Hard to believe, but this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras takes the cake. A cake topped with rhinestones and filled with raspberry crazy, and so satisfying I almost needed an after-episode cigarette, but I don't smoke so I just drank instead.
Ahoy, Gasmii!
We find ourselves at another Gold Coast pageant, this one located at the Anaheim Park hotel in Fullerton, California, which already makes no sense. Pageant director Barbara Thomas, whose bones are about to turn to dust, tells us the Gold Coast pageants have been going on for 32 years for a total of about 750 pageants. That's a lot of damage.
This pageant is going to include over one hundred contestants, and Barbara tells us it's not just about facial beauty, it's about the SPARKLE! Or Sparkal, as we will soon be grammatically challenged to find out.
Wow. That's some scary sparkle.
The highpoint winner will receive $500 in cash meaning she will still be about $3,267.13 in the hole when this whole fiasco of a wasted weekend is over. "I'd hate to be a judge," she says, "they are going to have a hard time at this one." Why, did someone forget the calculators?
Stay with us Babs.
Encino, California, home of Encino Man (I'm guessing), we meet our first crazy family. Michaela, age 8, will be leading us through this family which is a combination of two of my favorite shows, What Not to Wear and Clean House. Even Niecy couldn't help this hot mess of a decorating nightmare. "I'm going to rock Gold Coast this weekend," Michaela tells us. Yes, and I'm going to rock the sofa as a couch potato this weekend. Does anyone on this show not ROCK something?
Michaela's Lesbian Dad
"You know what we need to do?" Michaela's mother Margaux asks her. Uh, slap that midsection into some Spanx? I mean, I'm familiar with a poochie belly but I P90 that baby six times a week (I haven't graduate to the "X" yet). "We're adventurous in this family," she says. Please keep your sex life out of this. "We do like to do things a little different than the average family likes to do." That's because the average family doesn't surround itself in a Pirates of the Caribbean by La-Z-Boy.
Steve, the captain of this ship of doom, tells us that they love pirate stuff. They have skull and crossbones, ships, swords, a skeleton hand, and pirate paraphernalia everywhere. I get nervous about having too many seashells in my bathroom, but yes, this whole Captain Hook look is really awesome in house form.
"I've been doing pirate stuff in pageants for two years," Michaela says, standing in front of a skull and crossbones - with a bow on the skull head. Yes, MUCH better. Although, gotta hand it to her, it is unusual. Dad Steve says he's sure they've gotten some "funny looks." Yes, and probably not just because of the pirate thing. "They're thinking, 'What are you thinking?' " he says, "and I'm thinking, 'No, what are you thinking?'" I'm thinking I'd better find my Excedrin migraine meds right now.
"When pageants meet pirate, you end up with a glam pirate," Margaux says. Or just people who prefer not to live among those of us in the real world. Which, I kind sort of understand. Sometimes it sucks here.
It's all fun and games til the Navy takes your ass out.
In Las Vegas, we meet the grammatical nightmare of the episode, Sparkal Queenz, who is seven. Sparkal. Queenz. That's not even her porn name, that's just her name! For real! Way to make sure she's answering the phones at the weave shop in the strip mall for the rest of her life. "I'm ready to live up to my name," she says. Don't worry, you will.
Sparkal and her dolls Shyne, Stahr, and Raneboe'
Her mother, Harmonee' with an apostrophe for no reason (so it's Harmonee''s when possessive? LORD!), tells us she was named Sparkal because when she was born, she had to decide between Sparkal and Brooklyn (Brooklyn Queenz? Brilliant, you MORONS!), and Sparkal looked at her and blinked her eyes several times. Why didn't you just call her Batty? Sparkal has only done three pageants so far, probably because when they are searching for them on the internet they are looking under "Pajents" instead of pageants.
