As the winners, the girls get to choose between going to heaven or hell with Tila. The lesbians say they want to go to heaven, as bible-thumpers everywhere laugh scornfully. They all dress up in semi-transparent skimpy angel outfits, except for Manly Dani, who looks like a lost GAP employee in a white button-down shirt and khaki pants. After a short limo ride, they arrive at a house that is literally decorated completely in white. Better put a towel down before having any one-on-one time with Tila.
Besides the high stain probability, the house is awesome, with an oxygen bar, raw bar, gigantic Jacuzzi and a full-sized boat floating in the pool. Tila takes each girl aside for 7 minutes in heaven, which is really just talking and not letting some sweaty 13-year-old boy jam his tongue down your throat. Tila meets with Sara first, and tells Sara she likes outgoing, crazy girls. Sara then promptly tells her she enjoys staying home every night, knitting and playing with her 12 cats. She says she was wondering if Tila likes her, and I think it's safe to say the answer is now no.
Can I interest you in our new cashmere cardigans or double-breasted peacoats?
When Tila starts to pull Brandi away for their alone time, Tila begins screaming hysterically and hops up into Brandi's arms. At first I thought it was because she got a good look at Brandi's hair in direct sunlight, but it turns out Brandi stepped on and killed a little lizard. Tila runs away, leaving Brandi staring at the road kill and sniffling back tears. Which in all honesty, is how I would react, too. It was cute. And now you have lizard brains on your $200 boots. Not cool. Tila tells us she was so freaked out that she couldn't even have her alone time with the Lizard Killer anymore. Lizard Killer fearfully tells us that she really needed that alone time after Rebeccagate, and now knows she's going home.
Later that night, it's time for the guys to go to hell. Tila takes the boys downstairs to the strip club, and reveals a secret door leading to her dungeon. Inside, she makes them all put on leather cuffs as the guys stare in fear and arousal at various bondage and S&M devices scattered throughout the room. Hey, as long as she's not burning you with cigarettes or clipping anything to your genitals, consider yourselves lucky. FYI, don't Google this stuff. It ain't pretty. Thanks to this show, my browser history is... interesting to say the least.
Tila whips Professor Ashley for a while, but when he moans instead of screams, she angrily locks him up in a cage instead. Bad slave! Next, she goes after Guido, strapping him on a board and tickling him while he shrieks and convulses. I would have loved to see her stick a stiletto where the sun don't shine. Oh well. She drips hot melted wax all over Butterface Ryan, who makes some disturbing O faces that won't be getting out of my mind for a while. Tila even drips the wax on his teeny mister, while Ryan tries not to blow his load on national television.
What all of your childrens' teachers do on their weekends.
During the one-on-one times, Ashley tells Tila he's in love with her, and both his and my eyes well up with tears at the same time. Only he's not laughing so hard he may pee himself. Tila giggles uncomfortably, and tells us that something's a little off about Ashley. Honey, we knew that from week one when he compared your vajayjay to sweet and sour pork. He's a stupid, crazy hick. Have you seen "Deliverance", Tila? Get the fuck out of there!
The next morning, Lizard Killer's tramp stamp reads another message from Tila, saying that while Tila's starting to get feelings for them, it's time for them to start feeling Tila. Excited, the group runs to meet Tila, who's waiting for them looking fantastic in some pink satin underwear. She tells them that they'll each have 5 minutes to massage her, and afterwards the best guy and girl will join her in a hot tub for one last chat before eliminations.
Professor Ashley is eager, knowing that Tila will feel the power of his love. I don't think that'll be the only thing grazing her back. Sara is worried and really wants the alone time, and Lizard Killer is actually confident, having gone to massage school.
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Comments (3)
I just discovered tvgasm about a month ago and I love it! I don't get to watch very much tv, but my guilty pleasures are the ridiculous mtv shows like the Hills, Tila, and Real World.
I just have to say that LoLo, you are hilarious. I laugh so hard reading your recaps of this show. It makes it so worth it to watch the show just to read your recap!
1 of 3 | Posted by hotteach | Posted on November 3, 2007 7:26 PM
Ashley is an nutcas, obviously. Good thing Tila eliminated him now. Imagine what he would have done if he got cut further along the line? It was surprising for him to attack Guido, since he has been defending him since day one [[ against Marcus & when he exposed
Rebeccagate ]]. The whole thing was really funny and disturbing at the same time.
2 of 3 | Posted by hollabackboy | Posted on November 4, 2007 12:06 PM
Great recap!
Haven't seen the episode, but Ashley does, indeed, come off as a dangerous nut-case (and a poster child for public school reform).
Hopefully, this brush with fame will be enough for him, and he can abandon his secret quest to be winner of the ultimate reality show - "American's Next Assassin".
Reality. Scary. If I wanted to watch that sort of psychotic violence, I'd go visit my ex.
I kind of like Tila, too, when she reverts to acting like a real person. Mostly, I feel sorry for her (and wish she would just admit she's not into external genitalia).
3 of 3 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 5, 2007 9:20 AM