This week on Toddlers and Tiaras, judge rigging! Giant hair on tiny bodies!! The most adorable serial killer ever born!

I lost a toof bitin' out some guy's juguhler.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back with a vengeance, people! The glitz! The glamour! The obnoxiously bratty kids who make me want to get my tubes tied! Stephanie Sims, Pageant Director for the Little Miss Glitz pageant tells us it's not your run-of-the-mill county fair pageant. "You'll see everything from eyelashes to flippers, hair to the sky and a lot of glamour. The glitzier, the shinier, the better." So it IS just like every other run-of-the-mill pageant.

But with worse posture.

The big prize? The cash prize of $500. Are you kidding me? That is small potatoes compared to some of these places. Remember the poorly run pageant that gave a weekend trip to the mom who won but has yet to collect on that actual prize? "The stakes are high," she says. Aren't they always?

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Hello Gasmii, we're back to normal with this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with bratty kids, crazy mothers, and winners all around. This week we're at the Gold Coast Pageant being held in Arizona, yee-ha! You may remember Pageant Director Kim Colby from such pageants as "California Gold Coast," and uh...well, probably the other Gold Coast pageants held all over non-gold-coast states.

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This episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes place in Sin City, Las Vegas, where we are joining the Universal Miss and Master International pageant. Unlike other pageants, this is a four-day marathon of glitz, glamour, and more than occasional whining. You need the whole package plus reinforcements as this is a marathon, not a sprint. And you will need GU with caffeine, trust me.

Swiss Miss: Asian Child Vampire Style

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Aloha Gasmii! This luau of Toddlers & Tiaras comes straight from Honolulu, Hawaii, host of the "America's Fabulous Faces" beauty pageant. Pageant Director Marcy Stoehr, code name for "Sally Struthers," is the co-director of the pageant. Clearly the other co-director knew better than to be on camera. The pageant has been around 13 years, but this is the first year they went to Hawaii, probably because they couldn't afford vacations in this economy so they decided to combine work and pleasure into one big tax write-off.

I think had the WHOLE PACKAGE...of oreos!

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Hello Gasmii, welcome back to another episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! This episode takes us to the Miss Tiny USA (please let it be for fat kids!) in the fine city of Laurel, Mississippi. Damn, I'm going to be singing that M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I song through this whole recap! Pageant Director Darla Bailey, the second wife of George Bailey, who remarried quickly after Donna Reed started her own show, tells us that the "Tiny Miss USA is a title girls like to win." So is the title Mrs. Bon Jovi!

Nice extensions!

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Hard to believe, but this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes the cake. A cake topped with rhinestones and filled with raspberry crazy, and so satisfying I almost needed an after-episode cigarette, but I don't smoke so I just drank instead.

Ahoy, Gasmii!

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This week's Toddlers & Tiaras brings us back to the heart of our country, West Virginia for the YEEE-HAAA! Outlaws Pageant, sponsored by Taze-Her, the only taser made specifically for pageant competitors, a Trump Product. And guess who's coming to dinner? Debbie Moss, grandmother of Kailee with two E's from a couple of episodes ago, who is the pageant director! Kids, guns, and heated debate, the perfect storm of pageanting!

She's baaack!

"This is our first Outlaw pageant," Debbie says as a sign shows us the official title "USA Glitz Outlaw Roundup." First outlaw pageant? I'm guessing Debbie is unfamiliar with our prison systems! "It's whatever the old west used to be...we're bringing it back!" Just like Young Guns II where all the brat pack actors who were killed in the first movie come back to life like zombies, much like Andrew McCarthy when he acts.

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Back for more, are ya? After last week's total and complete El Niño shitstorm of comments, we need to make a fresh start this week. Let's agree to disagree: Some people believe that pageants are cost-effective hobbies that are enjoyable for the entire family, while others believe the machinery of pageantry is oiled with the self-esteem of the contestants. And butt paste.

We begin this week's drama-ridden Toddlers & Tiaras with the Babes of Summer pageant in Marmaduke, Arkansas. Marmaduke! Will you ever learn you are too big for the couch?

Sometimes these recaps just write themselves.

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This week's Toddlers & Tiaras is the "Beautiful Dolls" pageant in Lafayette, North Carolina and Gasmii, the crazy is BACK! We open this episode with Pageant Director Britney Barlow, a dead-ringer for brunette and bobbed Jodie Foster, telling us she started the pageant so that every child could leave the pageant "feeling like a winner." Because that's how real life is.

What the hell is wrong with people? When did losing become something bad as opposed to a "life lesson"? And when did telling your kids to shut the hell up when they are crying in Target become taboo? Sorry, that last one may have been a personal question to the two dumbass parents who looked like they had lost their will to live. Seriously, shut your kids up or I will, and I'll do it by telling them I will kill Santa if they aren't quiet.

Next time I tell you to shut the f#ck up, you DO IT.

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