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Comments (24)
Wow...just...wow
1 of 24 | Posted by fawm316 | Posted on September 23, 2009 8:25 AM
Where is the asshat that was on the board trying to defend this crap? Are you kidding me?? I never actually watched the show. I only read the recaps. Well unfortunately I was bored and decided to check the show out. I thought, "It can't be as bad as how it sounds in the recaps". Well I was wrong. It is actually worse.
First off to the mom that named her kid "Sparkal", basically you guaranteed her to a life of stripping and/or porn. I think if the kid ends up working in the weave shop she is lucky.
Second as the poster above said, "Wow...just wow" I couldn't have said it better.
This show is just sick and sad.
2 of 24 | Posted by Baxter | Posted on September 23, 2009 8:52 AM
Why is it that a majority of the pageant mothers are seemingly attractive women if not for the large amount of weight? I sense that they push their daughters into these financially draining pageants to vicariously recapture their glory days, as opposed to living their own lives.
I felt that these children were partially normal, if not for their parents. All 3 showed hints of normalcy.Parenting-wise the pirate parents and the Queenz' appeared more balanced than Cassidy's mom. However, I totally felt bad for Cassidy. Her mother bribes her and then makes her feel terrible about her skin color. This kid will never feel comfortable about her natural skin tone if her mother forces her to endure 5 separate tanning sprays.
I thought Sparkal rocked the bathing suit competition, but Cassidy clearly owned the talent portion. Sparkal had a decent voice – but, as most pageants are more about 'personality' than talent, if she had pulled off a bit more 'strut' and had undergone a bit more voice training I think she would've been fine.
3 of 24 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on September 23, 2009 9:05 AM
Sparkal has only done three pageants so far, probably because when they are searching for them on the internet they are looking under "Pajents" instead of pageants.
Hilarious!!
4 of 24 | Posted by tommysgrl | Posted on September 23, 2009 9:17 AM
I actually watched this one, and I could swear when Cassidy was talking about popping the balloon what she said was, "At least it wasn't the winner..." That kid is gonna give me nightmares.
5 of 24 | Posted by themiki | Posted on September 23, 2009 9:47 AM
themiki:
I thought she said "At least it wasn't the winner" too.
Great recap as always, DearCrabby!
6 of 24 | Posted by krock21 | Posted on September 23, 2009 10:08 AM
The closed captioning also captioned it as "at least it wasn't the winner".
As for Julie/batshit... wow. I cant even elaborate... just wow.
7 of 24 | Posted by kara | Posted on September 23, 2009 10:23 AM
I think that Batshit was on another show - it was a documentary by A&E on pageants and her daughter was older. I swear that it was her. She was kooky on that show too.
Loved the recap - you are one of my favorites!
8 of 24 | Posted by pepita6334 | Posted on September 23, 2009 10:52 AM
Unbelievable. I thought this show was crazy before, but this takes the cake. Poor Cassidy - she has no hope of turning out normal with that crazy mom. Her behavior is truly alarming.
I liked the pirate family. They're a little unconventional, but they're loving and their daughter will probably be a funky and good kid as a teen. I was psyched that she won.
What can you say about Sparkel?? Pathetic name. She'll have to change it if she ever wants to be a CEO. And the fact that her mother can't see the problem with putting her on YouTube in suggestive clothes is SO disturbing. Has anyone tried looking those vidoes up? I think I'll try now.
GREAT recap!! "banished her to a life of part time jobs and baby daddies" Hilarious!
9 of 24 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on September 23, 2009 11:20 AM
After this episode I so wished that this show was scripted reality. But its not. Its not and I am afraid. Its true this is how serial killers and strippers are made.
10 of 24 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on September 23, 2009 12:03 PM
I am horrified at Sparkal's mom and what she is doing to that child. That child is a pedophile's dream. Dressing her up like that and then putting her on youtube is a tragedy waiting to happen!
And the other little girl? She needs either a good smack in the backside, and I am against spanking! Or she needs ritalin and fast! Kids with ADHD should not be homicidal!
