Hello Gasmii, welcome back to another episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! This episode takes us to the Miss Tiny USA (please let it be for fat kids!) in the fine city of Laurel, Mississippi. Damn, I'm going to be singing that M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I song through this whole recap! Pageant Director Darla Bailey, the second wife of George Bailey, who remarried quickly after Donna Reed started her own show, tells us that the "Tiny Miss USA is a title girls like to win." So is the title Mrs. Bon Jovi!
Nice extensions!
"This pageant is patterned after the Miss USA pageant, where you do an evening gown and swimsuit," Darla tells us. So is every other pageant, dumbass. And what about talent? Doesn't the Miss USA pageant still include someone singing or answering questions about how not conflicted they are about gays getting married? And is it different from the Miss America pageant? I get so confused as to which one Trump has fixed.
Darla says, "Mississippi girls are some of the best," as the brilliant TLC editors show us a kid picking her nose. I bet she picked that just for us. "When they go to compete, they go to win," she finishes. That's because they aren't going to read or learn about sex ed, thanks high illiteracy and pregnancy rates (and yes, I did have to spell-check illiteracy, the irony pains me). Then we see a little kid "walking" (she's like 2) with a huge trophy as big as she is, and all I can think is she's going to poke an eye out, and I don't even like kids so I shouldn't care but here we are.
Are they finally allowing the contestants to drink at these things or what?
Over in "historic" Laurel, Mississippi (meaning they are still bitter about that whole war of northern aggression thing), we meet five year old Bayleigh who should really PUT THAT DOG DOWN RIGHT NOW! She says, "ALMLDalskdoweip:LZ;ljs;dlfkj;asl and I'm ready to go FULL GLITZ." She likes being in pageants because they give out crowns and sashes and roses, oh my. Well, at least she didn't give us that self-esteem bullshit.
Bayleigh's mother Brooklyn (Queenz? Wouldn't that be hilarious?) tells us that Bayleigh (and God, how irritating is typing that going to get? I now re-name thee Bay!) has been competing for a year and in that time she's completed 30 pageants. I'd be more impressed if she had completed 30 Ironmans, but whatever floats your boat down the Mississip. Bay has supremed in 10-12 pageants, her mother tells us. Well, which is it, ten or twelve? Don't you write this down in your diary?
I would count the trophies, but I can't see that high. Neither can poor Bay. Get the girl a ladder or something!
Brooklyn tells us that winning is addictive, just like crack or George Clooney, and that they wouldn't continue to do these pageants if she didn't place so well. Well no shit! Who keeps at a hobby or sport if they don't continue to improve in some way? That's why juvenile diabetes is up - today's kids suck at everything except sitting in front of the TV. Doyeee, it's always easier to be a quitter! Second only to recapper! Where's my insulin?
"What does mommy always say?" Brooklyn asks in the typical third-person mom way. Bay says, "It hurts to be beautiful." If you were a fist's throw away from me, you don't know how true that would be, you boneheads. Bay says she thinks she's going to win this weekend because she always wins. No, you "win" about 30% of the time, you just get a sash and crown EVERY time. Big diff.
Over in Greenville, Mississippi, just past the casino we meet not the bat-shit mom of the episode, but Harboring Some Strong Anger at Something mom. Seven year old Mckenzie tells us her favorite crown is the one shaped like a castle which she likes because she's a princess. You know my love for the tiaras but this one looks like glitter and cardboard...tsk, tsk little Chinese kids who made this!
It's a recession. Just get some of those crowns from Burger King and let's all put some money away.
"I am going to take the title at Tiny Miss USA," Mckenzie says. You may want to lose that masculine vibe you've got going, kid. I see that your mom is sporting the hips of a softball coach/golf teacher, but damn. Kim, Mckenzie's mother, says that her daughter is a "hot mess." Uh, that's the term we use for the girl at work who doesn't shower. For days.
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Comments (12)
Kragen? Like Captain Kragen on Law & Order?
