Back for more, are ya? After last week's total and complete El Niño shitstorm of comments, we need to make a fresh start this week. Let's agree to disagree: Some people believe that pageants are cost-effective hobbies that are enjoyable for the entire family, while others believe the machinery of pageantry is oiled with the self-esteem of the contestants. And butt paste.
We begin this week's drama-ridden Toddlers & Tiaras with the Babes of Summer pageant in Marmaduke, Arkansas. Marmaduke! Will you ever learn you are too big for the couch?
Sometimes these recaps just write themselves.
This week's pageant director is a hyphenator because she's trying to be a feminist, Alison McCormick-Pyland. This is only her second pageant as director and we will soon see why it will probably be her last. She tells us this is a full-glitz pageant, which can only mean one thing: they are looking for the TOTAL PACKAGE. So is anyone dating George Clooney, boo-ya! More than 100 girls from 8 states will be competing, which is pretty big considering some of the pageants we've seen previously. Nothing can go wrong with that many hyper kids, pageant moms and an amateur pageant director. If it's opposite day!
Alison interviews that this is one of the most competitive pageants she's seen which sort of loses something when you find out this is only the second year for this pageant. The winner takes home $1000 in cash (until the 1099 shows up) which is one of the higher prizes. Will they be giving away another live animal? Probably a mongoose. Aren't they native to, uh, Arkansas?
The gerbil fur crowns are gonna put last year's to shame!
Over in Harrisburg, Arkansas, which looks like a really pretty place, we meet HOLY SHIT why are those kids carrying guns and where can I get one? We meet three gun-toting tots. "We are the Sprinkle sisters and we are a triple threat," they say together, pointing their fingers like guns, which actually makes them a sextet of threat since they each have two thumbs pointy fingers to make faux guns. Yikes.
I'll get your Ooompa Loompa right now. Just please don't shoot me.
Savanna is the forgotten older child at 10 (I feel your pain!), Makayla is sporting the middle child trauma at the age of 8, and Elizabeth is probably the favorite because of her blonde hair, blue eyes and ability to not only to shoot at a deer decoy/lawn ornament with pretty good aim, but because she's the youngest at 6 and we ALL know how that works. Mama's baby! She also says she loves big hair, so how could she not be the favorite?
Dana is their mother and she's really cute including when she talks in that southern accent that is slightly more charming than the ones on display in Deliverance. Makayla spills the beans on this pageant and says their mother is going to be doing the pageant with them this time. Oh, Lord, we all know how well that worked out for Stacy in season one. Meaning not at all and the outfit did NOT make her look thin no matter how delusional she was and still is.
Dang, y'all, how 'bout some sweet tea?
Dana tells us that "98% of the time they all win or place," but considering how many trophies and sashes get handed out at these things, that's a really low percentage. "It's really fun when it's a three-crown night," Dana says...
...I'll say!
Over in Paragould, Arkansas, where people don't slow down for train tracks and alignments are $89.95, we meet six year old Hope Hernandez who is pretty cute in her cowboy outfit. She says, "I'm going to rock that stage!" Wait! She is toting a pair of guns too. Damn, I need to move to this state, there are more guns here than in Texas! Totin' Toddlers & Tiaras!
Are they competing in a pageant or a gun show?
Hope's mother/father/both, Michelle, looks like she could take pretty much all of us in a fair fight, and all of us plus one in an unfair one. She honestly looks like someone who had to give up bar fighting because she needed to get to a PTA meeting without any more bruises. Wonder if she's competing in the mom division at the pageant?
OH GOD SHE'S GONNA EAT PRINCESS LEIA!
« Real World: The Zombie Hitler Tap Dance Episode | Main | Big Brother: One Week Left »
Comments (15)
DearCrabby,
Haven't read the recap yet. Just a quick question. Is it wrong of me to hope another wack-ass parent comes out of the woodwork? I think it only adds to the sheer awesomeness of your amazing recaps to have your point made again and again in the comment section.
