Hello Gasmii, here we are again, with children competing like racehorses only with more fecal matter. This week we see the Little Miss Georgia Spirit pageant where pageant officials are planning on seeing girls from "all over the state of Georgia." Way to narrow that down, Mensa members. This pageant is a little more low-key, with only about 50 girls participating (do those entry fees even pay for the ballroom rental?) and the big decoration onstage just a lone, white crown on a dark, dark backdrop. Dramatic! And skimpy! I've seen junior high musicals with more scenery, I'm just saying.
Definitely not a Glitz pageant this week.
"We're going to of course be giving away a crown, a trophy, and sash," says one of the pageant directors, Lacey. Sign me up! (you all know my penchant for crowns). She's expecting a lot of great girls and lots of competition, and I'm just hoping there's a backstage fight. Nicholette, the other pageant director, says, "Just because they all have dresses on and they have their hair done, doesn't make them the same." Yeah, they aren't Chinese people, right Nicholette? Jesus.
Over in Buffington, Georgia, we meet Marleigh, 2 years old, the youngest contestant we'll be following this week. "When Marleigh was first born, I told my husband 'Yay, we got us a pageant girl,' " Marleigh's mother Amy says. Well, when I was born my dad said, "Yay, I have a tax write-off!" and I still consider that better than being a pageant girl. Marleigh was in her first pageant at four months, and her mother is just looking for the life skills she can gain. At four months, I'm guessing that involved focusing on big, colorful objects.
"I loved competing in pageants myself," she continues - oh, there it is, continuing the dream via your daughter! Amy says her favorite portion was the talent section where she loved to entertain the crowd. We see pictures of her tap dancing and twirling baton. Is that really entertaining? Maybe if she were tap dancing while twirling a baton that was on fire.
Yes, much better.
Amy tells us Marleigh loves competing, which I doubt since she only seems to know the word, "No." Her mother is in the backyard training her to walk from one "X" to another. Just like a canine agility competition! "No!" Marleigh screams. "You don't want to win a crown?" her mother laments. Clearly she does not. "If Marleigh dudn't [sic] win, it's probably because she throws a fit onstage," her mother says. Actually it's offstage and I would have locked that kid in the trunk by the end of the pageant day. "There's no telling what a two year old will do." Yes there is, all of them do it, it's called act like bloody brats, especially in restaurants when I'm at the table next to them.
I hate you and everything you stand for!
Over in Perry, Georgia, we meet Story (WTF?), age 5, who is tapping a microphone and saying, "Is this thing on?" Oh Lord. She has a portfolio that any pedophile would kill for. Allison, Story's mother, says Story loves being in pageants because she loves being the center of attention. Yeah, that's going to be real fun when she becomes a teenager.
Kids and karaoke. What could be more painful?
"Look at all these trophies, mom," Story says, as they gaze over the kajillion trophies, ribbons, and tiaras Story has scored over her vast career in pageantry. Girl has been in about 20 pageants in 2 years, and oh my God, who has that kind of time and money? She has won "15 or 16" her mother tells us. Well damnation, I'd bet on that horse! Allison says that when Story is older she'll look back on this as something they did together for fun. Or she'll blame you for all of her body issues and eating disorders, same dif. Story says when she wins, she's happy and when she loses she's sad. Wear a cup when you reach junior high because it's devastating low after devastating low. Enjoy!
In Dahlonega, Georgia, we are introduced to Kayleigh, age 6. "I like to be in pageants because we get to dress up," she says. Finally, a kid I can get behind! Someone who is doing it just for the damn fun of it, not because of the scholarship money bullshit, not because it teaches her confidence, for the sheer fun of the fluffy dresses. Amen.
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Comments (15)
Great recap DC - I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that I watch this show, but your recaps make it worthwhile.
I was on the floor when Marleigh Child from Hell's Mom said the pagent days would be over when Marleigh says no more. Ummm, how much more of a NO MORE do you need Mom? Delusional much? Soooo obvious that you are living through your child.
Story was just creepy - I have seen animatronic robots with more natural personality. Here is a child destined to have issues later in life.
LOVED Kayleigh - what a cute and NORMAL kid!
thanks DC!!!
1 of 15 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 10, 2009 7:13 AM
The thing that freaks me out about the pictures of the girls made up. Is the contrast between their faces and their hands. Their faces make them look like they are eightteen year old hookers. But their hands are so tiny and child like-- they match their age. Even explaining this creeps me out.
2 of 15 | Posted by areyoucliff | Posted on February 10, 2009 9:36 AM
Dear Dearcrabby,
Great recap!! I couldn't turn this off, that little robot scary Story had me too afraid to use the remote!!
Did anyone else think that Story's coach Allison looked a lot like Lacey, the red-haired nightmare from Rock of Love? I swear they could be sisters.
Also, that Story walked like she was a "Skipper Doll" from the 60's. The way she walked so stifly and regimented. It's no wonder her smile made her look like she was mad, she hasn't walked normally for her entire life.
I loved Kayleigh. No make-up, no hair pieces. She looks like the kind of little girl that likes a dress that has a good twirl. And isn't that what was really important when we were playing dress up? The twirl was the most important thing.
I also think the "flippers" that some of the kids wear are awful. I think little kids look adorable when they lose their teeth. They all lose them and those flippers make them look like freaks.
Can't wait for next week.
