AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! What was THAT?! "The Surreal Life" got bloody horrorshow on us with a quick trip to the Tranny Lagoon. I've ruffled some reader's feathers by continuing to call Alexis Arquette a "he" simply because he's a guy with a penis - call me crazy. But now I defy you, dear Alexis apologists, to look at the picture below and find one feminine quality about it. Guys, sear this image into your brain so the next time you're with your girl, you can hold out longer - if not indefinitely. TVgasm - the blog that cares.

Alexis was discussing the previous day's talk show debacle with Tawny; "Carol Brady is a national treasure," he said. I did hear a rumor that she was slated to be chiseled next to George Washington up on Mount Rushmore, but June Cleaver was causing a stink. Tawny was feeling quite upset about the audience reaction to her downright evil gonzo Mrs. Brady interview. So down, in fact, that she shoveled a handful of unidentified pills into her mouth as she went to sleep the night before, perhaps to forget about her misdeeds. Awwww, poor Tawny.

The Surreal Times was delivered and CC retrieved it. What wacky activity would the gang be challenged with today? "Talk Dirty to Me" the headline screamed - yeah right, this crew? They are as sexy as a pile of socks. Oh wait, apparently that's the title of an old Poison song from back in the day. CC, as you'll recall, was the guitarist in that truly awful band - and he was (of course) nervous and needed a drink because this was his sooooooong, maaaan - so the onus was on him. When a recovering alcoholic mentions having a drink at the drop of a hat, how long can he last?