Bella's mom interviews that pageants definitely take a financial toll, which leads me to ask then why the hell do you do them? Why not stick all that money into a college fund? Oh, I know. Because of the scholarships. I barf, the end. She says winning this pageant will help them replace the entry fee. The entry fee is $900 and the cash prize is $1000. Even if you hocked the trophy, you don't make enough to cover that $2000 dress and travel expenses to Texas. Pageants must be a sport for people bad at math. Like gambling.
Bella is headed over to her coach's studio. "I coach modeling, swimwear, dance, and turning," says Coach K.T. Geez, I could teach turning! Look that way, now keep looking that way, keep looking - there you go! I wonder how much this girl makes, she looks like she's about 15. What a racket! Work it, Bella. She walks awkwardly and flails/dances around.
Yes, but can she be coached to sit up?
Kaylee and her family are about to have dinner and Kaylee prays to her savior to help her win the pageant and for her sister to win the softball game. I don't think God works that way, Kaylee, he's too busy overseeing famine and wars and real problems. He's not Santa.
Back in Jackson, Aja and Brionna are packing up with the moms and pseudo-dad to head towards Austin. I'm sorry, do these states not have seat-belt laws? Put those little ones in seatbelts and/or car seats. Brionna is four, don't you have to have your kid in a car seat until they're like 12 or something now? I mean, I know I'm a seatbelt Nazi, but don't you want to protect your kid?
SEATBELTS! CAR SEATS! Bitches, please!
YAY! Pageant time! And once again, there are trophies for everyone! Oh, the low expectations we set for ourselves. Seriously, there are 80 contestants and like 200 trophies. The pageant director shows a picture of a baby and someone off camera says, "How old is she?" and the pageant director answers, "She's a baby." Yes, thank you, I couldn't tell from the fact that her picture clearly shows she's a baby! This woman would have to study for a urine test.
A baby? How can you tell?
What keen eyes you have!
Guess what's at the hotel reception desk? Really creepy teeth for Karlee! Her flipper arrived and when she puts it in it sends chills down my spine. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong. It's a retainer with teeth that look like it's for adults or baby dolls. It is freaky!
No, really, they look natural.
Bella is getting spray-tanned 45 minutes before the show and she's getting fake eyebrows painted on, but they are going with her real eyelashes. Way to hold onto the au natural, Bella! What they should consider is investing in some Spanx, Junior. Girlfriend is going to need it!
I just did this to my garage walls!
Brionna is practicing for the talent portion and her mother is getting ticked because Brionna is four and she's not taking it seriously. Aja says if she wins she's getting a phone. "Everybody wants a phone," she says. Really? I still have my cell phone from 2003 and it spends most of its time in the "battery low" position.
Kaylee interviews that she wants to win the $1000 because she wants to buy a cow.
A what?
A cow. Okay, suddenly this kid has gone up 100% in my book. Any little girl that wants a cow is hilarious and I like that in a person. Farm animals crack me up, especially fancy chickens. They're so fancy!
Seriously, how can you not laugh at these? Heh.
AAACK! Holy crap, we just cut over to a woman who is a hot mess and who interviews that she actually went out and got a job just so she could pay for pageants for her daughter. Wow. Well, a hobby is a hobby, and you might consider combing your daughter's hair. Conditioner wouldn't kill you either. "We came with four dresses and shoes and diamonds out the butt." Uh, how do I hook into those diamonds out the butt? You must be eating quite the high-fiber diet!
First up - Talent Competition! Oh look, creepy judge with the Nixon glance is back! YAY! Wait, why is that girl dressed like a Dalmation? What kind of talent is that? Aja and Brionna look scared; Bella looks LARGE.
It's only talent when you do that at Hooters.
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Comments (11)
This show is so disturbing on so many levels. I hope that these kids grow up with enough common sense to realize that their Moms (and Dad) are insane. Otherwise, they are going to end up on meth and robbing the Quick-E mart before they're 18.
Thanks for the hilarious recap, though! Love the zygote joke.
