Sweet, merciful, crap! Just when you think it can't get any worse, they whip out false teeth for kids to get them through those awful Tooth Fairy years! But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's back up.
Yep, that looks about right.
I almost deleted this episode from my DVR because it was about the Universal Royalty Pageant, the very first pageant I recapped. However, this was a different one that must have been filmed the previous year because it didn't contain the mom-portion of the pageant, and because one of our favorites makes an appearance. I can't tell you who, but it looks like she's a little younger and her posing-as-a-hetero-dad seems to have more hair.
Guess who's coming to Austin!
We begin this Universal Royalty Pageant with someone's voice-over telling us pageantry is "a sport." If this ever ends up an Olympic sport...well, Curling did, and how can we defend that?
Let's meet our freakshow contestants and their nutcase parents. Pageant director tells us there are a bunch of new girls competing but there will also be "professional girls" as well. Hookers at the Universal Royalty Pageant? I guess the recession is hitting everywhere.
"These kids are coming to win a thousand dollars cash. It might be their moment, it might not be, you never know," pageant director says. Yes, just like it might be my moment to crash my car, it might not. It might be my moment to choke on yet another bag of lime Tostitos while watching Intervention (unemployment keeps me very busy), or it might not be. It's like she's a human horoscope.
We begin this week's train wreck in Merkel, Texas, one week before the pageant. Here at the community center we meet Karlee, 7, who wants to be a cheerleader because, "I like to show my belly and that's what they do." I swear to God, I had to run the DVR back, hit closed-captioning because I wasn't sure if what I heard was right. Yes, young Karlee has lofty goals of being a trampy cheerleader. Well, you're in Texas, Karlee, so practice up! There's lots of competition!
"Karlee's a competitor," her mother and soon-to-be alibi says. "Everything she's done she's won." You mean like everybody-gets-a-ribbon day? She is practicing with her coach and walking very awkwardly for a human being, but perfect for a pageant doll. Her mother says the day she doesn't want to do pageants, they'll stop. I think we've heard this song and dance before!
Could someone please pull
the cord on my back again?
Karlee takes us on a tour of her room where she shows us her 23 trophies and her talking baby doll. She says when she grows up she wants her babies to do pageants "because they're really fun and they get to do what their mama says." Yeah, cause doing what your mother says is super-fun. Karlee and I are very different people.
Karlee's mother tells us it's important to tan right before a pageant since it only lasts a few days. At least she doesn't shove her into a coffin-esque tanning bed, she has her spray tan instead. Also, Karlee's mom? Put a seatbelt on your kid when you drive, because tanning only lasts a few days but brain damage from hitting the windshield lasts forever.
Over at the salon, Karlee and her friend Lexi are getting tanned in the booth. Karlee handles it pretty well, but her friend freaks out and cries like a baby, much like I did the first time I spray-tanned. Basically, you are naked (the kids wear bathing suit-like things, don't panic) in a dark, cold booth, then you hit a button and get hosed with a very loud sprayer, and it's hard to breathe. Basically, it's like going through the birth canal except you are very aware. Luckily, no one smacks your ass at the end!
It's the real world, get used to it!
Over in San Jose, California, we meet Bella (pronounced Bay-uh) we see her mother washing a hairpiece in the sink. Or it's some kind of animal. Bella is five years old and has been on the pageant circuit for uh, five years.
Bella in the Universal Zygote Pageant.
She is actually going to the Texas beauty pageant which sounds really cost-effective for a five year old. Apparently it started with her brother Luis first, but then he got tired of it and the mother began living vicariously through her daughter instead.
I think Kitty is dead!
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Comments (13)
This show is so disturbing on so many levels. I hope that these kids grow up with enough common sense to realize that their Moms (and Dad) are insane. Otherwise, they are going to end up on meth and robbing the Quick-E mart before they're 18.
Thanks for the hilarious recap, though! Love the zygote joke.
1 of 13 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:04 AM
Yeah, unfortunately my roomie and I both recalled that they actually showed this show LAST year as a standalone pageant program. We were like, 'yeah, remember that one little girl goes completely flatline on stage, and the other one doesn't wear the flipper they were making such a big deal about, and the one girl wants a cow, which is cool...' So I am terrified to admit that I actually remembered seeing this program before.
Wow, the Brionna-mom Gestapo interrogation was absolutely hair-raising. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear Dear Crabby, I love your recaps -- you ARE going to also do "Little Miss Perfect" which starts tomorrow (18th) on WE, right? Please! If your head won't explode from doing two child pageant shows at once.
