I paid a little more attention to the creepy opening montage this week and noticed that the Jose Canseco caricature is standing next to a "Juice stand" and drinking "juice." Now that's funny...touché Surreal Life opening montage-maker! The show began bright and early with Janice getting her hair and make-up done by her "two little lesbians" as she calls them. Yes, Janice forced the producers to allow her two miracle workers to work on her every day. Why "miracle workers?" Because they somehow make that old crow look human every day, that’s why. Even though the house has its very own make-up room for Janice, she insists on using the communal bathroom. This causes much friction, as Janice's entourage takes up the whole room. At one point, Omarosa was applying some mousse and the bottle made a loud noise. Apparently, Janice is terrified of mousse bottles as she overreacted ridiculously - physically recoiling as though a real moose had just appeared from behind the door. "I thought that noise was coming out of her ass," she warbled. Disregarding her idiocy (as we're now becoming used to it), who knew you had to use mousse on a weave?
The "Surreal Times" arrived with the news not being so good for the more modest among the gang. They would be performing a burlesque show in front of a live crowd. "No! No! No! No!" Balki started screaming in horror. "No! No! No! No!" America started screaming in complete agreement. Although I have to admit - I'd have loved to have seen the distinct hoof-patterned scars on his upper thighs and lower abdomen as a result of his years of sheep fu--- uh, let's just say "sheepskin rug" has a whole different meaning to Balki. Just as I was about to change the channel to avoid seeing his grotesque body, we learned that Balki would be the emcee. Phew.
Jose, Caprice, and Janice would comprise "America the Bootyfull" and Pepa, Carey, and Omarosa would strip as "The Westward Ho's." Like you, I had forgotten who Carey was or why he was on the show. He's Pink's boyfriend and a professional motocross badboy who looks like 12 prisoners held him down and used him as a practice template for homemade prison tattoos. Jose was to play George Washington - or should I say, Dr. Frank N Furter Washington. I'm not sure when it was decided that our country's first president wore garters, lipstick, and panties, but whatever.
Kitten Demillo showed up to teach the Lifers the "art" of burlesque. I've learned that "burlesque" is what old hags do whereas "stripping" is what young sluts do. Me-likey the stripping a whole lot better. Janice Dickinson (World's First Supermodel), however, likes neither. "I'm reticent about burlesque because I'm a parent." I hate the World's First Supermodel more and more every week. She can call Down's Syndrome kids "retard" to their face, she can flirt by showing her moonscaped ass left and right, she can write books in which she happily discusses banging every guy under the sun and doing every drug ever invented - but she can't get in a bikini for 3 seconds on a VH1 show. Riiiight. How about the fact that she's had so much plastic surgery that her chest probably has a gaping hole through which we could see her cold black heart - and she's just a tad bit touchy about that.
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Comments (20)
Janice Dickenson is The Crypt-Keeper in drag.
1 of 20 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 26, 2005 1:01 AM
I bet Omarossa is pissed at JAnice because shes stealing her thunder. We all know the "bitchy" Omarossa is all an act for screentime, so shes gotta be funning the the "Omarossa show" has turned into the "Janice Show".
Im not sure why they even bothered to blur out omrarossa titties. they were virtually non existant. I bet hte "blur guy" didnt know where to even put it.
We should start a pool as to what drugs JAnice is on. THen when she gets busted and gets sent to rehad for abusing drug "X" we can divvy the winnings. Shes no Chyna though.
ANd I enjoy how every season the producers make them do some stupid event, be it a "Kung fu movie" or a concert, or a strip show, and hte celebrities take it so seriously. As if the finished product is going to be used for anyhting. Its akin to the "job" they give the real worlders. THey are just excuses to get the people together working on something and create conflict. THE finsihed prouct is irrelevant. But tehy dont get it. SO there we have Jose canseco and Caprice actually worrying aout their routine in a burlesque show, or the go gos guitarist taking her "directors" duties to seriosly, or and this was the best, Corey Feldman practicing his one true love. Music man.
2 of 20 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 26, 2005 6:01 AM
I see why Janice was kicked off ANTM, bitch is psycho.
Jose is hot, if you cover his face. You can bounce a quarter off that azz of his.
3 of 20 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on July 26, 2005 6:06 AM
Yeah, but whats with Joses freaky birthmark covering his entire right hand? taht thing is freaky.
4 of 20 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 26, 2005 8:05 AM
Y'know, I expect your "typical" reality show contestant to SIGN ON FOR MORE and do all of this pathetic shows they can.....but weren't the Apprentice people "supposed" to have brains???
