We start the day off with Jay obnoxiously yelling at the top of hislungs that there's a message in a bottle for everyone (although, to be fair, I think he only has one volume - tacky). The message? Anannouncement that Tila's second annual Bi-athlon would commence. The guys feel that they have a lot to prove since last year's group of d-bags couldn't cut it. The girls, on the other hand, are ready for their testicles to drop and get this shit started.
"I think my voice just cracked."
The Bi-athlon goes like this: Contestants must dress up in flippers and a wetsuit, run through a kiddie pool with all that shit on, go into a large pool and get a "pearl necklace," run through the yard and dig your head into a tub of "blue balls", and finally, go down a slip and slide. In other words, an entrance exam to Harvard, only harder.
"Daddykins thinks I should join the yacht club, but I'm happy here in the pool with my pearl necklace."
The guys get off to a great lead, and the producers sure do seem to be relishing the fact that they made Kyle say he "got that pearl necklace good. The guys then hit a big wall when Ryan and Chad have big time troubles getting some metaphorical testicles in their mouths/at the blue ball station. Lisa really puts her butch lesbian skills to work, and catches up to Chad at the very end. Although, it seems like Chad's either getting really frustrated or doesn't give a fuck, since he starts to gnaw at the pool.
Tastes like taint.
Somehow, Lisa manages to not screw up the opportunity, and wins it for the ladies. Their prize is a "lesson" from Tila, but I think the only thing she could teach me is html code for myspace. It ends up being some weird lesbian teacher fantasy thing/13 year old version of me's catnip. The girls are told that the first to write "I Love Tila" 24 times on the chalkboard would win some one-on-one time with her.
Rock of Love + The Simpsons
Lisa, MVP in the episode challenges, wins some alone time with Tila. She uses it as an opportunity to ask Tila why she was on the chopping block the night before. Tila explains that she hasn't been putting forth enough of an effort since casino night. But Lisa decides to get confident and cozies up to Tila. This makes Lisa's feel like a pimp, and she comes out with Tila like they just did a five minutes in heaven. For some reason this leads to some weird montage of the girls acting all slutty and ends with "V", who wisely realized that a spank machine is a good idea at this point.
"I was bored."
Speaking of bored, the guys (and Chad, in particular) aren't doing much since the lady lovers are in control. And two things that usually end up bad - Chad and boredom. Chad convinces the guys that a panty raid is a good idea and the lemmings are only happy to acquiese. George starts jumping around shouting, "Not in my house," and I seriously wanted to mute the TV and dub it with noises of monkeys screeching.
We shall call him Bubbles.
The ladies are back from their date and not happy. Kristy in particular is upset because while she "gets it's a joke, you've come into our territoriy." So, she doesn't really get that it's a joke. LUckily, she gets into a fight with Jay, the worst person in the house, so I feel alright about rooting for her. Jay calls her a hoe, and she responds to him that "your mother is a hoe." Jay, of course, flips out because he sucks as a person.
Saying that to an Italian douchebag from New Jersey is like drawing Muhammed with dog poo on a mosque.
I think Samantha might have a split personality. One second she's tossing a plate of food into somebody's face and screaming like a woman possessed, and the next minute she's crying because Jay and Kristy's immaturity match is really loud. She's particularly upset with Jay and says that he's the bully of the house, and that's true considering most bullies are overcompensating for mommy issues. But I say she should deal with Jay the same way she did with Scotty - let her psycho, stripping personality, "Glitter", to come out and beat the shit out of him.
More offensive than Mariah Carey, that's for sure.
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Comments (7)
Is anyone out there besides me really hating this group of contestants? I especially hate that everytime they do their one on one interviews, something insanely cliche and obvious always comes out of their mouths. For example, during a competition, some random douchebag or slut will say "I'm just trying to win this." Are you now? Because to be honest, I think most people while playing a game would try to LOSE!
And I hate Chad. I think he just might be the archetype of the date rapist.
1 of 7 | Posted by Philemon | Posted on May 13, 2008 8:53 AM
I agree with both points above - that the contestants say predictable stuff and that Chad is the archetype of a date rapist - that being said, Chad is one of the few who doesn't just deliver lame sound bites, and until he does something that's just plain wrong, as opposed to simply obnoxious, I'm kind of enjoying him on this show.
Really interested to see what Bo says that makes him flip out and crack him in the face next week. Because, let's be honest, Bo kinda is a douchebag and probably deserves a good punch in the face. Matter of fact, I'd say he gives Chad some pretty good competition in the date-rapist-archetype dept.
2 of 7 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on May 13, 2008 10:30 AM
Hmm ... I can't decide which might be worse, a weekend in the clink or being forced to watch this show on repetition.
Totally agree, the contestants definitely seem to be on "reading cue card of cliche reality show one liners" ... but ... I will totally tune in to see what the fight is all about.
Great recap!
3 of 7 | Posted by mhechtua | Posted on May 13, 2008 1:30 PM
Wow...a two-fer.
I think the The Chad character is one of the most hateful I've seen on these shows--not that I'm blaming the actor portraying him/it. I blame the producers for being such idiots for inventing this moron. Clearly they're marketing the show to 13-year-olds.
And I do love how cheap the 'dates' are on this show. Five minutes on a couch is a date? They don't even make bother to make an effort to pretend anymore.
4 of 7 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 13, 2008 2:39 PM
Five minutes on a couch might be all it takes...
5 of 7 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on May 13, 2008 3:49 PM
You know, HayHor, I was so busy with my rant that I forgot to thank you for capping two episodes extremely well. I only read recaps of a few shows here, but it seems that when a recapper misses writing about an episode, he or she will start off with an apology and then write something like "Previously: stuff happened. I forgot to write about it. Get over it." To have a recapper who does not do that is kind of rare. So thanks for providing a double-dose of your humor!
And I can see what you mean about Chad kind of being the only distinct character on the show as of now. But, you know, I think their is a difference between being distinct and being vile. That guy is simply vile, in my opinion, and no amount of distinction can change that.
And as far as this show being marketed to 13 year olds, itchy, my only response is "Good God, I hope that's not the case." I think this is wonderful trash TV, but could possibly be dangerous with an impressionable viewer.
6 of 7 | Posted by Philemon307 | Posted on May 13, 2008 9:50 PM
Thanks for the love Philemon.
Did anyone watch last night? Check for the next recap soon - Chad has gone from one of my favorites to worst person on reality television ever?
Although Bo's kind of a douchebag too. Anyways, you'll see what I mean soon.
Until then, Gasmii.
7 of 7 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on May 14, 2008 10:36 AM