Tila announces that five guys are getting cut immediately. Marcus is worried that his fight with Professor Ashley will hurt his chances of furthering his career on yet another reality TV show. Ashley tells us that there's no way he's going home because his "feet is planted." Oy. I can just picture his students munching on crayons and trying to color with carrots, wondering why the former taste like shit and the latter don't write, can't you?
Elimination time. Instead of calling the guys she's keeping forward, she announces one by one whose shot at love has ended, and they come forward to return their plastic key to her heart. The designated drivers tonight are: Tea bagger Ben, Rami of the ceramic frogs, sexually confused Michael R., Lancey the Clown, and nipple-slip Mr. Clean. I'm a little surprised on Lance since he was cute and funny, but maybe she's as afraid of clowns as I am. Seriously, I could never date a guy I would run screaming from every time he got ready for work. Afterwards, Tila and the guys gather and knock back a shot. Ah, romance.
Now it's time for the ladies. Tila's dressed like a tasseled disco ball and the ladies are arriving at the house by limo. The ladies chatter excitedly about Tila being a lesbian, and while there are definitely some beautiful women in the crowd, there are several that are just toe-up. Overall, the guys are beating the girls in the looks department.
Oh dear god. I could take 50 shots at love and this still wouldn't be attractive.
Once inside the house, the women mingle and I learn some lesbian terminology. Evidently a gold-star lesbian has never had sex with a man. A silver-star lesbian had sex with a man but didn't have a good time and knew she was gay at that moment. I wonder what a bronze-star lesbian would be? A girl who pretends at bars to be gay just to get creepy guys to leave her alone? If so, polish my star, and one for all of my friends.
Amanda, a real estate agent and perhaps part-time Pamela Anderson impersonator, sits down on the couch and flashes her undies, prompting Tila to bend over (won't be the last time) to take a better look and comment that they are wearing the same pair. Pamela Amanda says this proves they're totally on the same page as Tila pokes at Pamela Amanda's inflated boobs like they're toys (which granted, toys and Pamela Amanda's boobs are probably made from the same materials).
Gold star alert! Gorgeous caterer Ashli is a virgin and Tila wastes no time getting cozy and instructing Ashli to never give it up. That virginity is Tila's, goddammit! Tila is much more sexual with the women, and after molesting Amanda and Ashli she moves on to Rebecca, an entrepreneur. But just as she and Rebecca are about to tear each other's clothes off, Keasha, the drunk idiot of the party and surely a terrible interior decorator, stumbles over and joins them, saying "Hey girl heeeeeey!" for about the 30th time. Rebecca tries to nicely tell Keasha to take her horse face and get the fuck away from them, but the mood is already ruined.
Undaunted, Tila approaches Sara, a cosmetologist, and Dani, a man, I mean, firefighter, and immediately begins making out with Sara while Dani watches uncomfortably. Afterwards, Tila gets up and walks away without even a glance for poor Manly Dani, who then lectures Sara about giving it up too quickly. Dani, I think that's going to be a pattern of behavior you better get used to, girl.
Next, Tila mingles with a few girls inside, including Lala, a stylist whose candy-apple red hair isn't advertising her business too well. Lala tells Tila she wants to be friends with a girl first so they can go shopping, hang out and do fun stuff together. That totally makes being a lesbian sound awesome. If only I liked the vajayjay. Tila agrees that lesbians have got the best of both worlds, and then goes back outside to talk more to an unfortunate pierced and tattooed girl, Chaos. Chaos is a dancer for the worst burlesque show ever, and talks Tila's ear off about her previous relationship. Tila bitches to us that while it's good lesbians share their feelings more than most men, she doesn't need this chick's life story in their first meeting. Seizing the moment, Tila bails when Chaos's tongue stud gets caught in her nose ring. Instead she sits down with Ellie (photographer) and Vanessa (dancer). Vanessa tells Tila she likes to be dominated, prompting this reaction from Tila:
T. M. I.
« Dancing With The Stars: Like Chicken Man, It's Everywhere | Main | The Bachelor: Double the Bachelor! »
Comments (8)
I haven't read this yet, but DEAR LORD i am so happy somebody is recapping it. This is a complete nutfest in the making!!! Lerrrrve it!
1 of 8 | Posted by Krizzatch
|
Posted on October 11, 2007 11:43 AM
LoLo!!! Fabulous as usual!!! This show was such train wreck material, but oh so trashy, I have to watch.
You did a great job recapping the craziness - and I concur with you on all points.
Early bets are that she ends up with a woman. Most of the time with the guys she just looked disgusted, and she already made out with 3 of the girls in the first HOUR of being with them.
Tila is definetly a skank, but she's funny as hell, especially when she called one of the women a butterface. A la Cowhutta: Good God woman!
2 of 8 | Posted by Krizzatch
|
Posted on October 11, 2007 11:59 AM
now, don't tell me that Vida Guerra is gonna have her own show too?
I dunno, i watch the show and it's entertaining......but i think it's a little toooo much. I think Britney Spears should have her 'finding love' show. That would be awesome to watch. At least have someone really interesting.
I swear these shows are going sooo overboard, but they suck you in! dang it!
3 of 8 | Posted by jozeyg | Posted on October 11, 2007 12:01 PM
"I wonder what a bronze-star lesbian would be? A girl who pretends at bars to be gay just to get creepy guys to leave her alone? If so, polish my star, and one for all of my friends."
Amen to that...
4 of 8 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on October 11, 2007 1:38 PM
LoLo!!! This is by far the best recap ever!! Can I just say when dani "the firefighter" and steffanie "the photographer" showed up with the women, I was like oops some guys slipped in with the women! Tila is truly truly a disgusting,talentless,skanky,douchebag of spencer-like proportions, but since rock of love is over i need something really craptastic and THIS.IS.IT!!!
5 of 8 | Posted by lloyd dobbler | Posted on October 11, 2007 4:08 PM
Exactly what is this chick famous for?
6 of 8 | Posted by mandymax | Posted on October 12, 2007 5:46 AM
Mandymax you made me laugh, cause it is so true! She, get this is famous cause she has over a million+ friends on myspace, which led to her being on the cover of magazines like maim, then penthouse, and she is a "musician" and i use that term very very loosely. She once tried a scam where she asked each of her myspace friends to send her $1 to supposedly put them up in her home as souveneirs, yeah right she got busted hard for that. She is basically paris hilton, but shorter, if possible even skankier, and without a hotel named for her:)
7 of 8 | Posted by lloyddobbler | Posted on October 12, 2007 5:49 PM
This girl certainly set a record alright - for having even less of a reason than nicole richie or paris hilton to be famous. If I have to google you or look you up on wikipedia to find out who the hell you are, you shouldn't be "famous." I hate MySpace.
8 of 8 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on October 19, 2007 4:28 AM