This latest incarnation of The Surreal Life has the house guests going through some interesting activities. While they aren't exactly at the level of The Apprentice or Amazing Race, the producers have kept it enjoyable and haven't asked too much of our little group of musicians. Unfortunately, when it came time to choose who was going to produce their first single, they chose perhaps the least talented musician in the house and one five years removed from any quest at the pop charts. As many of us watched the train wreck more formally called "Jordan Knight Attempts Producing a Hit Single" we all wondered just how badly it would sound. It turned out worse than almost anybody could have imagined, but it should be enough to keep any more Jordan Knight musical efforts away from human consumption for at least another five years.
On the last episode, we had a cliffhanger of Ryan Starr storming off to the bathroom. To her defense, Jordan was in the midst of making a horrible musical collaboration. He wasn't listening to anybody besides Flavor Flav and was producing a track that would have sounded old in 1999. The killer for Ryan, however, was the song was R&B, and she maintained that she was strictly a rock singer and that it felt like she was going through an American Idol experience all over again. For the most part, she is right. She is, after all, getting a lot more free publicity an exposure than she could have imagined to have received on her own. Still, Ryan thinks that singing on this track will ruin her career, when in fact it is her bitchy attitude and "I'm too hot for this" demeanor that is going to do her in.
Nevertheless, she is a talented vocalist and she was going to have to perform for this song to have any chance of sounding halfway decent. Brigitte Nielsen showed up at the bathroom door first, seemingly with the intent on talking Ryan out of there. She knocked a couple of times and was very sweet. Ryan, who was clearly trying to get some more attention focused on her after Jordan had soaked it up, kept the door locked and said she wasn't coming out. Then the sequence changed course and we learned that Brigitte really only wanted to pee. She them slammed on the door angrily, and was about to walk away when Ryan unlocked the door and let her in. While Ryan sobbed, Brigitte Nielsen told her to be strong and go out there and do it, presumably but not before letting Ryan know she had almost pissed herself. After that inspiring pep talk, Ryan left the bathroom and put on a brave face for the rest of the session.
If you remember from last time, the session was quite the mess. Jordan was pulling off a production only slightly more professional than my sixth grade choir's version of "Wind Beneath My Wings". I don't remember my choir teacher's name, but I knew she at least could spot the talented voices among us, and knew how to hide some of the lesser talented from making all of us look bad. It seems that Jordan takes the opposite approach, either intentionally or because he has no sense of harmony, melody, rhythm, tempo, etc. You name it, he's missing it, and it has nothing to do with the lack of being "classically trained". To make matters worse, he was on a time crunch, and had to get more pieces of the track laid down and figure out a way to incorporate everybody's talents.
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Comments (11)
The Surreal Life single could really benefit from a hook or a chorus. I feel badly for that technician.
1 of 11 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 18, 2004 11:07 AM
This was one of the funniest episodes yet. Charro's rant on Jordan (something to do with this whole thing belonging in the Salvation Army and "poopooopooopoo- the trumpet of Mr. Dave Goulier).
Jordan is so lame. Chalking up criticism for the worst song ever (and one that I feel like I've heard before with better lyrics) to woman drama, with a declaration that "I'm the producer!"...I have no words.
2 of 11 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on October 18, 2004 11:43 AM
The part where Flav was feeding the banana to Brigitte as she was coming out of her drunken/downer-induced coma was hysterical. I have to say though, that in some sick twisted way, their affinity for each other is touching. Strange almost to the point of scary, but touching. Poor Dave Coulier. He's doing a good job just keeping his sanity.
3 of 11 | Posted by Caroline | Posted on October 18, 2004 11:58 AM
YES - I loved that line "The trumpet of Mr. Dave Coulier". So overly formal for such a stupid thing.
4 of 11 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 18, 2004 12:03 PM
Is this single intentionally sampling "ABC" by the Jackson 5?
5 of 11 | Posted by Jenn | Posted on October 18, 2004 2:38 PM
this show is so twisted it is fantastic!
they need to get that chick jessica lynch on there. that supposed hero chick from the iraq war.
jack e. jett
6 of 11 | Posted by jack e. jett | Posted on October 18, 2004 4:03 PM
Thanks Jack. I needed that after the day I had. Jessica Lynch. That's funny stuff.
7 of 11 | Posted by Mike | Posted on October 18, 2004 4:29 PM
Ryan was beyond annoying with her rants against pop and R&B. I wonder what she would have done if by some great miracle she had actually won American Idol? She would have had to "sell out" big time, and would still be selling out if she wanted her career to continue beyond 15 minutes.
8 of 11 | Posted by Jen | Posted on October 19, 2004 7:32 AM
Ryan actually sounded better than I remember her souding on american idol, but after showing how hard she is to work with i'll be shocked if anybody contacts her with work. dave goullier on the other hand, people should go get him because he's got to be the most patient person on earth.
9 of 11 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on October 19, 2004 8:18 AM
I think the most talented one actually seems to be Flavor Flav. He plays like every instrument.
10 of 11 | Posted by b-side | Posted on October 19, 2004 8:41 AM
Caroline, I've actually heard (can't remember the source) that VH1 has decided to do a follow-up series with Flav and Brigitte, focusing on their relationship.
I'm guessing there will be a lot of morning-after coma-exiting fruit-feeding sequences. We can only pray.
11 of 11 | Posted by Ontario | Posted on October 22, 2004 12:02 PM