As a fan since day one, (Ah Corey Feldman, be still my beating heart) I've come to expect insanely ridiculous premiere episodes of The Surreal Life. Just a few days after coming down from the high I got from my Chenema and Big Brother 6's premiere, VH1 got me right back up again with the cornerstone of its reality lineup. Due to other commitments, I'll have to ignore VH1's other two “CelebReality” premieres last night - Celebrity Fit Club and Hogan Knows Best. And by "commitments" I mean, "I'd rather blind myself by slowly sublimating my viscous eye-meat milligram by milligram with a drop of 98% sulphuric acid every 30 seconds until I'm left with two empty dripping sockets than watch the Hulkster's reality series." Sorry, I was always a Ric Flair fan - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[*Malki is not a real word, but could be a new short form of "malcontent." Actually, "Balki" and "Alky" aren't real words either but you know what they mean in this context. So there.]
So who would be stylin' and profilin' in the Surreal House this time around? Who could possibly live up to the drunken peeing antics of Mini-Me? Who could we pin our hopes on to be a drug-addled Amazon freakshow like Chyna or Brigitte Neilson? Whose unresolved anger issues would get the best of them this go-round like Vanilla Ice? Whose unchecked and undeserved ego would come to the fore like Jordan Knight? After previous series appearances from Mini-Me, Emmanuel Lewis, and a cameo by Gary Coleman, who would this season's freakish midget be? How much fatter can Sally Jesse Rafael get before her season finale appearance?
In due time, my friends. Let's meet the cast... The first to arrive was none other than Balki Bartokomous. I absolutely hated "Perfect Strangers" and could never wrap my head around the fact that that show was a top ten hit for ABC. (I never saw his more recent sitcom, “Meego,” but something tells me it was equally horrible.) Even in my youth, I knew that I shit funnier than that show. Therefore, despite his great character in "True Romance," I have deep seeded disdain for the actor Bronson Pinchot as well. Andy Dick was there to welcome each arrival and he appeared to dislike Pinchot as well, pronouncing the “chot” in his name Schott in Marge Schott. Quickly proving that his Balki character was a stretch for him, he angrily recounted his life of welfare and an absentee jailed father. We got our first look at the house and for some reason it was done up like a Circus. Balki hates circuses. He really, really hates circuses. And, it appears, exercise and tissues.
Also riding the reality train was the next guest, Janice Dickinson. I recall hearing rumors that Tyra Banks was pissed at Adrianne Curry for doing the show last season, as it gave the impression that "America's Next Top Model" wasn't quite, um, even America's Next Walmart Ad Model. So maybe this is why Janice is being replaced on that show as well...She arrived full of piss and vinegar, once again bludgeoned us with her "world's first supermodel" claim, and gave us her litany of past indiscretions. She's tall and she's a former drug addict, so maybe she's this season's Chyna/Brigitte. One can hope.
Just then, a Caprice appeared out in the driveway. It had a lovely set of headlights and a well-kept rear end. Vroom-Vroom! But this was no car...it was "International Model" (from California) Caprice. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either but then again, I don't read Maxim, in which she's apparently HUGE. Three-time international model (from California) of the year! Or something. She didn't really have much to say about anything but instead of me explaining her vapidness, I'll let Balki do the honors: "She's like a Barbie doll with a hinge thing and no vagina. And then someone sucked the soul out of her." Oh Balki, don't be reedickyewlus!
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Comments (27)
This show is so far, a bore. The fact that anyone gives a convicted wife batterer the star treatment is why the crazy arab terrorist refer to us as infidels. Janice Dickenson is a hideous mess. I've seen better faces on iodine bottles. Omarosa needs to go back to her hood and leave America alone. I hate Bronson Pinchot ever since I saw him in 1) Perfect Strangers 2) the crazy guy in the movie The Langoliers 3) the gay guy in Beverly Hills Cop. Caprice who? She isnt even that good looking. She looks like she is 40. Okay she is pretty for 40. Pepa and Cary seem nice, but they seem rather boring. I'd rather watch Peter Brady and his washboard abs.
1 of 27 | Posted by Trixie | Posted on July 12, 2005 7:27 AM
Are you nuts Trixie? This will be one of the best shows on tv this year.
2 of 27 | Posted by Whaaaaa | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:09 AM
The Arab terrorists all beat their wives -- in fact, they take pride in it. That's NOT why they hate us. Oh, and they call us infidels because we are not Muslims.
