Bella is practicing for her grandmother and has copped quite an attitude for a five year old. She also has copped quite a beer gut, and I'm wondering if that is going to affect her chances of winning a beauty pageant. No worries, honey, I took a 2-month "Holiday Hiatus" from working out and I'm paying the price with a pooch myself. I watch the P90X infomercial while downing Yoo-Hoo and eating Doritos. However, the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way). Where was I?
That's your prettiest face!
Finally, we head to Jackson, Mississippi and meet Aja (pronounced sort of like Asia) age 6 and Brionna age 3. These girls have two mommies! Who are of African American descent! In Mississippi! What's next, an African American president with a Muslim name? You've come a long way, Southern states, especially considering you still call the Civil War the "War of Northern Aggression."
Which one plays the man, do you think?
Aja and Brionna are the rookies going to their first pageant. Hands-on mom says she thinks little girls should live a glamorous life and I completely agree as do my Barbies. Aja says they practice all day, every day, until it's night, and I wonder if they are going to a pageant or medical school. Aja is the pleaser, Brionna is just along for the ride and manages to frustrate her mother throughout the show.
"Aja's like, whatever makes my momma happy, I'm going to do," Hands-on mom says. Lord! Then Aja does a crazy imitation of her mother and it's not really a flattering one, she should probably pay more attention to what her daughter is really saying.
Looks like the Time-Life operator has finally lost it!
P.J. is a friend of the family and someone I would totally hook up with Imitation Hetero Dad from episode one. P.J. is their stylist and helps design and make their dresses. He is hilarious. During the discussion of dresses, he says he wants to make the dresses pretty, but not so they overshadow the girl. "You can have an ugly dress, but if you have an ugly girl, they're going to be like, 'She ugly.' " Ha! Truer words were never spoken.
Back in San Jose, Bella's mother wants her to try something on. Hope it's a hotdog costume. Bella says, "Fine, then I'm going to bed." Calm down, Kimora, Life in the Phat Lane, geez. Her mother says Bella's newest dress ran them $2000. Are you effing kidding me? Do you know how many shoes you can get at DSW for two grand? And they sure as hell won't get early childhood diabetes, either.
VERY ladylike.
At the fabric/craft store, P.J. and the two mommies and kids are picking out fabric, rhinestones, and all sorts of bedazzling equipment that comes to about $600. Hands-on mommy says she doesn't care the cost because she wants her babies to look glamorous. P.J. asks the cashier if they can get a free meal or some free Eclipse gum for their purchases. Why, dirty mouth? Oh, wrong gum!
Back in Merkel, Karlee tells us her older sister plays softball and isn't a girly-girl. Yeah, it's pretty clear she's the boy in the family judging by the way she barely dodged that Y chromosome. Karlee's dad says that you practice in sports and you practice in pageantry, however in sports you can look like ass if you still get the job done.
Karlee's dad says he doesn't like her wearing makeup, but it's a competitive edge in the Glitz Pageants. No man should ever use the phrase "glitz pageant." Karlee's sister says she doesn't look real but more like a doll. No shit. But it gets worse.
You are going to make some quarterback very, very happy.
Karlee has recently lost a tooth and God forbid she show up to the pageant looking like, you know, a seven year old. What they have to do is create what is called a flipper, which is a set of teeth that look like Tom Cruise's, but for kids. Karlee's mom has to fill a tooth tray full of blue goo to make an impression to send into the company that makes, and clearly should be fined for child abuse. Kudos to Karlee, however, for not gagging on this tray. I just got some dental work done and thought I would barf up a lung when they had to get an impression of my tooth. (Insert gag-reflex joke here, my dentist does).
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Comments (11)
This show is so disturbing on so many levels. I hope that these kids grow up with enough common sense to realize that their Moms (and Dad) are insane. Otherwise, they are going to end up on meth and robbing the Quick-E mart before they're 18.
Thanks for the hilarious recap, though! Love the zygote joke.