1 of 12 | Posted by fineprint | Posted on October 7, 2009 10:35 AM
Kragen. Who comes up with these names?
I could think of nothing but the Kraken from Pirates of the Caribbean. Just ick.
2 of 12 | Posted by realitee | Posted on October 7, 2009 10:43 AM
I was thinking more like "Kragen" Auto Parts. Two dollars that she was conceived in the back of a Chevy.
Photo captions were awesome this week!
And thanks for the Favre comment... Had me rolling!
3 of 12 | Posted by miss delight | Posted on October 7, 2009 12:49 PM
I was so lost in the thought of the Kraken that I forgot my original post...
I may be crazy (well I am but whateves) but when Kragen's mom was talking about how they really wanted to get their hands on one of those supercool Tiny Miss USA crowns - did anyone notice that they already had one on the shelf? I replayed it a couple of times to confirm.
Maybe this is a second time through at this pageant for them but since she didn't win this time so it doesn't seem to be an editing whoops...
4 of 12 | Posted by realitee | Posted on October 7, 2009 1:54 PM
This has to be about the 7th or 8th McKenzie, Mackensy, McKillme they've had featured. They're all interchangeable at this point. I'm pretty sure that Anna Nicole Eden was in an episode last season.
Crabby - are you recapping King of the Crown? You just have to, have to, have to. Have you seen it? I thought about you the entire episode. The first one featured the infamous former Miss Teen South Carolina - "such as Iraq". Please tell me you'll be recapping. Nobody does it better.
5 of 12 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on October 7, 2009 6:20 PM
I just wanted to let you know how much I have LOVED reading your recaps over the past couple of days. I have cackled more than once. Great job!
6 of 12 | Posted by kim.minus.70 | Posted on October 8, 2009 10:07 AM
LOVE the recap! I wish TLC had explained why those two mothers didn't like each other. Have they just seen each other at other pageants? Did they ever have a fight? What's the deal?
I thought Bay and McKensie were both very cute, but there is something funny looking about Kragen. I hate to tell her mom, but I don't see Miss USA in her future. Of course, what do I know? And I'm sure that Eden kid was on a past episode.
YES, you have to recap King of the Crown!!! I watched the first one and I can't believe how DUMB that SC girl is!! Of course, she's beautiful so what does she care. But can't she read a newspaper now and then?
7 of 12 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on October 8, 2009 10:26 AM
"... $600 minus $1225 equals you are a f#cking moron."
Crabby, I think I love you.
8 of 12 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on October 8, 2009 1:53 PM
What is up with the parents pouring Mountain Dew and sweets down their kids to make them preform? I mean in this weeks episode,we had a 5 year old chugging mountain Dew and another mother bribing her kid with a brownie? Seeing some of the kids in the pageant who were obese? I can see why! I mean do these kids actually eat any realy food?
And is taking your kid of her medication for a pageant really smart? It might have actually helped her to focus and not go ballistic over her hair! And the mom? Oh my god she was seriously nuts!
9 of 12 | Posted by elmopalooza | Posted on October 9, 2009 12:01 AM
I haven't been able to watch these so have been living off of the recaps, but there was definitely an Eden a few episodes ago. She was the one with the mother who was obsessed and spent like $5000 on every pageant. The kid had enormous E (and the init of the last name) on her closet doors too.
I can understand why some of the moms don't like each other. There are apparently forums for pageants/pageant moms and they rip into each other and the kids. I guess there are some pretty nasty flame wars there.
Thanks for another great recap. I think I will go put on my tiara now.
10 of 12 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on October 9, 2009 5:14 AM
I would also like to know why the two moms disliked each other. I also find it disturbing that Mtn Dew and Pixie sticks are dumped into these kids.
The kid who liked to dig poop out of her butt....just plain nasty!!
11 of 12 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on October 11, 2009 9:40 PM
Did you know that if Bon Jovi was a Count, he'd be Baron John von Bon Jovi?!
now, reading on...
12 of 12 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 13, 2009 5:07 PM