1 of 11 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:04 AM
Yeah, unfortunately my roomie and I both recalled that they actually showed this show LAST year as a standalone pageant program. We were like, 'yeah, remember that one little girl goes completely flatline on stage, and the other one doesn't wear the flipper they were making such a big deal about, and the one girl wants a cow, which is cool...' So I am terrified to admit that I actually remembered seeing this program before.
Wow, the Brionna-mom Gestapo interrogation was absolutely hair-raising. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear Dear Crabby, I love your recaps -- you ARE going to also do "Little Miss Perfect" which starts tomorrow (18th) on WE, right? Please! If your head won't explode from doing two child pageant shows at once.
2 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 17, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi Killbondnow - I am not recapping Little Miss Perfect although I was bummed when that came out as well...so many train wrecks, so little time! (I also write the Ugly Betty recap, just FYI). Thanks for your nice note!
3 of 11 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:24 PM
DearCrabby, hilarious recap!! Supersize nuggets? I almost wet my pants. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking her weight was out of control.
And the Michael Flores dude totally reminds me of the pedophile judge from Drop Dead Gorgeous - if you haven't ever seen it, check it out. It is so freaking funny.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I love your work, thanks for the giggles!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 11 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 17, 2009 3:55 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap. I was laughing outloud.
I completely agree with your comment about letting that poor 4 year old sleep instead of making her practice all night. No wonder she just stood there, she was probably too tired to move.
Why are all the Mom's such a mess? Most of them don't look like they even shower. I mean I get the whole giving up stuff for your kids, but take a shower, comb your hair and try to wear something other than sweats and a tank top.
I guess they feel invisible when they are with their daughters who are wearing 10 pounds of synthetic hair and more make-up than the entire road company of "Cats".
What we need is a pageant for all of the Moms.
TVannie
5 of 11 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:13 PM
It's your fault, crabby, that I came across this show and actually watched the damn thing so I'd enjoy the humor of your recaps/deconstrucions even more. So I'll probably get hooked. Rot in hell! But sit next to me and make fun of all the fat pageant mommies there.
6 of 11 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 18, 2009 11:34 AM
DearCrabby... I am in love with you for pulling an awesome joke out of the word "zygote" (which is one of my favorite words!). I'm loving your take on this terrible bunch of child-abuse, and can't wait for next week's episode!
love, J-Mo :)
7 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 18, 2009 12:29 PM
Is this a one-off or not? I just watched a version that's been on youtube for a while -- it seems to follow this recap pretty closely.
Maybe they've decided to build an entire series around all the footage they shot?
I like it that ALL of the moms (with the exception of deep-voiced daddy mom) are obese trainwrecks. Living the dream through your kids, much?
You'd think lesbian mom would be a bit more self-aware about heaping all that guilt on a 4 year old.
Wish there was some kind of flash-forward machine to see what happens to these poor kids in the future. Wouldn't that be fun?
I mean, you know Bella is already scarred -- the way she broke down at the end, snivelling because she 'got the money back'...no wonder she's already a porker at 5 years old.
And what's the deal with making the kids hold up their money fans like that? Are those their new price tags?
8 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 1:10 AM
itchy: It's for the pageant publicity photos. They sell plastic 'money fan holders' for that purpose.
DC: I am tempting you once more -- last night on "Little Miss Perfect" the over-the-top gay emcee/host said "this is a day the winner will reference for the rest of her life." 'Reference.' We literally watched the repeat because we couldn't believe we'd heard that right -- we did.
I think it's amusing that Florida won't let gays marry, but apparently it's quite OK to let the gay man croon romantically to your six-month-old baby. Or six-year-old daughter. As someone in a same-sex relationship I found this ironically amusing. When he got to the lyric (of the official pageant song he obviously wrote himself, for his pageant) about "citrus-colored rainbows" it was spit-take-o-rama around here...
9 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:38 PM
"... the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way)."
a-HA! So you *DO* recap wearing a sparkly tiara!
That's ahhhsome.
10 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:18 PM
"I'm a seatbelt Nazi..."
I'm glad there is now a term for that because I definitely am one, too.
Parents, get REAL! Or is (not-so)natural attrition part of your family plan?!
11 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:25 PM