3 of 27 | Posted by BigMax | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:12 AM
To Whaaa and BigMax: Hopefully, this show will gain momentum. So far, its the Omarosa show, and I cant stand this woman. However, I will STILL watch each week. To BigMax..I didnt mean that the crazy arab terrorists call us infidels because of wife beaters. We all know how they treat their women! I was merely intimating that our society is so perverted, that we let idiots like Jose Canseco appear on TV and become stars, albeit, D-List. I didnt mean to sound so political. Sorry if I confused anyone.
4 of 27 | Posted by Trixie | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:29 AM
Talk about a mindfuck: I was bouncing between watching this and History Channel's "Secrets of Interrogation" on Sunday night. (P.S. Why does VH1 play the Hogans and Fit Club shows at noon on Sunday but then advertise the premiere of the show that night at 10??? I saw all my Sunday evening television by 1PM on Sunday afternoon! boooo!)
Anyway, I didn't think it was the Omarosa hour at all. I think it was the Balkie and Janice hour. And the "look at Jose's huge crotch" hour. And the "who is this blonde chick??" hour. I think it's just another glorious trainwreck of entertainment that I won't be able to stay away from!
And ew, I'm just so glad you pointed out Balkie's Boogies (sounds like a band name, don't it?). As if his schlumpy, balding, sniveling, "I'm gonna tap that ass" comments about all the women weren't disgusting enough!
5 of 27 | Posted by Jess | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:33 AM
"much more brighter than Donald Trump."
Except maybe in the grammar department.
Im so sick of her milking her moment as the "bad girl". its all so obviously phony. I did enjoy watching her eat live worms on fear factor though.
6 of 27 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:47 AM
THis just proves that the "Amazing Race: Retarded Edition" is that much closer to a reality.
7 of 27 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 12, 2005 8:56 AM
You just wait people. This is going to get good. I think Carey is the one to watch for some unexpected angry outbursts. Pink told Stern that she holds out six to seven months before giving up the booty. He is pissed!
8 of 27 | Posted by Caroline | Posted on July 12, 2005 9:37 AM
Great recap sg-dub. So when do we get to see a blurred out photo of you?
9 of 27 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on July 12, 2005 9:41 AM
I got sucked in as usual, but I'm finding Omarosa, Janice, Balki and Canseco so repulsive to watch.
The casts from seasons prior were way better in my opinion. I miss crazy Chyna, Mini-me, Corey Feldman, Trashelle, Vanilla Ice, Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. They had lotsa crazy to go around but weren't just completely toxic.
And for god sakes, when is Omarosa's 15 minutes going to be up??? I'd rather see ANY Apprentice contestant on this show than her. How about sleeping Sam or cooter showing Ivana? Omarosa just makes me want to vomit.
I read an interview with Janice saying she doesn't drink at all anymore... yeah right alkie. She was clearly trashed at dinner and while throwing her temper tantrum.
I'd freak out if that nasty pile of lard Balki rubbed up on me too though. He's naaaasty.
10 of 27 | Posted by Amanda | Posted on July 12, 2005 9:51 AM
Don't worry, if you missed this ep. of the Surreal Life, VH-1 will rerun it 1000000000 times again over the course of 3 years.
Now only if I could catch Best Week Ever at their designated times.
11 of 27 | Posted by British | Posted on July 12, 2005 10:28 AM
"CHENEMA!"
best. word. ever. you win at the net.
12 of 27 | Posted by Stefanie | Posted on July 12, 2005 11:23 AM
sg-dub, while your recap is interesting, one of the reason I like tvgasm and b-side and j-unit's commentary is that they can be funny without using profanity. Can you ease up on the salty language? My daughter reads these recaps.
13 of 27 | Posted by tuliplovr | Posted on July 12, 2005 12:22 PM
Trixie -- sorry. I try to be both anti-terrorist and anti-wifebeater whenever possible. Jose Canseco on television is definitely a sign of a possible cultural collapse!!
14 of 27 | Posted by BigMax | Posted on July 12, 2005 12:33 PM
Sg-dub, as for your saltiness, perhaps instead of writing "shit" you can write "poopies". And intead of "bitch", how bout just put in a harmless made up word like, i dont know, how about "bukake".
