I'm conflicted. About midway through last season's Surreal Life I vowed never to watch the show again - having tasted my own bile too many times as a result of watching the vile media whoring of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson. Now, after my recapping duties superceded my better judgment, I'm thoroughly bored watching the most recent incarnation of the show. But you know what? I'll take "Bored" over "Disgusted with the entire human race" any day. So give me a sec - just putting on my rose-colored glasses... There we go.
The Los Angeles day dawned 68 degrees, smog-free, and beautiful. With bluebirds chirping and the smell of bacon and coffee wafting through the house, CC Deville jogged on the elliptical trainer, George Jefferson yawned, and Maven Huffman dropped in some eye drops. The scene was set - this was gonna be some exciting stuff!
The "Surreal Times" was delivered and CC read the news: Smashmouth (Or, "Schmayshmouht," as CC says it) has a new single coming out, 'The Story of my Life,' and the Surreal Lifers were going to direct and star in the video! Tawny Kitaen was to be the producer and would be responsible for the budget and time management. In her words, "This has been my dream forever!" Really, Tawny? Well, I guess when your claim to fame is writhing around on top of a car in a 15 year old video; directing a video in which you do the same is the next logical "dream" step.
Even more puzzling was Playboy model Andrea Lowell's response: "I'm a huge Smashmouth fan and to be in a Smashmouth video is a dream come true!" Really, Andrea? A huge Smashmouth fan? Can we assume she bought the 3 albums that came out after the one with "All-star" and "Walking on the Sun?" But, like Tawny, when your claim to fame is writhing around naked on video, being in a different video with at least some clothes on is the next logical "dream" step. (Rest assured, Andrea did get naked before the day was out though. Phew.)
Question: Why do bands make music videos anymore? Where are they even aired? That conundrum was lost on the housemates though, as Steve Harwell fired up the Radioshack store brand portable CD player (with stereophonic sound no less!) and everyone danced to the new song. Tawny effused, "The new Smashmouth single - number one with a bullet, I guarantee you!" No need for my usual paragraph-ending joke... I think Tawny just made it for me.
As Tawny did her tawdry dance, Sherman grooved along silently in his Santino-Special tee shirt. This dude was on a hit sitcom and he's wearing what I have only seen being sold to trailer trash in Wal-Mart bargain bins. Oh celestial new age wolf baying at the moon, how can anyone deny your charm? And how could Tawny deny Steve's request that she slink around on a car, reprising her famous video role of yore? The answer: She couldn't. Let's just hope it's a Hummer this time, or better yet a M3A3 Bradley Fighting Vehicle System, considering her recently acquired girth.
Of course show "therapist" Florence Henderson would have to be in the video, so Steve rang her up and laid out the plan: Carol Brady in a dominatrix outfit! What a great idea! (Have her slathering up Sherman with Wesson oil and you'd have a hit on your hands.) Mrs. Brady? "No!" What a prude - oh well, nothing a little cursed Tiki Idol couldn't fix, right? And what better place to find one that at the giant prop store in Hollywood?
So, armed with $1500 that's exactly where the gang drove to in search of outfits and items for the video shoot. But "No" seemed to be the word of the day as every suggestion the others came up with, producer Tawny responded with emphatic, "No's." Like when Andrea picked up a formaldehyde jar and asked, "What about something like this, a fetus?" Because when one thinks of the fun-lovin' Smashmouth guys, one's first thought is of abortions? Oh you Playboy models, always ahead of the curve.
After a succession of scenes that reminded EdHill of drunken college bar nights (a chunky woman saying, "No, no, no, no, no"), Mrs. Brady showed up to help the gang out. Clueless Tawny said to Carol, "You are the dominatrix so let's find you some leather." Ummm, what's the word Mrs. Brady was looking for here... Um... "No!" Gosh, now I was having flashbacks to drunken college nights - an attractive mature woman telling a chunky woman "no" when I bring up the subject of S&M. Sigh. The good old days.
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Comments (17)
sg-dub, I also love "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Hopefully more people will start watching so it won't meet the same fate as "Arrested Development."
This season of Surreal Life seriously confuses me. I have NEVER even seen/heard of many of the cast. Has that chick done anything other than Playboy and how does that make her a "celebrity?" I'm not an avid reader of Playboy, but don't they have like 10+ naked chicks in every issue??? Wendy the Snapple lady is like a bazillion times more famous than her. Was she busy with Celebrity Fat Club 12 or something???
1 of 17 | Posted by LRo9
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Posted on March 27, 2006 4:08 PM
Obviously the Surreal Life has exhausted the market of b list celebrities. Oh well. Who really gives a shit about this show. Nice recap sg-dug. You got talent.
2 of 17 | Posted by The Svan
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Posted on March 27, 2006 5:39 PM
I don't know why I get sucked into this show every season. Great recap sg-dub! However, I find Alexis Arquette to be some much needed comic relief in a house where everyone seems to think they are greater than they really are (Does anyone remember a band called POISON!) I also think that Steve Harwell is going to put the moves on CC before the end of the show, as he waxes poetically about him every chance he gets.
3 of 17 | Posted by stella
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Posted on March 27, 2006 5:47 PM
Is "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" actually still on? I love that show.
While I logically know "The Surreal Life" is a terrible show, I can't help watching it. Just like a train wreck.
