I love it. I mention it every week and it seems the Surreal Life editors play it up more and more each successive episode. What is "It?" "It" is the opening "Yawntage" seen every week to open the show. Now that we can say with confidence that this season is by far the most uneventful and lackluster, we can also say the editors definitely agree. I mean, if they felt otherwise, would they have shown us a full minute the housemates yawning, stretching, and rubbing their eyes? And keep in mind that "A full minute" constitutes 18% of each episode.
[Note to the show's editors: Please don't take that last sentence as a complaint - believe me, we like it that way. It's like, we all enjoy Hershey Kisses, right? Small, sweet, and easily digested. But those huge 1 pound novelty kisses our annoying white trash relatives give us when they make the trek to Amish Country and Hershey Park? Everyone hates them and no one can actually eat them. In other words, keep the episodes short and sweet, please.]
And so it was, with all the yawning and sleeping, I was drifting before the show even got going and then...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! What was THAT?! "The Surreal Life" got bloody horrorshow on us with a quick trip to the Tranny Lagoon. I've ruffled some reader's feathers by 
continuing to call Alexis Arquette a "he" simply because he's a guy with a penis - call me crazy. But now I defy you, dear Alexis apologists, to look at the picture below and find one feminine quality about it. Guys, sear this image into your brain so the next time you're with your girl, you can hold out longer - if not indefinitely. TVgasm - the blog that cares.
Alexis was discussing the previous day's talk show debacle with Tawny; "Carol Brady is a national treasure," he said. I did hear a rumor that she was slated to be chiseled next to George Washington up on Mount Rushmore, but June Cleaver was causing a stink. Tawny was feeling quite upset about the audience reaction to her downright evil gonzo Mrs. Brady interview. So down, in fact, that she shoveled a handful of unidentified pills into her mouth as she went to sleep the night before, perhaps to forget about her misdeeds. Awwww, poor Tawny.
The Surreal Times was delivered and CC retrieved it. What wacky activity would the gang be challenged with today? "Talk Dirty to Me" the headline screamed - yeah right, this crew? They are as sexy as a pile of socks. Oh wait, apparently that's the title of an old Poison song from back in the day. CC, as you'll recall, was the guitarist in that truly awful band - and he was (of course) nervous and needed a drink because this was his sooooooong, maaaan - so the onus was on him. When a recovering alcoholic mentions having a drink at the drop of a hat, how long can he last?
The Surreal Six would have to form a band and perform that song in front of a crowd. Not only that, there would be competition from an as-of-yet unnamed band; the winner gets $5000. Should they win, the Surrealers would donate their money to charity, of course. (Which is funny, because I don't think any of them are particularly well off these days, except for maybe Tawny from her two divorce settlements.) I immediately began hoping that their challengers would be mentally challenged kids and that Tawny would call them insensitive names. (A must read, if you don't know why I said that.)
The instructions said that Tawny would be in charge as band manager - because she did so well on the Smashmouth video shoot? Because her professionalism was unmatched on her talk show just the day before? Nope, because she's a coked out bitch and the producers are desperate for fireworks this season. Not that I'm complaining.
As part of the act, each Surrealer would play the part of a hair band rocker - and some would even play instruments. The fact that CC is the only one in the house with an ounce of musical ability didn't seem to dissuade them from being excited. (Oh yeah, they probably were thinking they'd be up against a bunch of retarded kids. Or maybe that was just me.)
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Comments (8)
The surreal life this season is so amazing...Tawny Kataen is a damn idiot fool and is clearly on drugs most of the time. Alexis Arquette is the best TV ever ... she dresses and acts like a woman execpt when she goes into roid rage and trashes everything .. amazing
http://flipkicksandnightbellows.blogspot.com
1 of 8 | Posted by flipkicks
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Posted on May 4, 2006 6:54 AM
What the hell kind of life did CC have before this show if just about every day in the house so far has been one of his "best days ever" ??
2 of 8 | Posted by Shoe-In
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Posted on May 4, 2006 7:49 AM
Amen, finally some coke fueled rages. Enough of this rehab bullshit.
I cant wait for the Tawny interview where she insists she just had too much benadryl.
3 of 8 | Posted by EdHill
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Posted on May 4, 2006 9:51 AM
I can't wait for the Dirty Laundry show. Someone better put Tawny on the spot about that drug use. I can't believe I still watch this season. I can't stop myself.
-sg-dub; I tried really hard to erase the image of the half-naked, leather clad Alexis from my mind. Thanks for further brain damage. :)
4 of 8 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on May 4, 2006 10:21 AM
I'm sick of Florence Henderson and her damn "I'm just so much better than everyone else" attitude.So you played Mrs. Brady a thousand years ago GET THE F*** OVER YOURSELF!
5 of 8 | Posted by Brian
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Posted on May 4, 2006 2:43 PM
I don't think she acts better than anyone at all. I think she's older and more conservative and becomes "motherly" with them. She's not mean. She's concerned. There's nothing wrong w/that. Andrea said it hersel, that Florence acts like her mother. You may not like that, but she's not mean. There's a difference. I think more people in "hollywood" should be concerned with the outlandish behavior that goes on and stop worrying about being "PC".
6 of 8 | Posted by livemusicjunkie
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Posted on May 5, 2006 9:27 AM
I have to mention this sg-dub: I have seen many women in my life who have no feminine qualities unless they're wearing makeup and have their hair done. Felicity Huffman is an easy example but there are others. It was also a bit rude to say only CC has musical abilites. Smash Mouth may not be the greatest band in the world but they aren't the worst either. That being said, it was still a good recap. I doubt you and I will agree on much this season but you are amusing.
7 of 8 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on May 5, 2006 8:46 PM
Oh, and livemusicjunkie, I agree with you about Flo.
8 of 8 | Posted by zevonia
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Posted on May 5, 2006 8:47 PM