In all seriousness, Mimi's a nice lady who says that she's a bisexual because what matters is on the inside. Tila says she's been saying that forever, solidifying her place as the reason for gay marriage in California. Kristy's family is a good fit for her besides having old bi aunt Mimi - her dad says they want whatever makes their daughter happy, and he "downloaded some of Tila's songs." He must've been watching her music videos too, since as soon as that shit pops on, he starts grinding Tila.
"Pop it and lock it bitch."
Tila then starts spanking him for some reason, and then moves on to the brother's crotch, which her ass begins to grind. He said he had no problem with Tila "freakin'" him, but Tila noticed that he popped a bonezo and that it was a little weird. Aunt Mimi popped a bonezo when Tila walked into the room, and as soon as she noticed a moment to pounce, straddled that shit. Mimi justifies her indulgence saying, "Come an, you're not hurting anybody."
"Aunt Mimi, I can't breathe..."
After all the lap dancing, Tila leaves the family feeling great. She loved how accepting the family was, and it looks like Kristy's in great shape after this trip. After being lust in Yonkers with Kristy's family, it's time to visit Brittany in San Diego. She starts her off at a pub, and tries to be sweet by putting a street sign that says "Tequilaville" on their table and writing a card that says, "Will you be my Tequila sunrise." Tila responds by howling like a monkey.
She then proceeded to throw her poo.
After the bar, they move on to meet up with Brittany's friends and family. Unfortunately, her mother, brother, sister and stepfather are all "out of town" (read: they didn't want their reputations ruined by being on this show). She notes that her father will be there, however. Brittany then starts admitting some pretty intimate details about her life, including the fact that she found her father at 16, and that he was scared she'd hate him, but that that wasn't the case.
I feel bad for her, since Tila's vacuously nodding her head and saying, "Wow that's interesting" overenthusiastically.
Tila and Brittany arrive and meet Brittany's roommate Devin, her best friend Peggy, and her dad Ron. Tila seems a little to into Brittany's daddy, as she claims Ron is "sooo handsome and soo charming." After drooling over her dad, Tila has a sit down with the rest of the family. It seems like Peggy is the ducky to Brittany's Molly Ringwald, since she says that people "take advantage of Brittany all the time."
You know this whole time she's thinking, "Midget bitch."
During dinner, Brittany tries to give Tila the perfect meal based on all of the things Tila has mentioned to her that she likes. Those items are as follows - grape soda, fried chicken, white rice, and Texas pickles. Continuing the house visiting trend of making people uncomfortable, Tila starts performing fellatio on a pickle, taunting poor Ron. Somebody must've told her this was funny, since she then decides to lick her wrist provocatively.
Daddy's in a Pickle: coming soon to Cinemax After Dark.
After getting Ron's approval and taking a look at some baby photos, it's time for Tila to leave San Diego and head for the tacky confines of New Jersey. Jay picks Tila up from the Paramus Marriott in a limousine and takes her to a tacky, but big house in the Jersey burbs. It's becoming more clear that while Jay's title of Transportation Executive may be accurate, he didn't exactly pick himself up by the bootstraps.
Not exactly Horatio Alger.
It's upon meeting Jay's family, which consists of his brother Adam, Step-Father Elie, Father Avi, Step-Mother Rachel, and Mother Dorlee, that i realize I've had it wrong all along - Jay isn't a Jersey I-Tal, he's a Jew! In response, I apologize to all the guidos out there. Actually, I apologize to all of G_d's Chosen People out there too - you shouldn't have to be grouped with this crew.
Want to guess what's wrong with them? Take a "swing" at it.
In case you haven't figured it out, this episode eventually turns into a near orgy. It starts with Tila telling Rachel and Dorilee that they're "milfs," and noting off camera that they "look cute together." Then, during dinner, Dorlee suggests that Jay and his brother "share everything...there's nothing wrong with that." Soon after, as Jay and Tila begin to make out heavily, Avi notes, "OOh. I love seeing that."
...as the dishes "clang!" from a mysterious force under the table.
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Comments (11)
No, no, they're not Jersey Jews, they're Israelis, which is a huge difference-really, not the same thing at all-- and explains why you mistook him for Italian!
I think the whole angry Jay thing was a set up. It was just too abrupt--why would she be so harsh to him like that? And his reaction was just a sham --you could tell he was following a script.
Which leads me to suspect that the 'family' was a setup too, a bunch of actors....they stole the idea from the last Bachelor in an effort somehow to spice up this boring show.
