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The latest episode of The Surreal Life contained one of the funniest cameos in television history. OK, OK, perhaps that's a bit too much of a compliment, but damn, Tim Stack is one funny and ballsy dude. His jokes and insults flew out of his mouth faster and more furiously than if Triumph the Insult Comic Dog himself was on the show. Then again, with the likes of Omarosa and Janice Dickenson on the same show, hurling insults is an expected necessity more than anything else.
The show began with the rousing of the Surreal Lifers after their night of drunken carousing at The Palms in Las Vegas. You'll recall that The World's First Supermodel Janice Dickenson made quite a slaggy spectacle of herself the previous night, groping any man within 10 feet after her disgusting whoring for Jose Canseco didn't pan out. Everyone groaned the tell tale hangover groans and awoke to a nice breakfast spread. Immediately Jose lashed out at the still-sleeping Janice, "Dealing with her last night was the biggest pain in the ass, ever." This from a guy who dated Madonna. And believe me, with all that built up scar tissue from his steroid injections, Jose knows ass pain. Still desperately trying to "fit in" with the human race, Bronson (Balki) Pinchot chimed in, "Yeah, she treats the man like a salt lick in a cow barn." Is it me or does it seem like Balki took the Yakov Smirnov "Learn Comedy in 30 Minutes" on tape course before entering the Surreal House? Even his syntax is stilted like a recent Russian immigrant.
After the gang rubbed the sleep out of their collective eyes and successfully rid themselves of visions of Janice's nasty cooch from the night before, the still-high plastic queen appeared and announced her arrival thusly: "Who warmed you up for this reality show bitch? What did I bring? A couple of cockrings and a condom." Now, in almost any other circumstance I would say that the editors got a bit creating and spliced together that nonsensical and slightly lurid quote to make Janice look more insane than she might be. However, in her case, I'm going to only assume that is exactly how she said those three asinine sentences. She was visibly and audibly still drunk (or coked out) in the morning while slurring the above sentences. But again, let's recall that she didn't want to wear a nightgown a month ago for fear of upsetting her children. This only confirms my previous suspicions that she consistently refuses to show any skin above her waistline and below her collarbones because she is simply no longer human. As I've said, she's a geneticist/plastic surgeon's experiment gone awry - only now I believe that Larry Flynt had his hand in her creation as well. By the end of the series (which is when, by the way?) I plan on revealing my full detailed analysis on the genesis of "The World's First Supermodel" version JD1.0. Stick around for that - it's gonna be good. It involves Bonobo monkeys, space shuttle tiles, and Robotussin. I'm almost there... Just a few more ingredients to discern...
Before the meat of the show (with the aforementioned Tim Stack), we were treated to two short vignettes, "Surreal Life" style. In one, Janice declared that she would not be participating in anything that involved water (Hmm, maybe she's part Gremlin too!) because of her "bronchitis." Quick edit to scenes of her mouth-kissing various dumbass guys at the club the night before - all 8 of 'em - then quick edit back to the morning scene of her hocking up a nice loogie. Ok, we get it. She's a disgusting whore who is very most likely Patient Zero for some new form of some horrible disease. Hopefully her creators have an "auto-destruct" button and hopefully their finger is hovering over it as I write. In the next little scene, International model Caprice was rhetorically asking Balki if they had to wear swimsuits. For no reason other than he's a dirty old man, Balki pulled down the front of his drawers, showed her his ween, and stated, "Here's my suit." Yeah, I didn't get his point either - then again, that may be because I'm not a sexually repressed exhibitionist pathetic freak.
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Comments (11)
Guess that hookup that Omarosa predictied didn't quite happen; good to know that Jose has some standards.
There were a lot of good insults in that show. When that Mexican 'woman' walked up, someone said, "I thought we got rid of our old skank who thinks that she's hot!"
1 of 11 | Posted by dumbanddumber | Posted on September 7, 2005 7:30 PM
' "Dealing with her last night was the biggest pain in the ass, ever." This from a guy who dated Madonna.'
The show was great, but that's the quote of the year....
2 of 11 | Posted by ExBf | Posted on September 7, 2005 9:37 PM
You wrote everything I was thinking...I also loved Caprice's responses to Balki's suggestions. Janice's kids go to my friend's school and allegedly sits in the office all day sipping her coffee, with her legs up, talking about how she's a member of the PTA and the world's first supermodel.
Whore.
3 of 11 | Posted by mck | Posted on September 7, 2005 10:21 PM
what's all this "world's first supermodel"? I thought Gia was the world's first super model. You are so dead on that she's the unfunny jack ass from highschool.
4 of 11 | Posted by dredge | Posted on September 7, 2005 10:38 PM
"Patient zero." Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
At ease disease, there's a fungus among us.
5 of 11 | Posted by Helenann | Posted on September 8, 2005 12:00 AM
Ya gotta love Balki. His version of flirting is whipping his dick out. But try as he might we all know this is the Janice DIckenson show. STuffed to the gills with coke and Valtrex. Even omraosa faded into the background on this episode. And can you imagine a more horrifying site than seeing that skeletor Omarosa with those shark teeth comng towards you and giving you a kiss. I'd rather bang the fat mexican lady. Ill give it up for Omarosa, she rememebrs where she came from. I give her props for wearing her crips colors.
6 of 11 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on September 8, 2005 6:45 AM
Omarossa = Alien
7 of 11 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on September 8, 2005 8:50 AM
Why am I still watching this show? I have to take a shower afterwards to get the stank off.
/weak
8 of 11 | Posted by Amber | Posted on September 8, 2005 9:14 AM
Best.Recap.Title.Ever.
9 of 11 | Posted by Ed | Posted on September 8, 2005 6:26 PM
I thought everyone loves a spicy latina?!?
10 of 11 | Posted by laska | Posted on September 9, 2005 7:22 AM
Janice Dickenson is so skanky,everytime she's on screen she gives my t.v herpes.
11 of 11 | Posted by Fuzzbait | Posted on September 10, 2005 11:04 PM