This week's Toddlers & Tiaras is being hosted at the Bradley International Airport Sheridan hotel in Hartford, Connecticut, so you know it's a quality event because they are offering fast getaway options. Cheryl Powers, this week's pageant director and wallflower du episode, says that the "America's Regal Gems" pageant is "my glitz pageant." Stingy much? Their furthest competitor is coming from Utah, probably because the Mormons don't allow pageants...?
Party hearty, tardies.
The pageant's big title is "Diamond Supreme," and people, for once I'm not loving the crown. It is big, which normally I do love, but it has a design of diamonds in the crown and it sort of looks tacky. It's hard to explain and thanks to the laziness of TLC execs, there aren't any pictures because God forbid they load up the FULL episodes to their website or to iTunes or Amazon.com where I can pay $2 for the privilege of watching their freakshow. Anyhoodle, the winner also receives a $1000 savings bond that can go towards their next Outfit of Choice and a trip for four to Orlando, which is precisely why I don't go to Orlando. Free family trips.
I like the idea of colored rhinestones in a tiara
but to put them in the shape of a diamond...meh.
In Addison, Maine, state motto "Brrr it's freakin' cold in winter," we meet seven year old Elexis who is glittering her hermit crab pets. Where is PETA when you need them? Hope that glues doesn't poison them. She likes to be in pageants because she likes to win and her mother Darlene is her biggest supporter. "Her first steps she ever took were onstage," she says. I'm sure that's a memory that will keep on giving. "She was three years old when she started having her winning streak," Darlene says. Well, nothing like setting her up for failure in the real world!
"She's won a lot of trophies, a lot of crowns, some money," Darlene admits, "which we put towards her college fund." I bet "some money" goes to the Fish Bait Junior College Fund where we may have enough to cover first semester. Personally, I think she's just in it for the glory. "I might leave my crabs at home for the pageant," she says. So they can rest up for your first semester of high school when you infest the boy's basketball team. Good thinking!
Over in Salt Lake City, Utah, we head over towards McMansionville to meet our crazy mother of the episode, Brandie with an I-E and her seven year old daughter/head case Morghan. "I'm Morghan and I can't wait to win a crown at America's Regal Gems," she says presumptuously. "My favorite part is winning. Yeah." Other than her attitude, she looks really cute for a little kid, but don't worry, they'll whore her up.
She seems so cute and normal. Spoiler alert.
"I love my mom," she continues. "It's just sometimes..." uh-oh..."we just fight and get mad at each other." So basically you are like every other mother and daughter in the world? "I like practicing but sometimes it's hard because you have to keep practicing the same thing over and over again." That was circular logic like no other. I think what you meant was, "Practicing sucks!"
They spend so much on pageants they can't even afford walls.
Her mother practices with her. "Remember...hop forward...not like that...no, not like that...hop FORWARD...no, not NOT like that. I said NOT like that...forward. FORWARD...HOP LIKE THAT! Not like a bunny!" Can you imagine what she must be like in bed? Her poor husband.
Don't point that in my face! What kind of husband are you?
POINT IT DOWN! No, that's NOT WHAT SHE SAID.
It's what I said!
"When I don't win, I feel guilty," Morghan says. You know what would help get rid of that feeling? Purging after every meal. You know you want to.
In Brooklyn, New York, we meet Kim and her six year old diva Victoria. Her favorite part of being in pageants is "meeting friends" which I think is code for "cutting those bitches down to size!" When she grows up she wants to be a doctor, hairdresser, singer, rock star, teacher, and veterinarian. Just like Angelina Jolie! And I think they prefer stylist to hairdresser.
Victoria has only been in twelve pageants...amateur! Her mother tells us she's hell on wheels onstage and the camera just loves her. Don't they tell porn stars that too? "When I'm onstage, it feels like I'm special," Victoria says. Don't make me hate you.
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Comments (13)
Oh, you've topped yourself yet again, Crabby. Of course, you have some great material to work with but, man, your recaps are so, so funny.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on August 18, 2009 11:24 PM
Thanks Crabby for recapping this trainwreck. OMG the white girls "dance" was holy inappropriate for a child. The looks on the judges faces were priceless!! And she was noticing the male judge way too much. She is a child, yet she was looking for male attention, she knew to play it up towards the only man on the panel. I think all the pagents should make them have a talent for the whole time, not one little segment. I'd rather see them tap dancing then the cutsey little pouts and blown kisses to the judges. Just my two cents. lol
2 of 13 | Posted by featherhead | Posted on August 19, 2009 5:45 AM
Okay, I always dig your re-caps of this trainwreck, but I just got through page one and I already choked on energy drink TWICE. Those last two picture comments, about the walls and the "That's what she said" made me laugh loud enough that the nearest cube-slave turned around to see what I was doing. Okay, gonna compose myself and finish reading this now.
3 of 13 | Posted by Themiki | Posted on August 19, 2009 6:36 AM
Oh, so it's not that it's that they are kids, it's that most of them don't have the asses to pull it off. Muuuuch better.
Yeah, that was exactly my reaction to the director's comment. Good lord, these people are so delusional. LOVE IT!
4 of 13 | Posted by LeeH | Posted on August 19, 2009 7:52 AM
Morghan (do any of these people know how to spell???) without make-up looks like a female Macaulay Culkin.
5 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on August 19, 2009 8:06 AM
DearCrabby,
What a great recap. I love the comments about Morghan. Everything about her screamed future teenage witch!!
When she dropped her trench coat I thought maybe her dance coach got confused and taught her a few pole dancing moves instead of the usual pageant stuff.