2 of 13 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 17, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi Killbondnow - I am not recapping Little Miss Perfect although I was bummed when that came out as well...so many train wrecks, so little time! (I also write the Ugly Betty recap, just FYI). Thanks for your nice note!
3 of 13 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:24 PM
DearCrabby, hilarious recap!! Supersize nuggets? I almost wet my pants. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking her weight was out of control.
And the Michael Flores dude totally reminds me of the pedophile judge from Drop Dead Gorgeous - if you haven't ever seen it, check it out. It is so freaking funny.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I love your work, thanks for the giggles!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 13 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 17, 2009 3:55 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap. I was laughing outloud.
I completely agree with your comment about letting that poor 4 year old sleep instead of making her practice all night. No wonder she just stood there, she was probably too tired to move.
Why are all the Mom's such a mess? Most of them don't look like they even shower. I mean I get the whole giving up stuff for your kids, but take a shower, comb your hair and try to wear something other than sweats and a tank top.
I guess they feel invisible when they are with their daughters who are wearing 10 pounds of synthetic hair and more make-up than the entire road company of "Cats".
What we need is a pageant for all of the Moms.
TVannie
5 of 13 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:13 PM
It's your fault, crabby, that I came across this show and actually watched the damn thing so I'd enjoy the humor of your recaps/deconstrucions even more. So I'll probably get hooked. Rot in hell! But sit next to me and make fun of all the fat pageant mommies there.
6 of 13 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 18, 2009 11:34 AM
DearCrabby... I am in love with you for pulling an awesome joke out of the word "zygote" (which is one of my favorite words!). I'm loving your take on this terrible bunch of child-abuse, and can't wait for next week's episode!
love, J-Mo :)
7 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 18, 2009 12:29 PM
Is this a one-off or not? I just watched a version that's been on youtube for a while -- it seems to follow this recap pretty closely.
Maybe they've decided to build an entire series around all the footage they shot?
I like it that ALL of the moms (with the exception of deep-voiced daddy mom) are obese trainwrecks. Living the dream through your kids, much?
You'd think lesbian mom would be a bit more self-aware about heaping all that guilt on a 4 year old.
Wish there was some kind of flash-forward machine to see what happens to these poor kids in the future. Wouldn't that be fun?
I mean, you know Bella is already scarred -- the way she broke down at the end, snivelling because she 'got the money back'...no wonder she's already a porker at 5 years old.
And what's the deal with making the kids hold up their money fans like that? Are those their new price tags?
8 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 1:10 AM
itchy: It's for the pageant publicity photos. They sell plastic 'money fan holders' for that purpose.
DC: I am tempting you once more -- last night on "Little Miss Perfect" the over-the-top gay emcee/host said "this is a day the winner will reference for the rest of her life." 'Reference.' We literally watched the repeat because we couldn't believe we'd heard that right -- we did.
I think it's amusing that Florida won't let gays marry, but apparently it's quite OK to let the gay man croon romantically to your six-month-old baby. Or six-year-old daughter. As someone in a same-sex relationship I found this ironically amusing. When he got to the lyric (of the official pageant song he obviously wrote himself, for his pageant) about "citrus-colored rainbows" it was spit-take-o-rama around here...
9 of 13 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:38 PM
"... the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way)."
a-HA! So you *DO* recap wearing a sparkly tiara!
That's ahhhsome.
10 of 13 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:18 PM
"I'm a seatbelt Nazi..."
I'm glad there is now a term for that because I definitely am one, too.
Parents, get REAL! Or is (not-so)natural attrition part of your family plan?!
11 of 13 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:25 PM
I have two daughters (ages 14 and 5) in Pageants and I think they are a great way for girls to dress up and have a good time. Both my girls love this show, because they like to compare dresses and routines with the girls on the show.
In this specific episode, I really liked Bella and Karlee; Aja and Brionna not so much. Neither of them were very pretty or well trained, and their costumes and hair and makeup weren't very good. Pink was a good color for Brionna, but Aja's dress looked badly made and she really should have worn a short dress.
Aja's comment about "Most girls that are six or nine they will want a phone" I wouldn't make assumptions, sweetie. My five year old, Ryleigh, won 10,000 a few months ago and I told her she could pick something to buy and she bought bright pink lipstick and a bright pink extension from claires.
12 of 13 | Posted by kayden102 | Posted on January 25, 2010 2:03 PM
Kayden102
What you just said about Aja and Brionna is what is so grotesque about glitz pageants. What do you mean they weren't very cute?
Do you have that lovely attitude at pageants?
13 of 13 | Posted by Angelita | Posted on February 27, 2010 8:57 PM