4 of 17 | Posted by ATCmurph
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Posted on March 27, 2006 5:48 PM
sg-dub is right about one thing. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is a great show. I'm glad he turned me onto it. I hear they are filming season 2 now.
CC Deville looking forlornly at the alcohol was both sad and funny. Why did they have him on the show? You need to ahve them on surreal life BEFORE rehab, not after. now hes just boring.
Sherman Helmsley and the wreestler dude are complete wastes of space. total borefests. weezy would be more entertaining and shes been dead for 2 years.
youre right about the tranny. Starved for attention because its so talentless.
Tawny kitaen on that car was depressing. it was like the Lucas AFI achenevemtn secial where they had harrison ford, carrie fisher and mark hamill onstage in the same pose as the finale of star wars. Only han solo is 62, carrie fisher is 62, and luke sywalkers face is more pockmarked than the death star.
that playboy girl is not hot. I means, shes Hartford CT hot, but Playboy? Not even close.
So tanwy is "too classy" to go skinny dipping? Either she has a fantasticly ironic sense of humor, or shes a goddamn retard. And my money is on the latter. Methinks the only reason she doesnt skinny dip is she has the body of a frumpy 40 year old ex junkie. For taht at elast, I am thankful.
5 of 17 | Posted by EdHill
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Posted on March 27, 2006 8:15 PM
Oh, EdHill, how naive are you? Do you honestly think any woman who appears in Playboy looks that good in real life? Come on, dude, it's called makeup, lighting, airbrushing- not to mention what computers can do.
Stella, I agree with you about Alexis. And I've seen him/her act and he/she has as much talent as anybody in the Arquette family. Which I do realize is not saying much but come on... And let's face it anybody who appears on this show is attention starved.
So let's all sit back and enjoy watching the train wreck and just thank God we are not living it.
6 of 17 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on March 27, 2006 11:44 PM
What's funny about Tawny calling the playboy girl a slut for jumping in the pool naked, is that if you saw the preview for the upcoming season, Tawny appears to have some sort of breakdown and they show her flashing her boobs and jumping in the pool naked. Now that's attention starved!
7 of 17 | Posted by stella
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Posted on March 28, 2006 4:49 AM
Tawny in that nun habit was really frightening. Her face has become so grotesque and mishapen that wearing anything that features it is a ghastly mistake.
8 of 17 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on March 28, 2006 4:57 AM
tawny put herself front and center in every shot, I kept thinking, please someone pay her some attention. Oh I hope Flo kicks her ass after the talk show
"Do you remember a band called POISON?" um, yeah, but I don't remember you in it.
great recap, thanks
9 of 17 | Posted by hardly@work
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Posted on March 28, 2006 6:51 AM
TAWNY.....get thee to Celebrity Fit Club! NOW!!!
So sad, someone should have told her not to get on that car.
10 of 17 | Posted by lynturn
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Posted on March 28, 2006 7:02 AM
EdHill, you read my mind...this girl was in Playboy? Really? Cause they sure make it seem more selective than that on MTV's True Life.
Man, Carol Brady has NO sense of humor! Why even bother coming on the Surreal Life? And why am I putting any thought into this?
11 of 17 | Posted by BSL
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Posted on March 28, 2006 7:11 AM
As tiring as it was to listen to Florence implode about the nun outfit, it was even more pathetic for Tawny to think that wearing pink fishnets with a habit is the apex of "outrageous" and "daring." Snore. She and Alexis should live in the same room, where they can "shock" each other in private.
I wonder how Florence can be a therapist with her blind reverence for nuns -- haven't they fucked up more people's lives than anyone, except maybe priests? Does she just tell a patient to leave if their issues are in any way connected to the church?
12 of 17 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on March 28, 2006 7:14 AM
Watching Alexis do a lap dance was like watching Baby Jane Hudson do one.
13 of 17 | Posted by holyterror
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Posted on March 28, 2006 7:43 AM
This episode was such a freaking yawn. I can't even blame Sherman Hemsley for napping or keeping his ass off screen.
14 of 17 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on March 28, 2006 7:58 AM
sg-dub - you forgot to mention the fact that Alexis sucked the whipped cream off of Maven and then said something to the affect: "your career is ruined" - I couldn't believe Maven allowed that - that was WAY beyond the lap dance.
As for the comment about Poison, um, yeah, I do remember them. Fondly, actually. And considering they've done two successful summer tours in the last few years, I'd venture to guess a LOT of people remember them. And I know that the LA music scene happens to have a lot of fondness for CC - so I hope this show doesn't cause him to relapse.
And will someone PLEASE slap the hell out of Tawny??? First of all, I never thought she was great in the 80s - and the years (read: all that plastic surgery) have been hard on her. When they showed that final cut of the video, she was in it more than I even thought she would be. DISGUSTING! Who in the heck chose her to be in charge??? ICK!!!
15 of 17 | Posted by livemusicjunkie
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Posted on March 28, 2006 8:46 AM
The do you remember a band called Poison comment was in reference to CC introducing himself to Andrea. I was not making fun of the band. I absolutely love Poison.
16 of 17 | Posted by stella
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Posted on March 28, 2006 9:05 AM
oh - sorry stella...I misunderstood. :-)
17 of 17 | Posted by livemusicjunkie
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Posted on March 28, 2006 11:26 AM