Tonight's pageant, the Gold Coast Fiasco featured a 3 day old baby. I for one think there should be rules about not having newborns in a pageant. I can't imagine any normal person taking their brand new baby to a pageant.
I realize it's not really child abuse, but it should be forbidden. That bothers me more than all the outfits that look like they were bought at Tramps-R-Us.
And by the way, I would never have let my daughter "dirty dance" in a glitter halter top and boots, made up like a hooker with more makeup than anyone should wear in front of anyone not to mention strangers.
Do these Moms ever look at the show and realize that they are dressing their beautiful little girls up like hookers? For God's sake, Morghan's dance was more suggestive than some of the routines done by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!!
Sorry, off the soap box now. thanks for the recap and keep 'em coming.
TVannie
6 of 13 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on August 19, 2009 8:25 PM
Regarding Victoria's hair, I actually believe that, as I was totally there. Parents tend not to want to do the hair of kids with textured hair (or perhaps just mine), so they pay someone else to do it. And, I totally remember the once weekly trips as a kid that morphed into bi-weekly, until I learned to take the reins --
7 of 13 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on August 19, 2009 8:30 PM
Mahvelous DearCrabby. Simply mahvelous and filarious!!! Thank you for the pics too! The makeup/embalming had me giggling like a school girl that turned into braying like a bloody donkey! Then I looked around to see if anyone noticed and hid under my desk til they went away.
8 of 13 | Posted by FancyPants | Posted on August 19, 2009 9:34 PM
I have never seen an episode of this dreck, but if this recap is any indication of what a train wreck it can be, I'm in! I laughed like a crazy woman.
9 of 13 | Posted by ReeseWitherspoon | Posted on August 20, 2009 4:02 AM
What is wrong with these parents? I can't post to the tlc board since they have yet to put it back!
I am sick of seeing parents putting obviously ILL children in a pageant. So they can not only spread their germs to other poor chidlren there but also possibly catch something and make their illness worse!
And putting newborns in a pageant? Did these parents leave their brains at the door when they had kids? A TWO DAY old infant in a pageant? The kid should be at home sleeping,eating and pooping. Not catching a possibly fatal illness!
10 of 13 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on August 21, 2009 10:46 PM
Hi,
the girl who u worte "One girl freaks, has a breakdown, and clutches her mom" that would be my sister, Bridget who was 2 at the time. She is also the girl who is shown in her pink bikni being carried and also in her swimsutie with her friend Sophia. She is also shown when it says pageant day 5am. they show my mom counting money and then the director and they when the director is talking then they do a close up of my sisters face. she looks real diffrent short brown hair and no make-up or hair extensions she has a pink head band in nd a dora baby doll. she did in everything except beauty but now she luvs the stage goes on all by herself without my mom and has a coach, Margie. she copies watever me or my mom do and does great and luvs the stage. she has grown out of the mommy come on satge with me phase and tht was the phase she was in when toddlers and tiaras was at regal gems in march. i just wanted to make sure everyone knos the real story not tht she just had a breakdown. btw she is 3 now and knos wat it takes to win and tht involves no tears
11 of 13 | Posted by pageantsisterx14 | Posted on August 28, 2009 10:49 AM
Hi,
the girl who u worte "One girl freaks, has a breakdown, and clutches her mom" that would be my sister, Bridget who was 2 at the time. She is also the girl who is shown in her pink bikni being carried and also in her swimsutie with her friend Sophia. She is also shown when it says pageant day 5am. they show my mom counting money and then the director and they when the director is talking then they do a close up of my sisters face. she looks real diffrent short brown hair and no make-up or hair extensions she has a pink head band in nd a dora baby doll. she did in everything except beauty but now she luvs the stage goes on all by herself without my mom and has a coach, Margie. she copies watever me or my mom do and does great and luvs the stage. she has grown out of the mommy come on satge with me phase and tht was the phase she was in when toddlers and tiaras was at regal gems in march. i just wanted to make sure everyone knos the real story not tht she just had a breakdown. btw she is 3 now and knos wat it takes to win and tht involves no tears
12 of 13 | Posted by pageantsisterx14 | Posted on August 28, 2009 10:51 AM
Dear Whoever you are:
I ran across your blog of Toddlers & Tiaras through a Google Search and found your blog to be absolutely ridiculous! I will, however, comment on only the comment about myself.
One of the judges says she tough because there are just so many competitors, she has to be. She might consider changing her eyebrows from "painted on surprise" to "normal eyebrows" when she gets a chance. Maybe I shouldn't be so tough, but then I would just hold it inside and die of a heart attack sooner.
My response to you is ... when you have gone through the CANCER treatments that I have gone through and lost most of your hair in clumps and your hair, eyebrows and eyelashes do not grow back ... hmm, talk to me then when YOU have experienced this you senseless piece of work. Yes, more hair grew back (AS THIN AS EVER into BABY FINE almost cotton feel) but my eyelashes were left with many bare holes in the eye lids and my eyebrows grew back halfway across. NO I DID NOT GO OUT AND get FAKE EYEBROWS like some of the kids wear because they wear them only for pageants ... my eyebrows are still growing hopefully but when and if I have a relapse I will lose them again ... NOT that YOU care because all you can do is INSULT someone who is recovering from CANCER!!!! If you ever experience that word yourself personally ... let me know...and I'll give you words of encouragement instead of insults. Hope your happy with your miserable life because I am enjoying LIFE while i have it no matter how my eyebrows look!!!!!!!!!! Yeah you can email your apology to: Fordmodel6@aol.com
13 of 13 | Posted by pageantjudge | Posted on September 30, 2009 8:50 PM