11 of 24 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on September 23, 2009 1:23 PM
Crabby, I love your recaps. I stopped watching this show because, while funny, I hate to think about the futures of some of these kids. I just can't watch it without feeling the overwhelming need to rip out my ovaries. Especially when a little terror like Cassidy comes along. TG I didn't watch this one, although it certainly seems to prove the point that the Wild West is alive and well. (At least until Cassidy kills it.) As usual, Crabby, you hit the nail on the head with your recap. I feel really bad for laughing so hard (but I'll get over it).
When the piratophile family from Encino is the *normal* family being portrayed by this show, good Lord help us all. I really liked Michaela and her family, the Coons. I suppose they are Bu-Coon-eers? Sorry, but I bet they use that one all the time. It must have occurred to them.
Sparkal Queenz? Harmoonee' was clearly getting even with her parents by providing her own daughter with an equally ridiculous name, dooming her to a life without preprinted key chains and rainbow pencils from Disneyland. And possibly stripperdom.
It's probably a good thing Harmonee' and her stupid useless apostrophe decided against Brooklyn, given she probably would have spelled it "Broy'klynne" or something equally likely to get the poor girl thrown into a detainment camp by an overzealous Brooklynite Port Authority agent upon arriving in a NYC airport.
Speaking of detainment camps, people like Jamie Sterling and Batshit Crazy need to be sent to one as far away from their power kids as possible. Cassidy is still young enough to make a turn around -- all five of her personalities.
12 of 24 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on September 23, 2009 2:35 PM
When they said "glam pirate" did anyone else think of Captain Shakespeare (Robert DeNiro) from Stardust? 'Cause I just couldn't get him out of my mind but I thin he is quite sparkly. Sparkaly. Whatever.
Watch bQKrgi2PMz8 on youtube.
13 of 24 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on September 23, 2009 2:49 PM
Excellent recap as always, Crabby! She totally said "winner", I actually felt a little queasy every time that little monster came on the screen. And her mother! My poor neighbours had to listen to the things I was shouting at her (at pretty much the same times you were as it turns out).
The pirate family reminded me a little of the family with the snakes last season. It's nice to see the quirky kids get a little recognition, especially if they look like they're actually enjoying it. After seeing Nasty Brat, Michaela was a welcome relief.
This episode was upsetting so I think I'm going to grab my tiara and a glass of wine, sit on the porch and watch my welfare mom neighour's kids playing tag on the lawn. Try to convince myself that Batshit Julie is the exception.
14 of 24 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on September 23, 2009 4:02 PM
I went and looked at the SPARKAL videos on youtube. Seeing a six/seven year old lip syncing to Paper Planes by M.I.A. was bad but watching Sparkal have play money thrown all over her was worse. Ever heard the term, "Making it rain on them hoes"? it is when stupid rich guys throw a bunch of money all over the entertainers ample body in the club. Grossly inapropriate! Worse than having her lip sync a song about selling pot and moving product. Geez.
15 of 24 | Posted by belladivision | Posted on September 23, 2009 5:32 PM
DearCrabby I bow to the Queen. I was laughing so hard, my husband could hear me while he was taking a shower. He came and asked what I was watching and all I could do was point at my laptop.
I watched this show and am terrified of Cassidy. I look forward to eventually seeing her on Cops and then maybe someday on Parole Board.
And how about Sparkal? We won't be seeing her on ESPN's coverage of the National Spelling Bee. However I have a feeling that sometime in the future somewhere, an announcer will be saying "And now gentlemen, on stage 2, Sparkal. Get your dollar bills ready!" What on earth makes people think they can add consonants without repercussions!! Seriously, do you think Sparkal will run for Congress? The only thing worse would be if they named her Flushing Queenz instead of Brooklyn.
I can't comment on Michaela's parents. I'm a big JImmy Buffett fan and once a year I go to Alpine Valley to see him and ...you don't want to know the rest, but trust me the pirate thing is nothing compared to what I've seen there.
Keep on writing Crabby. You sure know how to recap the Hell out of a TV show. Awesome job.
