou for making the statement "How the hell does this horrible woman continue to appear on my TV screen." This evil, horsed-faced ugly horrible excuse for a human being needs to suffer the consequences of her shittiness. EWWW I HATE HER!!!!
3 of 36 | Posted by muchas gracias | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:43 AM
thank you sg-dub for the hilarious recap, the mental image of janice riding her chair over to sally was great! Poor brosnan...does this show come with psy. services afterwards? it should
4 of 36 | Posted by whitney | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:44 AM
I knew you guys were going to post a picture of Balki's sweat pit!! hahahahaha I'm still laughing at that pathetic douche.
5 of 36 | Posted by trailor park taylor | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:56 AM
No one appreaciates a Vampire Don shout out more than me. He lives in our hearts forever.
I like how Janice can go from declaring that shes a "PTA mom" and joking about her banging a truck driver is rude, and then 5 minutes later she downs 5 lines of coke and starts shoving her dusty clit in everyones faces.
6 of 36 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 28, 2005 9:30 AM
..7 stab wounds, further proving that the 8th one's the charm.
7 of 36 | Posted by JaniceMakesDrugsHigh | Posted on September 28, 2005 10:38 AM
Thank you for another great recap!!!! I just love this site...not that you guys don't hear that a million times a day.
Just curious though, did I miss something? Why are Rob and Amber considered "villains"? (I'm not a Survivor fan, but I watched part of their wedding w/my mom, so I don't know much other than my mom likes them)
8 of 36 | Posted by Christy | Posted on September 28, 2005 11:07 AM
I'm with you Christy, I dont see them as villains. They get a bad rap because they were the first AR team to use slowing down other teams as a strategy. Big whoop. CBS cheated and gave it to chip anyway.
And Vampire Don isnt a villain, he is a prophet of darkness.
9 of 36 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 28, 2005 11:11 AM
ok who is Vampire Don?
10 of 36 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on September 28, 2005 11:27 AM
How are these people always so surprised when the Sally episode comes on?! It happens every season!
11 of 36 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on September 28, 2005 12:06 PM
I'm disturbed I'm still watching this show. I mean, *you* have to because you have to write about it, but what is my excuse?
Really, it bothers me that I can't leave it alone. It must be TIVO's fault. Yeah, that TIVO. Controlling bitch. Grabbing this show and forcing me to watch it against my will.
Damn TIVO. Damn it, I say.
12 of 36 | Posted by Amber | Posted on September 28, 2005 1:41 PM
WHo is vampire Don? Only the most unintentionally hilarious reality show character in history. From the little seen, but freaking awesome, reality show Mad Mad House on the Sci-Fi channel. If anyone has the FOX Reality channel, they are planning on reairing it. I would sell my left nut for a Mad Mad House 2. And thats my GOOD nut.
13 of 36 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 28, 2005 1:48 PM
Can we talk about how horrible Omarosa's hair is? It's weighed down on top with too much product and then poofs out, giving her an interesting pyramid shape to compliment to her horse teeth.
14 of 36 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on September 28, 2005 1:53 PM
I feel that I have a case of cooties just from watching Janice show her ass on this show.......
15 of 36 | Posted by judy | Posted on September 28, 2005 4:21 PM
I think the real shocker this season is how deep-seated Balky's mental illness apparently is. The guy is creepy, and we only saw the tip of the iceberg. Janice is whacked and clearly needs a long inpatient treatment stay. Omarosa is the Anti Christ. Guess what horse face- we are tired of watching you. We don't love to hate you, we just hate you. Go away. Forever.
Has Surreal Life jumped the shark?
16 of 36 | Posted by Balky is Creepy | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:11 PM
runswith -
You simply must learn the power of Vampire Don. In fact, come to think of it, he should be in the next Surreal Life cast. (The witch lady from Mad, Mad House is in the latest Playboy, btw.)
Balky is Creepy -
Speaking of the next cast and Jumping the Shark... you tell me. The next season cast revealed:
The housemates will include Sherman Helmsley, aka George Jefferson of "The Jeffersons;" Smashmouth singer Steve Harwell; Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille; 1980s Whitesnake video vixen Tawny Kitaen; Playboy TV's Andrea Lowell; and actress Alexis Arquette. Florence Henderson, the matriarch of "The Brady Bunch" joins the show as an "on-call therapist/adviser," VH1 announced. The cast will also get to choose a seventh member from a group of "reality hunks,"
17 of 36 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on September 28, 2005 7:38 PM
Speaking of weird mental problems on tv, that breaking bonaduche is weirdly compelling. i watched a whole episode with my remote in hand on the verge of changing the channel. but i couldn't do it.