15 of 27 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 12, 2005 12:56 PM
tuliplovr, you are worried about a little profanity on a site called tvGASM but you let your daughter watch the Surreal life?
16 of 27 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on July 12, 2005 1:13 PM
sure chyna was a drugged out self destructive spectacle, at least she slurred her words enough so that we could never actually hear a swear word.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unlock the "bang a hooker doggie style" mini game from my copy of GTA San Andreas.
17 of 27 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 12, 2005 1:21 PM
tuliplovr -
we here at TVgasm take reader response very seriously so in an effort to tone down my recaps, I'll be referring to Andy Dick now on as Andy Phallus. My sincerest apologies to you and your daughter.
runswithscissors -
rumor has it that B-Side and I will be meeting this evening at an undisclosed Connecticut location to discuss business matters (ie, having a beer or two). Perhaps he'll have his super special cell phone on him (the one that automatically blurs out faces). One can only hope.
18 of 27 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on July 12, 2005 3:02 PM
Are you kidding me????
Eddiebosox- your kid will have to read different recaps of reality TV- This is one of my (and plenty of others) favorite reality TV web sites- why should he sensor it for your child??? I have three children- they don't read this website- HELLO- K-NOCK???? Don't let children see this website. It is for adults...
19 of 27 | Posted by amygirl | Posted on July 12, 2005 4:24 PM
TVGasm can do two versions: NC-17 and G, and then the readers can decide which we want to read ... except the G-version would have to be tweaked more than Janice's facial features.
20 of 27 | Posted by Casey | Posted on July 12, 2005 7:58 PM
amygirl,
I was of course being sarcastic. I likes it blue. And I can tell you in real life sg-dub is all "fuck this" and "fuck that". Well not really, but he COULD be.
So to wrap up....
shit
piss
fuck
cunt
cocksucker
motherfucker
tits
21 of 27 | Posted by Eddiebosox | Posted on July 12, 2005 9:40 PM
yeah, FUCK THE 'TARDS!!!!!!!! 8)
22 of 27 | Posted by JohnCockmasterStrong | Posted on July 13, 2005 5:53 PM
Just a little background on Caprice. She may be some hot shot model but she is also running the circuit of reality shows. She was on England's Celebrity Big Brother and lived with a bunch of International washed up celebs including Brigitte Nielsen with a surprise visit from none other than Jackie Stallone - EEK!. Caprice also did a turn on England's version of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! Just another celeb reality whore trying to milk a career out of these shows.
23 of 27 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on July 16, 2005 10:23 AM
Seriously, though eddiebox, I kind of agree with you about the over-reliance of cursing to be funny. When the writers do do a recap without curses or keep foul language to a minium, and they still have you rolling-that's brilliant, that's when you know as a writer you are good.
Now I'm not some "bad word cop"; don't get me wrong, I can and do curse with the best of them. It just demonstrates a higher level of writing skill to think of clever phrasing, purposely bad puns, dead-on analogies, etc. rather than to just go to the lowest common denominator. Even a crappy episode of a show will be hillarious, if the recap is hot.
Just some food for thought. I'm not trying to hate, because I think you are coming along quite nicely, sg-dub, so I hope you take the feedback in good faith.
Nuttin' but love for ya,
Joslyn
24 of 27 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on July 16, 2005 5:02 PM
What the fuck? You people are all a bunch of gay losers. Johnycocksucker strong or whatever his name is, Eddiebococks, you are all fags. The shoe is worthless and can do no better than watch this shit? Do something.
The really funny post is from the lady who doesn't want her daughter reading these profane posts! They are mocking retarded people mercilessly here and she is worried about her munchkin reading naughty words.
Worthless losers.
25 of 27 | Posted by Youareallassholes | Posted on July 17, 2005 4:51 PM
VH1 does air the 'new' shows earlier in the day. You can watch the new Kept at 11am on thursday as well as the normal time that night.
They should do a Surreal Life with just reality sluts. Bring Trashelle back and to make it really interesting, bring Coral from mtv as well.
26 of 27 | Posted by moonman | Posted on July 18, 2005 11:48 AM
I don't really care what you have to say in your forum regarding the most recent episode, but to use the word "retard" is offensive and ignorant. It's really quite sad that you take your word choices from a bitch like Janice.
27 of 27 | Posted by disappointed | Posted on July 19, 2005 6:29 PM