"Scree! Scree! Scree! Scree!" - 
by sg-dub
The title is my onomatopoetic attempt at the famous violin screeching from shower scene in "Psycho." My use of the word "onomatopoetic" is my attempt at pretending I'm smart. My watching The Surreal Life is the proof against me when I pretend I'm smart. This week, the show was titled "The Knife Incident," which we all knew was the one that got all the press before the season aired. Because, apparently, knife-wielding wenches are funny and exciting. In truth, it was disturbing and strange.
The entire episode, which Surreal Life viewers know only really amounts to about 15 minutes of new footage, was more or less a "Battle of the Bitches" in which Omarosa and Janice Dickenson verbally duked it out - no holds barred. Before the hours-long main event, Janice had another little dust-up with everyone's favorite pervert, Balki. This came after Balki declared Caprice "Like Our Lady of Fatima - virginal yet at the same time, accessible." Now, I'm not Catholic so I'll let others comment on the veracity of that comment. But when I hear the words "Our Lady of" before a woman's name, "accessible" certainly doesn't come to mind. With sex still on the brain, Balki randomly asked Janice, "how many truckers did you sleep with yesterday?" referring to her drive from Las Vegas to LA. Hoo boy, that didn't go over with The World's First Supermodel too well.
While Janice hemmed and hawed about Balki's offensive question, we were treated to a flashback vignette of Janice from the day before telling the camera, "I'm going to a truck stop to f**k a trucker." I didn't do a Zapruder analysis on the tape, but I think she might have said, "To f**k with a trucker," which is actually funny when you realize that if she did indeed say "with," then VH1 is totally submarining her - which no one in the world would have a problem with at all. Back in the present time (VH1 now employs the black and white look for flashbacks, a la Big Brother), Balki and Janice were arguing. Balki, to his credit, said, "Stop performing, Janice. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Get back on your broomstick and go back to Oz." Totally weak insult, but the sentiment was refreshing. Everyone was finally completely fed up with Janice's shtick and was no longer afraid to tell her so. And gee, what a perfect day to "get honest." It was "press day," which meant lots of cameras, interviews, and posed photos.
The simmering tension boiled over from Balki to Omarosa at this point, as she didn't let Janice near her things in the bathroom for no reason other than not liking her. Then the oddest thing happened... Janice's son, Nathan Fields, showed up at the door and pretended that he loved his mom. Janice introduced Balki as "Bronson Pinchet" just to be annoying, and then proceeded to put gaffer's tape on his teeth in a picture. Even her 13-year-old son found that just a tad bit immature. I have no idea why this kid showed up or if he could even speak, but he was gone before we knew it. Poor kid. It must be tough knowing that half of your genetic makeup came from Janice. His only hope, and it's a slim one, is that his dad happened to be Jesus Christ so he could be at least a shred of dignity. Although word is even Mr. Christ found Janice to be "beyondeth hope."
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