TVannie
16 of 24 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on September 23, 2009 6:49 PM
The only problem is that the recaps are so funny it makes me want to watch this dreck.
17 of 24 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 23, 2009 11:31 PM
Unfortunately, I can't seem to find where I can watch these episodes. :( I even tried the TLC site but they only have the first couple of episodes from the first season. Itchy... hook me up!
But even without being able to watch, I do enjoy the recaps. Thanks DearCrabby!
And I have a confession. I've actually toyed with making a few of these pageant dresses and putting them on ebay. LOL!
18 of 24 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on September 24, 2009 4:02 AM
That should say "...toyed with the idea of..." I haven't actually made any.
19 of 24 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on September 24, 2009 4:03 AM
I wish I could, Snootch, but TNT appears to have been overlooked by the P2P world so I guess we all just need a bit more TLC. WTF? LOL.
20 of 24 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 24, 2009 4:45 AM
I record this show (I can't get enough of train wreck shows) but I haven't yet seen this episode. Hilarious recap Dear Crabby!! And I echo the only thing one can say after reading this:
Wow. Just...wow.
21 of 24 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on September 24, 2009 7:25 AM
For the past few seasons, I, too, have been totally addicted to this train wreck of a show. Just too many shiny objects for me to turn my eyes away. ;-) However, Batshit and Cassidy were the worst I've seen since I've been watching. Every time they came on screen, my jaw just dropped in horror.
I liked the pirate family and I thought Michaela did the best in the talent portion (at least, of what we were shown)...
Sparkal Queenz? REALLY!? Nuff said!
Dear Crabby, thanks so much for recapping this!!! Hilarious, as always!!!
22 of 24 | Posted by lrhflute | Posted on September 25, 2009 10:15 AM
Just watched the new episode. Those mothers were slightly better, but the kids were a bit high and mighty. When that lad
y said "My daughter wanted to quit and the age of 5 and you know I just spent all this money on it and she gave me NO reason why she wanted to stop" I wanted to say "She's a KID who wants a life!. That is why" and why does a 5 year old need to give a reason?!
23 of 24 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on October 1, 2009 12:35 AM
Dear Crabby & Gasmii--
Julie Blair/Batshit Crazy is even more whorifying than all of you know! Pepita is absolutely right-- Batshit was featured in the A&E expozay from the late 90's called "Baby Beauty Queens".
One of the girls was around 14 and named Jenny Foster. She was a spunky, average-looking teen who loved doing "Pro-Am" modeling onstage, which is this over-the-top, very athletic runway walk/posing style. Her mother was Batshit Crazy!
On this show, Batshit & Jenny had a close relationship and were the white-trash underdogs up against more traditional pageant girls and moms. The kicker was this: Jenny had cystic fibrosis and required frequent treatments to loosen the mucus in her lungs. She was prone to horrible coughing fits and used a feeding tube at night.
Discovering that Jenny had this fatal disease was shocking and heartbreaking for the viewer. Batshit's behavior and protectiveness suddenly made perfect sense. She was trying to make the last years of Jenny's life fun and meaningful, indulging her dream of being a model/singer/superstar. We forgave Batshit for her nasty attitude when Jenny bombed and only got a piddly little crown and a lame award. At the end of the show, the narrator told us Jenny had died.
Which brings us to today. Batshit obviously had another kid a short time after Jenny's death, and is now trying to mold Cassidy in her dead daughter's image! On top of that, Batshit's outrageously awful behavior is proof that she's gone completely nuts. It's like a creepy Gothic horror story!
I'm not sure how easy it is to find "Baby Beauty Queens" on YouTube. But if you search for "jenny foster", there are several videos.
Thanks for the amazing recaps every week, Crabby. You are wonderful. Please check out mine-- I do MELROSE PLACE and REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA.
besos,
LLB
24 of 24 | Posted by leia labiblia | Posted on October 5, 2009 12:19 AM