TVannie
3 of 15 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 10, 2009 12:50 PM
I lived in Stone Mountain, Georgia very briefly a long while back....she definitely meant 'no Jew-ry'....
I'm really enjoying the recap, but I don't think I could bring myself to watch this show. Something about snarking at minors...makes me feel icky.
4 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 10, 2009 2:30 PM
This show is recapping gold, and you do not disappoint! These parents are out of thier freaking minds, why are they not in jail?
The Jacquie-O caption was perfect, that kid is adorable.
5 of 15 | Posted by swimbikerun | Posted on February 10, 2009 6:39 PM
The whole time I was watching Story I was seeing a mini Jaime Pressly from My Name is Earl.
6 of 15 | Posted by suziqoregon | Posted on February 10, 2009 8:15 PM
Loved the recap Crabby. The whole Jon Benet tragedy aside, this pageant phenomena is just creepy. I do love the snarking on the delusional parents though, keep up the good work. Please tell me that you wear a tiara while recapping.
7 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on February 10, 2009 8:41 PM
I'm not watching this show (at least not yet), but I am enjoying the recaps. I'm also down with the whole dressing up thing. That is why I am a costumer and do quite a few dress-up type events each year. Oooh! Sparkly! What really bothers me about this is how they take a child who is pretty just as she is and turn her into a 20 year old. If you make them look like a sexual object, they will be treated like a sexual object. It's just gross. It isn't that I am against the pageant system. Hell, I'm from the south and may or may not have participated in a few pageants in my teen years. I'm not telling and if there was any photographic evidence, it has been burned.
Loving the recaps and hoping for more girls like Kayleigh on the show.
8 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 11, 2009 1:42 AM
DearCrabby, honey, I meant to tell you, the first episode recap you did had me laughing so hard every time I read "SHE CRAPS HER PANTS... I THINK SHE'S GONNA BE OKAY WITH IT"... and I think you've got the perfect tone going for these (girl, I am envious of your writing talents!)
I think that creepy photo you saw of the child was likely done by one of many of these really weird photo-retouching groups... there was a famous email that went around a couple of years ago linking to a site that had page upon page of these completely over-photo-shopped children, and it was super creepy. Since then, that website has moved and been slightly altered... if you go visit it at pageantphotoretouching *dot* homestead *dot* com *backslash* pageant_photo_retouching *dot* html the front page has fairly tame 'retouchings" on it... but if you scroll down the page to "View More Retouching Samples" you start to see the creepier effects... and if on that page you scroll down to click to view more, they get even creepieepier. The further in you go, the less human they look, until it's pretty much a case of "We'll turn your child into a plastic babydoll!" These moms that put their 2 year olds through that are guaranteeing themselves an even more hellish teen-time (I think). Let the kids be kids.
Funny-ass recaps, you are awesome!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 11, 2009 8:55 AM
I didn't watch the show, but your recap is hysterical. Do we not understand what "natural" means? And what's with all the "leighs"? I'm glad Kayleigh won, even if she was robbed of her big moment.
J-Mo - Those photos are creepy. The worst was "replace eyes" and "add doll eyes". After seeing the movie "Coraline", those phrases became even ickier. And that poor little boy that they gave spiked hair!
10 of 15 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 11, 2009 10:47 AM
J-Mo - I may never be able to forgive you for that website link. The Children of the Corn photos will be giving me nightmares for days to come - as if this show wasn't creepy enough on it's own.
11 of 15 | Posted by njgasmifan | Posted on February 11, 2009 12:43 PM
Okay, I checked that retouching site out and I'm pretty sure I heard my heart break when I found the picture of Kayleigh. That stupid red hat. Or did I see wrong, I could have sworn it was her at retoucha *dot* html? I watched an episode of this for the first time in the wee hours this morning and it takes a serious amount of window cleaner to get buttercream icing off of a television screen.
12 of 15 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on February 11, 2009 7:48 PM
I cannot understand how women or men WANT to have their little girls' cuteness judged. Gross.
I have a 3 year old babygirl and I don't need to enter her in any freakshow to know that she's the bizomb!
Oh, we're Mexican, and in our culture you get a "Quinceanera" when you turn 15 years old. Coming of age blah, blah.... My niece just had hers and I bought my daughter a long fushia dress to match the Quinceanera party...well, the party was last Saturday and by bedtime I have to wrestle that damn dress off my kid cause she feels like The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, and every other Disney princess when she wears it. I would never change that feeling for any friggin scholarship in the world. She has her brain for that!!!
13 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on February 12, 2009 5:24 PM
p.s. My little girl can't tie her shoes yet she climbs up her closet, takes the dress off the hanger and manages to zip the BACK of the dress up by herself!!!
14 of 15 | Posted by uglycutie | Posted on February 12, 2009 5:28 PM
Oh, DC, I was hanging out for this recap (and then it took me about a week to actually get around to reading it...) but it was sooooooo damn funny and so spot on that I audibly guffawed [AND lol'd!] more than once -- you are the BEST!!
I really gotta tivo this show but I get the impression it's much funnier just reading your snark than actually watching it go down.
Plus, my guy won't watch it with me -- he'll only stoop as low as AM Idol & Rock of Lurve. Meanwhile, Jeopardy and Law n Order are a bit of a staple in this house. God, I feel like a geriatric just reading that (and I only play one on TV - NOT!)
15 of 15 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:32 PM