So after last week's sex mystery and resulting witch hunt, we open the next morning with Brandi and Steven both in shock that Tila kept them after Rebeccagate. Brandi wants to talk to Tila more without letting herself get distracted by any of the other men or women in the house, but Steven's more cocky, and not too worried about his status.

I will not spread my diseases to anyone but Tila... I will not spread my diseases to anyone but Tila...

First thing in the morning, the group finds a note from Tila announcing the first annual bi-athalon, guys against girls. Butterface Ryan wastes no time assuring us that there's nothing bi about him, except he occasionally invites his buddies over for appletinis, screenings of The Wizard of Oz, and tickle fights. Manly Dani is confident that she can take on several of the guys. Well, just to make sure that fight is fair, Dani'd have to be blindfolded, with one arm tied behind her back. The remaining dudes aren't exactly tough.

Tila's waiting for them outside, wearing a zebra costume. Oh wait, that's only what Professor Ashley thought it was. It's actually a slutty referee outfit. She announces the rules - they'll blow up a Tila doll (made of 100% plastic as opposed to the 25% plastic real version), and with the doll in hand run through the tire course, crawl under the army net, dig through a sandpit for a necklace, and then climb over an inflatable ramp. First team to get all of its members through the course gets their choice of alone time activities with Tila.

After the guys cheer 1-2-3-Team Penis (for realz), Virgin Ashli and Momma's Boy Michael are up first. Michael blows the fuck out of the Tila doll (brain's going to explode... too many jokes...), as Ashli struggles to get her inflated. Tila and the crowd heckle poor Ashli, and Tranny Vanny says she was just screaming "blow, virgin, blow virgin, go!" It's just another Tuesday afternoon for Tranny Vanny.

But after Ashli, Steven, and Sara finish, the score is tied 2-2. Next up is Guido versus Tranny Vanny. Tranny Vanny's taking her time doing what she does best, and Guido hits the ramp before Tranny Vanny's even out on the course. But alas our little gay boy can't get up the ramp, and keeps sliding down. Not only is this ramp tilted at like only a 30-degree angle, but it's got footholds for crissakes. TV manages to overtake Guido, and they both finish at the same time.

Professor Ashley rips through the course in approximately 6 seconds, as if Tila were waiting for him at the end chowing down on biscuits 'n gravy while watching Friday Night Smackdown. Something lit a fire under that boy's ass. It comes down to just Butterface Ryan for the boys, with Brandi and Manly Dani still left for the girls. Brandi finishes quickly, and Dani is just starting to blow up her doll as Ryan begins the course. But Ryan gets stuck in the sandpit, unable to locate the necklace. He's just sort of canvassing the area, unable to find the one crucial part. This speaks volumes about Ryan in the bedroom. Anyway, this delay allows Dani to come from behind (heh) and win the bi-athalon for the ladies! Forget Michigan versus Appalachian State - this is the biggest upset in sports history!

A little to the left... no back to the right a bit... dammit Ryan!

The girls celebrate as the guys throw shit, bitch and moan, and generally act like the graceful losers we know them to be. Ryan tells us that it was hard losing to a bunch of he-shes. Hey watch it, don't generalize based on Tranny Vanny. Just as I'm about to award him the cultural sensitively prize of the week, Guido tells us that technically lesbians are men. Hmm, it's a toss-up. I'm just going to declare a tie. They're both douchebags.

Would you like to share my mom's couch with me?

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Posted in Tila Tequila by LoLo at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: fire@will on Nov 5, 2007 09:20 AM.