Aloha Gasmii! This luau of Toddlers & Tiaras comes straight from Honolulu, Hawaii, host of the "America's Fabulous Faces" beauty pageant. Pageant Director Marcy Stoehr, code name for "Sally Struthers," is the co-director of the pageant. Clearly the other co-director knew better than to be on camera. The pageant has been around 13 years, but this is the first year they went to Hawaii, probably because they couldn't afford vacations in this economy so they decided to combine work and pleasure into one big tax write-off.
I think had the WHOLE PACKAGE...of oreos!
This competition has about 100 girls competing in beauty, swimsuit, and talent. The winner receives a $1000 savings bond (boring! How about a $1000 DSW gift card?), crown, sash, and banner (?). "All you need is a beautiful face," Sally Struthers tells us. FINALLY, someone admits it's all about the face, not the - say it with me - WHOLE PACKAGE.
There's only one rule. Don't be ugly. And keep your spirit to yourself.
First up, we meet Aaliyah Hiuhiu-Martinez, age 5. Dang, say that name 3 times real fast. Aaliyah introduces herself and says she looks like a "beauty princess." Okay, kid is cute. Her mother, Nicole, introduces Aaliyah as a "tropical island pageant princess." Well, which is it? Beauty or Tropical Island Princess? Already I'm confused and I've only had two shots of tequila.
Nicole tells us that Aaliyah is pretty well known on the Hawaiian pageant circuit, and my first thought is well duh, so is someone who competes in Rhode Island. I mean, you are talking about pretty small pageant communities here, Nicole. Want me to hold the reins while you get off your pineapple? "She's probably won between 30 and 50 titles," Nicole says. "She's the one to beat." I bet you do when she doesn't win! Whack!
Sorry, no baldies.
Aaliyah is practicing her hula dance which normally I'd make fun of for being too sexy, but it is Hawaii, what else are they going to do? Nicole tells us that Aaliyah is good in pageants because she practices a lot and she puts in 100%. Hmm....lots of practicing and 100% - not 110%, not "over 100%." We may have a smart mother-daughter combo here. Stop the insanity!
"I practice all day to go on stage to be sassy," Aaliyah says. "And pretty." As you get older, you won't have to practice to be sassy...incompetent bosses make it come naturally. Just make sure to be sassy under your breath and after they leave your office.
"It's fun to see my beautiful daughter onstage, and everyone in awe of her," Nicole says. You might consider eating some hubris with your poi, Nicole. "I would love to see her in Hollywood," Nicole says, "with her own star on the sidewalk." Why not give her some chalk and let her go to town in your neighborhood? Done and done!
This picture alone is ten steps up in class level than every other episode of the season. It's jarring.
Never mind.
In Pearl City, Hawaii, we meet nine year old Jessie Bentley as she walks into a tattoo parlor. She introduces herself as a "pretty princess." Yes, because "ugly princess" is so gauche. Her mother, BJ, asks her what kind of tattoo she wants and I'm praying to God Hawaii has an age limit for those things. "My extremely talented daughter Jessie is going to shine at Fabulous Faces," she says so stiltedly for someone named BJ.
Jessie gets a crown tattooed on her, and it turns out it's a fake tattoo done by the shop's owner who also happens to be Jessie's dad. BJ explains that Jessie is the one who got her involved in pageants even though she thought Jessie should play sports. Golf and softball, I'm guessing, from the vibe BJ is giving off. "The same thing that I did when I was growing up." Uh-huh.
Dave, Jessie's dad and faux-tattoo go-to guy says he's not into pageants because they seem "superficial." You mean like the ink that sits on top of your epidermis? "But if that's what they want to do, that's what they want to do." Thanks, Confucius.
Jessie says what she likes best about pageants is feeling like Cinderella. You can feel that way just by dressing up and it won't cost as much as pageants. Jessie admits the tattoo is fake and she'll have to take it off before the pageant. The key is that dad's shop, TNT TATTOO, got their advertisement in, even if it was on TLC.
Nice to see Perez Hilton settled down.
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Comments (4)
DearCrabby, again, you are the best! Thaks for perking up my swine fluy day! I did almost hurl at the turd in a punchbowl pic, so i tots appreciate not showing the hillbilly teeth.
1 of 4 | Posted by whoochile | Posted on October 14, 2009 7:49 AM
Darling DearCrabby, again your recap ROCKED! Although I could have done without the visual and kept the "...turd in the punchbowl" as just a saying.
LMAO at the Sally Struthers similarity! And those editors at TLC are getting better... I too thought "its the damn Mountain Dew you keep plowing into her!" and then they graced us with that nice shot. Mountain Dew seems to be a common upper around pagents there. I guess if it rots their teeth, they've got the flipper.
Thanks for letting us know about the Man I Would Most Like to Nominate For Loyal Husband of the Year Award.I left a comment for barrysterling. Poor Mr. Sterling. I feel sorry for him, I do. Glad his girls have him.
2 of 4 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on October 14, 2009 9:06 AM
In some ways, these were some of the saner moms shown on this series. At least they aren't deluding themselves about prize money, scholarships, or how the girls gain confidence (for the most part). Withholding meds and pumping them full of Mountain Dew? Not so sane.
Little Jessie would be better off playing a sport. Then she could actually gain confidence and earn real scholarship money for college. If she's as uncoordinated as you said, though, Crabby, maybe not.
3 of 4 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on October 15, 2009 12:08 AM
Being a loyal husband is great, but I'd like and respect Mr. Sterling a lot more if he'd be a good father and put a stop to his girls being pitted against each other by their mother.
4 of 4 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on October 15, 2009 12:10 AM