18 of 36 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on September 29, 2005 5:57 AM
Sally Jesse Raphael
----------------------
Omarosa, Janice, Balki, clearly some of the sickest, most pathetic "celebrities" imaginable but what about Sally Jesse Raphael? She used to have her own show up there with Oprah, Riki Lake, and Dr. Phil. Now she'll come to your house, set up a couple of folding chairs in your living room, brings in an "audience" and conducts a special home version of her show just for you.
Is this pathetic or what? Is she availble for Bar Mitzvahs and children's birthday partys?
19 of 36 | Posted by B-dub | Posted on September 29, 2005 11:54 AM
seriously, rob/amber are as evil and morally corrupt as a republican congressman from texas!
i actually found janice screaming at the housemates "FORE THIS!" whilst on the golf course to be mildly hilarious.
20 of 36 | Posted by jash | Posted on September 29, 2005 1:37 PM
Does anyone else here miss Sally's blonde "Dorothy Hamill" hairdo, as much as I do? As far as the Janice vs. Omarosa thing goes, at least Janice (as awful as she is) has a heart. The other thing is just a waste of space. If Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth thinks she is so classy and wonderful, what the hell is she doing whoring herself on reality tv for? Shouldnt she be hosting some socialite event, or running a big company?
21 of 36 | Posted by Trixie | Posted on September 30, 2005 10:20 AM
Bonadouche...LOL
22 of 36 | Posted by Fuzzbait | Posted on October 1, 2005 12:01 AM
Why didn't Omarosa go at it with Sally Jesse Rafael,it would have given her cred. Unfortunately, you guys are right. Omarosa is just useless..a product of corporate culture where no one actually does anything except blame the other person. I'm waiting for physical violence..
23 of 36 | Posted by dredge | Posted on October 2, 2005 8:18 PM
Did anyone notice teeth marks on Caprice's left shoulder??? They were very clear. I hope she and the perv. Bronson....noooo, oh please...no!
This was the sickest bunch of wierdos the show has had ( except for Pepa, Caprice,and Cary). I hated the rest!
24 of 36 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on October 3, 2005 11:55 PM
Did anyone notice teeth marks on Caprice's left shoulder??? They were very clear. I hope she and the perv. Bronson....noooo, oh please...no!
This was the sickest bunch of wierdos the show has had ( except for Pepa, Caprice,and Cary). I hated the rest!
25 of 36 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on October 3, 2005 11:56 PM
RE:"I feel that I have a case of cooties just from watching Janice show her ass on this show.......
Posted by: judy"
You just can tell Janice's snatch is rank a'la Alex (see Laguna Beach). Her bikini waxer must have to go in there with SWAT team precautions.
26 of 36 | Posted by SnappyDialogue | Posted on October 4, 2005 10:25 AM
your recaps are hilarious I check in with you perioidcally for more keep em coming
27 of 36 | Posted by lmthoms1 | Posted on October 6, 2005 6:03 PM
Its so funny that all of you are so quick to jump on Omarosa for being a quote on quotebitch, when there are alot more extremely annoying, more evil bitchier people. Like Janice Dickinson. I had to stop watching this show because I couldn't stand tolisten to her open her fake, plastic mouth. All she does is throw fits until Pepa kisses her ass and tell's her how fabulous and famous she is, make fun of retarted people, try to turn Balki on, then scream rape when he comes at her, flirt with the jock, and flash her pasty, nast saggy, wrinkly, bony silicon body all over the place. She's an eveil, self-centered, self righteous bitch with no life an no career. But you all keep kissing her ass, and you soooooooooooo happy to hate Omarosa because she is actually black. If she was light or your white-girl defenition of "pretty" you wouldn't have a problem. She is a strong black woman who's not going to take any shit off of any body, not going to let and body get in her way becaus etheir lighter than her, and she is beautiful You all can cry and claim its not true, but you know Donald Trump was never going to let a black person win the apprentice, much less a BLACK WOMAN.
28 of 36 | Posted by C.A. really_pissed_off | Posted on October 7, 2005 11:08 AM
CA really pissed off:
Omarosa has lied and stirred the racist pot herself. She is no better than a "white" racist...Donald Trump is not going to hire someone interested in "celebrity", which is what Omarosa is all about...pretty, ugly don't matter!!!! You sound like you are "kissing her ass" if you want to hear the truth. I'll give you, she is strong, as in: overbearing, obnoxious, untrustworthy, fake, calculating, manipulating...and she fools you!
29 of 36 | Posted by C.J. not_at_all_pissed_off | Posted on October 9, 2005 4:55 PM
How could you all take Janice side. It is clear that she didn't know how to defend herself in a bitch to bitch fight. If you throw a low blow don't expect the other person to play nice. Her old wrinkle psychotic ass needed to be brought down to earth. Always saying" I was the first Supermodel" Who gives a damn. You are a walking toothpick, looking like a slinky on bones. Much love to Omarosa. Stay sexy.