Have to admit, I like the blonde (never can remember her name) for the win. Seems like the only one left who can keep up with the Tila party..
I just wish there were a time machine, a way to flash forward and see what Tila's doing in 10 years...
1 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on June 16, 2008 11:55 PM
I find myself really hoping that Brittany wins this thing. I like Kristy and all, but dude, she looks like she hasn't slept in months most of the time. Her eyes are always so baggy and swollen and it makes me want to cut up some cucumber and put it on the TV screen!
Two things that made me laugh out loud this episode (besides the obvious things that made me retch throughout):
1. I love how when Tila is visiting Kristy's family, she's talking about how she's been saying the same thing as Kristy's aunt for years, about it being the person on the inside that counts. HOWEVER, I thought she had never come out to ANYONE since last season? And that wasn't even a full year ago. Tila, tell your writers to get whole fake biography right. Indescrepancies are a big no-no. And maybe once they do that, they can write your interviews too, cause you sure got a lot of ego in that little body. The world does not revolve around you.
Anyway..rant over..my next giggle moment was:
2. When Jay is leaving and Tila says "Where you froooooooom?" expecting the normal obnoxious "JER-SEYYY!" and gets "STFU, bitch!" haha. I hate him but I had to laugh at that point.
2 of 11 | Posted by narcissistic | Posted on June 17, 2008 5:23 AM
narcissistic--I also loved Jersey's reply to Tila at the end.
Jersey's family---I am at a loss for words. Was that the Mom showing the boobs to the son's, or the Step-mom? I think even Tila decided that Jersey's family was too much.
3 of 11 | Posted by LisaMay | Posted on June 17, 2008 6:44 AM
Wow Hayhor a little heavy on the Jewish thing don't you think? Or did you not realize how bad the "He's a Jew!" would sound to all of us Jewish readers? I've been a fan, but reading this recap felt the same as being sucker punched. I'm sure it's hard to find jokes in this pathetic show, but there's got to be a better way than going for the Vietnamese, Italian, Jewish bigotry.
4 of 11 | Posted by rosesarered | Posted on June 17, 2008 7:38 AM
Rosesarered,
I want to apologize if you felt insulted when I wrote that. Most of my friends are Jewish (reform, but nonetheless devout) and when I'm worried about crossing the line, I think "would they be insulted?"
Granted, they make more Jewish jokes about themselves than I do, but I could say the same for myself and Puerto Rican jokes, so you get the picture.
Nonetheless, you should know that the intent is not to disrespect anyone except Jay's embarrasing family. I hope you'll accept my apology.
Oh and itchy...you're totally right, those Israeli dudes can't get enough!
5 of 11 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on June 17, 2008 8:14 AM
Great recap. Thanks!
Itchy: I want to believe that Jay's reaction was genuine, since I found him to be more repugnant than even that Detroit loon.
I predict that in ten years Tila will be doing "Shot at Love XI - this time I really mean it", only she'll look even wierder due to some unfortunate choices in plastic surgery.
For Bo's sake, I hope he doesn't "win". And that dark haired girl has stalker written all over her - (do you really think her family was "out of town"? I say get a search warrant and some corpse sniffing blood hounds.)
For those reasons, I'll take the blonde for the win.
6 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on June 17, 2008 8:32 AM
Whoever said to Brandon (Bo), "You should use the nickname Bo instead of your actual name Brandon, its much cooler" should be punched in the face.
Tila, you ass, you should've picked Danni.
7 of 11 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on June 17, 2008 9:18 AM
fire@will: well, maybe it was a genuine reaction on the first take...but by the time they got done with the version that was edited into the show, it just came off as too rehearsed.
But a putz is a putz is a putz...whereever he's from!
8 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on June 17, 2008 10:09 AM
itchy:
that really is jay's family. i graduated high school a year after jay and knew him and his family (mostly his brother adam) my entire life. never knew they were that nuts behind closed doors though!
9 of 11 | Posted by User Name | Posted on June 17, 2008 11:21 AM
In that case....ick.
10 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on June 17, 2008 12:32 PM
Great recap!
I'm from Yonkers, New York and it was very entertaining seeing Tila at a place I've been to a million times.
Can't wait for the finale, I know who wins though so there won't be that much excitement, ugh its sad how into this show I am...
11 of 11 | Posted by stina | Posted on June 18, 2008 9:57 PM