1 of 11 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:04 AM
Yeah, unfortunately my roomie and I both recalled that they actually showed this show LAST year as a standalone pageant program. We were like, 'yeah, remember that one little girl goes completely flatline on stage, and the other one doesn't wear the flipper they were making such a big deal about, and the one girl wants a cow, which is cool...' So I am terrified to admit that I actually remembered seeing this program before.
Wow, the Brionna-mom Gestapo interrogation was absolutely hair-raising. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear Dear Crabby, I love your recaps -- you ARE going to also do "Little Miss Perfect" which starts tomorrow (18th) on WE, right? Please! If your head won't explode from doing two child pageant shows at once.
2 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 17, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi Killbondnow - I am not recapping Little Miss Perfect although I was bummed when that came out as well...so many train wrecks, so little time! (I also write the Ugly Betty recap, just FYI). Thanks for your nice note!
3 of 11 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:24 PM
DearCrabby, hilarious recap!! Supersize nuggets? I almost wet my pants. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking her weight was out of control.
And the Michael Flores dude totally reminds me of the pedophile judge from Drop Dead Gorgeous - if you haven't ever seen it, check it out. It is so freaking funny.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I love your work, thanks for the giggles!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 11 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 17, 2009 3:55 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap. I was laughing outloud.
I completely agree with your comment about letting that poor 4 year old sleep instead of making her practice all night. No wonder she just stood there, she was probably too tired to move.
Why are all the Mom's such a mess? Most of them don't look like they even shower. I mean I get the whole giving up stuff for your kids, but take a shower, comb your hair and try to wear something other than sweats and a tank top.
I guess they feel invisible when they are with their daughters who are wearing 10 pounds of synthetic hair and more make-up than the entire road company of "Cats".
What we need is a pageant for all of the Moms.
TVannie
5 of 11 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:13 PM
It's your fault, crabby, that I came across this show and actually watched the damn thing so I'd enjoy the humor of your recaps/deconstrucions even more. So I'll probably get hooked. Rot in hell! But sit next to me and make fun of all the fat pageant mommies there.
6 of 11 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 18, 2009 11:34 AM
DearCrabby... I am in love with you for pulling an awesome joke out of the word "zygote" (which is one of my favorite words!). I'm loving your take on this terrible bunch of child-abuse, and can't wait for next week's episode!
love, J-Mo :)
7 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 18, 2009 12:29 PM
Is this a one-off or not? I just watched a version that's been on youtube for a while -- it seems to follow this recap pretty closely.
Maybe they've decided to build an entire series around all the footage they shot?
I like it that ALL of the moms (with the exception of deep-voiced daddy mom) are obese trainwrecks. Living the dream through your kids, much?
You'd think lesbian mom would be a bit more self-aware about heaping all that guilt on a 4 year old.
Wish there was some kind of flash-forward machine to see what happens to these poor kids in the future. Wouldn't that be fun?
I mean, you know Bella is already scarred -- the way she broke down at the end, snivelling because she 'got the money back'...no wonder she's already a porker at 5 years old.
And what's the deal with making the kids hold up their money fans like that? Are those their new price tags?
8 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 1:10 AM
itchy: It's for the pageant publicity photos. They sell plastic 'money fan holders' for that purpose.
DC: I am tempting you once more -- last night on "Little Miss Perfect" the over-the-top gay emcee/host said "this is a day the winner will reference for the rest of her life." 'Reference.' We literally watched the repeat because we couldn't believe we'd heard that right -- we did.
I think it's amusing that Florida won't let gays marry, but apparently it's quite OK to let the gay man croon romantically to your six-month-old baby. Or six-year-old daughter. As someone in a same-sex relationship I found this ironically amusing. When he got to the lyric (of the official pageant song he obviously wrote himself, for his pageant) about "citrus-colored rainbows" it was spit-take-o-rama around here...
9 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:38 PM
"... the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way)."
a-HA! So you *DO* recap wearing a sparkly tiara!
That's ahhhsome.
10 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:18 PM
"I'm a seatbelt Nazi..."
I'm glad there is now a term for that because I definitely am one, too.
Parents, get REAL! Or is (not-so)natural attrition part of your family plan?!
11 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:25 PM