Now, back to reading. Love ya babe, don't ever change.
1 of 15 | Posted by Bremm | Posted on September 8, 2009 10:23 PM
Oh yeah, I do hope we get some more wackos stopping in. That was one of the most fun commentary sections ever.
Hmm. Maybe TVgasm ought to invite participants in these shows to weigh in on their recaps more often.
2 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 9, 2009 12:36 AM
Ahh yes, last week was so enjoyable. Not that this week and every other isn't.
I'll bet they're still talking about the pageant scandal down in Marmaduke. This one had everything. A triple threat, reptiles, judges gettin tookin off and an incompetent director.
Your recap is the total package Crabby. Flipit please get her a crown & sash and a 3 day stay at the motel of her choice.
Love ya Crabby.
3 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on September 9, 2009 7:17 AM
Wait. The Sprinkle Girls?
Oh man, I'm like, totally flash-forwarding to the 2019 Adult Film Awards.
4 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 9, 2009 8:30 AM
Thanks for the wonderful recap DearCrabby! I can't remember what part I loved most but the 36 hour bra so the girls don't keep heading to China made me laugh the hardest. The title was pretty clever too.
I LOOOOVED the Sprinkle Family! Sans Steve of course. I had to look away for his dinnertime but did come back to catch the shot of the Sprinkle's dinner. I've never had a snake but can people really eat after seeing that? (Still grossed out.) Anywayzzzz, they seemed like a wonderful family. Those girls = adorable, just freakin' adorable! I liked that they wanted to learn something from the pagent that didn't involve winning. I also liked how the 3 don't compete against each other. Yes, Mama Sterling has a lot to learn from Mama Sprinkle. And speaking of Mrs. Sprinkle... if I had bought a dress, threw on a pound of make up and made my hair big enough to not be ashamed in Texas, well then by golly I AM walking the stage! Hope she eventually gets her prize (she's lucky this was televised).
That Michelle was a mess. I thought the same thing with those crazy tears. And if kids are getting spanked, it's not cause they didn't crown. We could see how Hope thinks it's ok to go stomping off and have a fit.
These pagents are like Project Runway... the best and the worst at the end. You can never be sure which category the judges put you in.
5 of 15 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on September 9, 2009 9:05 AM
I’m guessing McKenzie was the one feeding info to certain pageant moms about which contestants do/don’t have front teeth.
Itchy said, “Wait. The Sprinkle Girls? Oh man, I'm like, totally flash-forwarding to the 2019 Adult Film Awards.” I also fully expected their mom to be named Annie. But Annie’s an artiste now…at least that’s what she claims. I’m betting she could work the python into her…“performance art act.”
Modeling doctor has been done, though. Izzie on Grey’s Annatomy.
“Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye was really a Horcrux holding the soul of Voldemort?” was hilarious…but the ending of your recap had me rolling! “Three months after the pageant, Dana still has not received her prize.” LOL
6 of 15 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 9, 2009 10:57 AM
This was a bizarre episode of a very bizarre show. What was really going on? I think Mackenzie had totally fixed it for Hope to win - that's how her mom had all the inside info. And also why she stomped off so mad at the end. I mean, I know your kid didn't win, but a lot of other kids didn't win either. That's the way it goes. Unless you usually only enter "fixed" pageants.
Alison was lame but at least she seemed to be trying to put on an honest pageant. (if there is such a thing)
I liked the Sprinkle family, but I think they need to rethink their activity of choice. With three girls, someone is always going to be the pageant loser. Why not let them go into different things? They'd be better off.
Note to Michelle: your child should be in the backseat, buckled into a booster seat. It doesn't matter how mad you are, take two minutes to do that. Another example of great parenting from our pageant moms and dads!
7 of 15 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on September 9, 2009 10:58 AM
there was an awful lot of fat in this screwed up episode.
hope was a beautiful child til they made her look like a hooker.
to me, Michelle looked like an ogre from Shrek.