30 of 36 | Posted by F*ck Janice | Posted on October 9, 2005 10:40 PM
I'm not surprised Omarosa's been stabbed numerous times before - her mouth will be the death of her....
31 of 36 | Posted by not_a_fan | Posted on October 10, 2005 10:56 AM
I think that Janice must have been on crack (or the likes) because her behavior is outragious. I do wonder How embarassed her kids must be to watch her. She is scrawny and just horrible to look at. I am white and very embarassed by her behavior. Thank God for Caprice. Omarosa is definitely the she-devil. I do love to hate her.
32 of 36 | Posted by first_supermodel_my_ass! | Posted on October 10, 2005 8:51 PM
Oma-Grossa is a horse faced, hideous, pig. Someone needs to tell to wear long pants and cover up her nasty legs. I wanted to puke looking at all the cellulite on her legs when she was wearing shorts on one of the episodes a few weeks ago.
Janice had me laughing so hard I was nearly pissing in my pants when she called Grossa "Mr. Ed on crack" ... that IS exactly what she looks like; Mr. Ed. She is so hideous - both inside and out.
She says "her fans like it when she's nasty". First off WHAT fans? Imaginary fans in her head? Second off ... by nasty, I guess that would mean nasty looking.
Oma-Grossa: your 15 mintues are long up. It's time to just go away. You are talentless otherwise, and of no use. "Unscripted Drama" - Give me a break phony, lying horse face.
You tortured poor Janice - who, despite her obvious emotional issues and instablity, DOES have fans AND is someone who, after many years of long, hard work in the modeling idustry has desevered the title of a "celebrity". You, on the other had, are not a celebrity -- you're nothing but a reality show wanna-be. She, and people like her, were around long before you, and will be around long after you're gone -- so now, please just beat it. No one can stand you.
If you ever actually did have these "fans" you speak of, you have lost them after the Surreal Life. Janice is the real-life kind of "bitch", "villian" that the public likes; not your phony, lying, poser ass.
I find it hard to believe that a publisher would want to publish some bs book of yours. If that were even remotely true, I'm sure they are re-thinking that now - it will sit on the shelves, never sell a copy, and be a huge financial drain!
33 of 36 | Posted by Mr.Ed_on_crack | Posted on October 10, 2005 9:19 PM
When Janice first came on the scene she was insulting people left and right. SHE started the fight with Omarosa. She made fun of everyone in the house while looking down her nose. All she talked about was how great she was and how bad everyone else was. She dished it out and she should have been able to take it. If she is not on crack she should not have gotten so upset. Words cannot hurt unless they are true.
34 of 36 | Posted by Wanda | Posted on October 11, 2005 12:11 AM
To C.A. (really pissed off)
I have to agree with you that most of these people are hating on Omarosa for the facts that you stated. However, I'm a very beautiful and educated BLACK woman. And the way this pseudo diva, educator, reality tv-villain is and has conducted herself is a shame. Contrary to what you think she is not beautiful by any cultures standards, whether that's inside or out. She thinks that she's smart but she's superficial and borderline dumb. The only reason Trump casted her in the first place was to let America laugh at African-American women. And to say, see this is all they have to offer. I'm a product of two historically black colleges and universities (Bachelors and Masters) and she's bringing back a stereotype that we are incompetent, which is so untrue. But you have been blinded by her ugly horse teeth, clown make-up, false so-called proper talk, and dark-skinned down-to-earth-diva who doesn't take any shit facade. Another thing, missy, I happened to be a beautiful light-complected black woman. But you seem to have a complex about color.
Wake up!!!!!!!!
35 of 36 | Posted by Kati | Posted on October 13, 2005 1:23 PM
Omarosa said what we were all thinking. Janice started with her by calling her a "whore" at the bowling alley (in addition to calling retarded people all kinds of names) and at the last dinner started with the Botox and knife jokes. I don't blame Omarosa. Janice uses the pedophile excuse when all else fails and as an excuse for her consistently wretched behavior. Interestingly though, despite Omarosa's upbringing (it wasn't roses even though she definitely exaggerates it) there are no excuses for her? Hmmm...do you wonder why? I don't. Black women get a harder time. Always. Look deeply inside of yourselves, if you are capable (and I suspect most of you are not) and ask yourselves why you hate an educated woman with a take-no-sh*t flair and love a clearly drug addled pervert with no filter on her mouth and is allowed to be nasty because she took pretty, white pictures in her youth.
You all have a lot of evolution to do--so called "liberals"
And yes, if you are wondering. I am white.
36 of 36 | Posted by Trish | Posted on October 17, 2005 1:47 PM