Tila Tequila is back folks, and things didn't work so well between her and Bobby. He broke her adorable, bisexual little heart and tore it into a million pieces. So, to ensure that she'll find someone who can tolerate her myspace fandom, the producers thought it'd be a good idea to scrape the bottom of the barrel and cast the show at a free clinic. I for one, think it's a great idea. So, are you guys read to take a SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA?!
How about a shot at herpes?
The guys and girls head to the house and are all psyched as hell. Everyone is acting ultra competitive. George, a waiter from Tampa who seems to be as smart as the retarded lady in my building who insists upon wearing a paper hat (true story), says that seeing the lesbians riled his blood because they'll be his rivals. Once Tila comes out, the whole lot of them acts like a bunch of religious fanatics, as if she is some kind of Vietnamese deity. Nick, an "Eldercare Specialist" from Roscoe, NY, goes so far to say that seeing Tila was "almost like seeing Jesus."
Pray to the goddess of Nail Salons.
Jay, a shameless meathead/Transportation Executive (also known as train conductor) from Paramus, New Jersey is also reverent and says that, "the first thing that I thought when Tila came out in those booty shorts was boing-oing-oing-oing-oing. My fucking cock flew up in the air." All 3 inches.
Guido catnip
To find out which group, guys or girls, gets to go inside with Tila first, they are forced to dance in giant cages. The girls dance like Amazonian lesbo-sluts who just finished a happy hour at Les Beau. The guys, Tila notices, "were just jumping around beating on their chest. They were acting like cavemen." OOOOOHHHHH...harsh diss, cavemen.
Seriously, who wants to be grouped with this meathead?
As everyone keeps acting more and more like caged animals, Nick uncages his animal and gets naked. Tila's more grossed out than turned on, especially since she thinks the girls are "sexy and moving with each other." The ladies win the whoredown and get to go into the mcmansion first.
Another proud moment brought to you by Tequila - both the drink and the person.
The girls come inside and grab their keys, and Tila starts spending one on one time with them all right away. She begins with the two boyish lesbians, Serenity and Rada. Serenity is a shy, US Army Private who's going with the big collar and necktie look. Rada is a confident, slightly ghetto Department Store Clerk who's going with the big collar and sweater vest look. Like a dyked out version of the Highlander, clearly there can be only one.
It's like a good and evil version of the same person!
Next up for Tila is Christy, the blonde, bisexual "dancer" from Yonkers. Word of advice, Christy - the only place you can "dance" in Yonkers is a strip club called Gallaghers 2000 so don't try fooling anyone, ok? Nonetheless, Tila likes her and thinks that she seems fun.
Does Swan Lake really call for this much time in the tanning bed?
Lisa, a softball coach from Dumont, NJ is next up with Tila, and she explains to the camera that in New Jersey, it's kind of easy for her to pick up chicks. There all you have to do is slick your hair back, act like an asshole, and women fall all over you - trust me, I spent a night in Hoboken once and that's exactly how shit went down (at least with hetero girls). Nonetheless, Tila likes her because she's a tomboy but has a "feminine face."
She's so ladylike for a bull-dyke.
Tashi, a Real Estate Agent, is our resident stalker for the episode. She says she's been a fan of Tila's since before the original show, and I think the producers cast her just to mess with/scare Tila. Look at this bitch - she has the serious crazy in her eyes.
"We've met before, only I was in the bushes, photographing your bathroom window, and you were taking a shit."
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Comments (11)
hawaiin boy Kyle is the only reason i'm gonna continue to watch the show. He is the only hottest guy there!
1 of 11 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on April 28, 2008 1:54 PM
I'm actually from Yonkers, and thats not where Gallaghers 2000 is. Yonkers is full of different clubs and I actually personally know Kristy.
But good recap.
2 of 11 | Posted by stina | Posted on April 28, 2008 6:41 PM
Am I the only one who saw the super-hero outfit and the GD, and thought ambiguously gay duo?
Or am I dating myself by referencing a time period when Saturday Night Live was actually funny?
3 of 11 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 28, 2008 8:23 PM
I totally thought of Ace and Gary too! Anyway, this season is overloading with douches which almost makes it unbearable to watch, but I'll try.
4 of 11 | Posted by nerdatron | Posted on April 28, 2008 8:34 PM
Stina,
I didn't mean to diss Yonkers as much as I meant to say I'm pretty sure Kristy's a stripper. And what's wrong with that? She should list her occupation as stripper. Or some kind of euphemism like exotic dancer or dollar bill enthusiast.
But, I'm sure she's really nice. She somehow seemed the most normal of all the girls and the only thing I could pick on was superficial stuff like the overly baked tan and occupation.
And anonymous/nerdatron, Ace and Gary totally crossed my mind, but I was feeling more perverted and double penetration jokes seemed more appropriate.
Thanks for reading, everybody.
5 of 11 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on April 28, 2008 9:24 PM
Stina,
I didn't mean to diss Yonkers as much as I meant to say I'm pretty sure Kristy's a stripper. And what's wrong with that? She should list her occupation as stripper. Or some kind of euphemism like exotic dancer or dollar bill enthusiast.
But, I'm sure she's really nice. She somehow seemed the most normal of all the girls and the only thing I could pick on was superficial stuff like the overly baked tan and occupation.
And anonymous/nerdatron, Ace and Gary totally crossed my mind, but I was feeling more perverted and double penetration jokes seemed more appropriate.
Thanks for reading, everybody.
6 of 11 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on April 28, 2008 9:32 PM
Nice to see they're continually refining the concept. They definite took note of Kim's success in waking up That's Amore...the guy with the arm tattoo (Ryan? Who cares what his name is, I vote we call him Mr. Kim) looks to be serving the same function. Bet he's part of the production staff.
7 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 29, 2008 9:08 AM
actually one of the guys on the showed yelled out 'ambiguously gay duo' when the twins came out.....so you guys weren't the only ones that' remember that show. I actually thought of that as soon as they came out. haha
8 of 11 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on April 29, 2008 9:45 AM
Hey Itchy,
Thanks for following me over from Amore to Tila T. Not sure who's going to be our Kim for this go round, but I'm sure that a couple episodes in, it will become painfully clear.
And Jozeyg you are correct - one of the guys said it during the catwalk. If only both Greg and Dominic were still on the show, I'd totally call them Ace and Gary.
Also, I think I'm gonna do a feature here in the comments section - a Most Valuable Punk/Bitch of the week. The criteria are that they make you laugh more than once per episode.
My winner for week 1? Chad. Despite being kind of a douche, I loved his wangbone philosophizing and the pillow toss in George's face. Seriously George looked like somebody slapped him in the face when that happened and he wanted his mommy.
So, anyone want to make a case for a different Most Valuable Punk/Bitch?
9 of 11 | Posted by HayHor | Posted on April 29, 2008 10:15 AM
Ah, Chad, that's the new Kim. You just know the guy's a plant to stir things up. Wangbone indeed.
Here's hoping this show will be as much a trainwreck as That's Amore!
10 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 29, 2008 11:16 PM
HayHor, Thanks for your response, I didn't mean to be rude, but you know how people get about their hometowns.
Oh and I'm watching a rerun of the 2nd episode and I realized Kristy put "model" as her occupation and I get what you were trying to say.. MODEL? haha thats a joke.
Looking forward to you recapping the rest of the season!
11 of 11 | Posted by stina | Posted on May 1, 2008 8:26 PM