8 of 15 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on September 9, 2009 2:41 PM
Thanks for the laughs, Crabby! I barely ever watch this anymore -- and usually only after I read your recaps to see if it has fills the nutty pageant moms and spoiled brats quota I expect from this fine show.
Ah, thank God for Arkansans -- they make Texans look almost normal in comparison! Yay!
The Sprinkles are scary biscuits. Gun-toting tots with tiaras are terrifying enough, but to add a boa named Steve? *shivers* (There was just *so* much wrong with that mouse and snake scene.)
And so glad to know they are home-schooled. I totally agree with you Crabby re: fractions. No future fruit of my loins shall be homeschooled if it means I have to teach them what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow is, whether African or European.
"It doesn't take a Mensa member to judge a beauty pageant." Huh, should have showed Perez Helton again. Love that pic, Crabby; can someone photoshop a pacifier into his mouth?
And a "Mrs. and Moms" division? Really? Way to separate the wives from the baby mommas, R'Kansas.
On Teresa caving on doing Sara's makeup: Hon, if you can't do your own daughter's makeup, how on earth are you going to stand up to a botoxed Southern belle who wants to wear Green Envy eyeshadow with Sinfully Scarlett lipstick? For shame, especially as the result ended with Sara having no eyebrows.
On Alison's counting problem: "Then how did you get to seven." = If Jenna homeschooled her hypothetical loin fruit their counting skills would be about as good as Alison's.
On Elizabeth's hair: Madmen? I was thinking more "Village of the Damned." Scary alien children with perfect blond hair. Too bad she wasn't one of those Tiara-sauraus Rexes.
On Mrs. and Moms' prize: "The winner of this category will win a 2-night, 3-day stay at the hotel of her choice." WTF kind of prize is that? I'll take the George V in Paris, France, please. Poor, Dana.
9 of 15 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on September 9, 2009 3:06 PM
Dear Crabby, I just finished watching the Outlaw Pageant held in West Virginia. Lo and behold, who should be the director? None other than Debbie Moss (claw hair), viabinez02's mother in law. Her daughter, Sarah, Kailee's mom was the host/announcer.
This must be the pageant he referred to where someone threatened their lives. I can't wait to read your recap of this one.
10 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on September 9, 2009 11:12 PM
Gee... I would never expect someone who is benefitting financially from pageants to vehemently defend them. Oh wait, that's right. He was defending the children. Or was it the parents?
/sarcasm
11 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on September 10, 2009 7:07 AM
To shantigal: OH MY GOD, thanks for the head's up on Claw Hair...that is going to be hilarious to see/recap. Nothing like gun totin' tots to liven up the place, either. Kids and guns are always a good mix!
12 of 15 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on September 10, 2009 9:34 AM
What is with these mothers being either
1. Fat and ugly
2. Single?
I mean almost every other week we see a mother who is single. And her kid is usually an only child.The one mom said this week says she doesn't spoil her child but she gives her whatever she wants? Um last I checked lady that IS spoiling,.
And should small children be handling guns? I mean it's a bit dangerous. Even with supervision.
Finally I have not seen ONE child on her with a healthy self esteem. They all say "I am a diva. I want to win.,etc". These kids cry when they lose, and cry even when they win at times. Nothing seems good enough for them
And I am sick to death of these moms insisting their kids LOVE this. They were all started as infants. It's all they know! How can they love something they never were without? They were not given the opportunity to know what's it is like to be normal kid.
13 of 15 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on September 10, 2009 1:47 PM
See, was it that hard to write a review about this and be sorta, complimentary to the kids. This review goes to show you that you can make all your points without putting down the kids or saying negative things about the kids. Well done.
14 of 15 | Posted by vaibanez02 | Posted on September 11, 2009 1:23 PM
Is it just me or did anyone find it creepy where the father in the beginning where the kids are shooting guns, had his hand on his daughters leg? It was a bit too close to her privates! Maybe it is just me but I find that creepy!
15 of 15 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on September 12, 2009 5:39 PM