5 of 20 | Posted by ellen | Posted on July 26, 2005 8:11 AM
ellen makes a very good point. it makes sense that washed up celebs would be on the show & reality stars who are still trying to expand their 15 mins, but the exception should be the apprentice contestants because they are supposed to be on the one reality show where you're supposed to be smart. it's a good thing the donald let omarosa go because apparently whatever career she had before she stepped onto reality tv wasn't as good as being "the reality tv bitch"
6 of 20 | Posted by lia | Posted on July 26, 2005 9:43 AM
I started watching this show dreading what a nightmare Omarosa would be, but Janice has really trumped her in the superbitch department.
Janice actually makes Omarosa look halfway nice.
And why on earth does she call herself a supermodel? I'm 32 and before Top Model I never even heard of this plastic bitch in my life.
I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my drink when she said papers all over the world would be writing about how she stripped. She obviously thinks she's a lot more famous than she actually is.
7 of 20 | Posted by reality TV girl | Posted on July 26, 2005 11:53 AM
I have to disagree that the 'miracle workers' make that withered old hag look even close to human. The first time I saw her, I thought that she was a drag queen...
8 of 20 | Posted by dumbanddumber | Posted on July 26, 2005 1:09 PM
POOR THING!!! Just pity her. She's barely hanging on. And then she had a second chance on THE MODEL SHOW, and blew it because it went to her artificially resculpted plastic head.
9 of 20 | Posted by ellen | Posted on July 26, 2005 1:11 PM
Janice Dickinson is ridiculous. She's a nasty cunt that needs to be gangbanged by a group of HIV convicts. I can't stand that selfish hag.
10 of 20 | Posted by Luda-Juan-Lita | Posted on July 26, 2005 1:47 PM
I'll remember to stay on your good side.
11 of 20 | Posted by ellen | Posted on July 26, 2005 2:57 PM
I keep wondering why America's Most Hate Supermodel made mention of a 12 step group when she entered the house, yet she is drunk every episode so far.
Tyra Banks, we understand now. You don't need to say anything. Too effin funny that she won't "strip" for the show, but will get loaded and act like an ass every night. I'm sure that will spare her kids alot of grief.
12 of 20 | Posted by Janice Half in the Bag | Posted on July 26, 2005 3:49 PM
Janice Banged Jon Lovitz for chist's sake!!! who does she think she is?
13 of 20 | Posted by cat | Posted on July 26, 2005 6:36 PM
I too have never heard of Janice until america's next. And I'm 33.
14 of 20 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 26, 2005 8:17 PM
I wish there had been a camera crew at this one high school football game in my small town last year, when we had the great misfortune of being "graced" by the presence of America's Drunkest Washed Up Model. She was totally shit-faced and standing on the sidelines cheering for the visitors, her son's team, with a long line of profanities. Every time she dropped the F-bomb or told her team to kill someone from our's everyone looked like they wanted to shoot her with a tranquilizer dart. It was hilarious. Feel bad for her kid, though.
15 of 20 | Posted by dabney | Posted on July 26, 2005 9:07 PM
Most of you young kids have never heard of the first supermodel, Janice, because she modeled in the 50's. She was frozen after she died in 1967 from a drug overdose. Back in 2000, scientists from around the globe thawed her out, and injected her with the ghosts of Liberace and Bette Davis. DUH people..Do some research already.
16 of 20 | Posted by Trixie | Posted on July 27, 2005 9:17 AM
I was just flipping through channels and saw a Carey aka Pink's bitch on another reality show on A&E called Inked. Is this some sort of first where a person is camera whoring on 2 reality shows airing at once?
17 of 20 | Posted by tracey | Posted on July 27, 2005 7:50 PM
I remember Janice, actually. But not for being a model. I remember her for being a real-life soap opera vixen wannabe. What I mean by this is that Sylvestor Stallone cheated on his then girlfriend (now wife), Jennifer Flavin, with Angie. Apparently, Angie claimed she was pregnant by the Rocky dude (this is the son she now talks about - wonder if he knows this tabloid trash), so he dumped Jennifer (via FedEx) to be with Angie only to find out that the child wasn't his. Now, he and Jennifer are "happliy" married with two children many years later, but I sure can't figure out why she took him back in the first place - and I like him.
18 of 20 | Posted by Christy | Posted on July 28, 2005 12:25 PM
Christy-
Huh?
Who's Angie? Do you mean Janice?
19 of 20 | Posted by I'm not following | Posted on July 28, 2005 1:23 PM
Yea... That made alot of sense Christy. But what does that have to do with Janice?
20 of 20 | Posted by bacardi | Posted on July 29, 2005 10:57 PM