I'm not sure how many episodes of The Surreal Life are remaining, but we must be getting near the end of the season. Heck, I hope so as I need to clear out a lot of TiVo space for the impending fall season. The sad part is that I have two dual input machines. Ahhhhh, sweet, sweet TV, I suckle at your cathode teat. With that in mind, I caressed my ergonomic remote control (I call him "Mr. Buttons" but you don't need to know that) and prepared for another half hour of Janice Dickenson being herself. That is, being a complete idiot.
The houseguests were roused at 7AM with no idea what was in store for them. Amid the grumbles and groans, Carey Hart grabbed the day's Surreal Times and learned they were all off to Vegas, baby. Without the "Vegas(t)" idea of why they were going there, they quickly packed for Sin City and clambered aboard a luxury bus. (I know that my use of "Vegas(t)" instead of "vaguest" wasn't funny or really all that clever. In fact, it was probably hard to decipher. However, I decided it was such a reach and so stupid that my inner editor left it in the recap. This reminds me, there is a job open for the position of my inner editor. Please send your resumes to my email address below. You must describe your ability to "get inside my brain" and control me like a marionette.)
Wow, that was random. Hey, with this show, I need filler. Like, seeing the nice luxury bus the show provided, I was reminded of "Missy Elliot's Road to Stardom" and how they gave the hopefuls the crappiest bus in history to drive around "on tour" in. I thought that was pretty cool. Okay, I'll stick to the show here on out. I promise. During the drive to Las Vegas, Omarosa drank way too much coffee and her giant gums just would not stop flapping. Like the rest of the world, she expressed amazement at the fact that she was featured in an E! "True Hollywood Story" last year. Gee willikers - I just checked and that THS was about ALL of the Apprentices, not just her. But why interrupt her delusions of grandeur? She went on to happily admit that she can't even go to the grocery store anymore without getting mobbed by "fans." Not content with leaving it at that, she bragged to everyone that she had signed with an agent and had many projects lined up. I'm sure this was scintillating to the busload of people who have all had agents and money for years. Even Balki was laughing at her. But behind the laughter were tears... Balki's life wasn't all laughs and big paydays; we'll explore his descent into depression and drug use after the break. (How's that for a THS segue?)
After teasing the gang with a glimpse of the Strip, the bus veered south to an out-of-the-way baseball field. As it turned out, the gang would be playing softball against an unknown team. After their last experience in a similar sporting event set-up, I'm sure they were all thinking the same thing: "Please Dear Lord, not more retarded kids." A stretch hummer arrived and their opponents spilled from its cavernous confines.
We all know how B-Side loves the travel maps
Nope, not retarded kids this time - but adults with the retarded job of being professional look-alikes. Awesome. There was Tina Turner, Dolly Parton, and Elton John. And there was Stevie Wonder, Madonna and Michael Jackson (with bodyguard)! And finally, fake Jose Canseco! Since fake Jose was really huge, I came to the immediate conclusion that fake Jose also took real steroids. Fake Dolly Parton assuredly also had fake ta-ta's, but that lent itself to the always-entertaining slow motion running-to-first-base footage, complimented by the boob-tastic sounds of slide trombones and tympani drums.
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Comments (7)
What is it about drugged up self destructive soon to be dead celebrities I find so goddamned funny? Oh that Janice. We go from one episode where she goes on a tirade about how she doesnt want to be disrespected because of her kids, to this one where she gets coked up and attempts to hump anything that moves. If I was there I would've stayed very still, because she cant see you if you dont move. Or maybe im confusing her with a T-Rex.
And I found out what the new worst job in the world is. Being in charge of blurring things out for episodes of surreal life. You HAVE to stare at that dried up cooter. its your JOB. Can you imagine a worse fate?
Did anyone here Jaince brag she was weaned on studio 54? I know I wasn't. Because i was 3.
1 of 7 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on August 24, 2005 6:27 AM
Plastic vagina, does that mean Janice is actually post-op?
2 of 7 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on August 24, 2005 8:34 AM
Additional Things I Noticed:
1)Caprice acknowledged Jose's tourette's and VH1 synchronized the brothers' twitches with adorable blinking sound effects
2)I also thought at first that Janice was in heat and then I realized she probably went through menopause at least 10 years ago. It's just an old warehouse now.
3 of 7 | Posted by Kimberly | Posted on August 24, 2005 10:30 AM
Best. Recap. Ever.
4 of 7 | Posted by AT | Posted on August 24, 2005 4:14 PM
I don't get why Balki is hitting on all the nasty chicks in the house. Here's a bit of gossip for you all. He's gay. A friend of mine knows a former boyfriend of his. I could go into further details but I am scared of the Balki.
5 of 7 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on August 26, 2005 11:46 AM
Did anyone catch Omarosa saying at the end of her brag session, "I'm a professor at five universities." I was like, "What??? Who is she kidding?" I also loved the way she was drooling over Canseco in the interview. She was one step away from standing up and thusting her pelvis.
There's no commetary needed for Janice. I've seen those older whore-types at clubs ... it's just scary and sad. The guys that she hooked up with up with were probably laughing their asses off -- once they finshed with her...
6 of 7 | Posted by dumbanddumber | Posted on August 27, 2005 8:28 AM
I love Janice. It's so fun watching her make a fool of herself.
7 of 7 | Posted by Karen | Posted on August 27, 2005 11:50 PM