Uh oh! Breakdown in Brionna land! She starts crying and freaking out and her mother escorts her into the lobby. She does the reverse psychology-thing: "We can just take off our pretty dress, take off our makeup, I can take your earrings back, cause we don't need them, right?" The kid is four, let her have her breakdown if for no other reason than she's catatonic. Wait - she's going to compete. Glad she could make that decision on her own. Ahem.
And I will just take my love for you,
box it up, and return it to the store from whence it came.
Brionna gets up on stage...and...walks...very...slowly...to...the...middle. The pageant director asks her to smile and she looks completely afraid. Her mother says, "She just got up there like it was nothing, like she didn't even care." SHE DIDN'T! Do we need to show you the tape? The kid flipper-ed out! They finally have to ask her to get off the stage and...she...does...very...slowly. I would have called security to help her move some ass. Brionna? Out of the competition. Fear will do that to you. Now she's going to be a bed-wetter, you can just tell.
If there is a God, I will implode right NOW.
Here comes Bella. Yes, that is a $2000 dress and I'm going to need one for my next cruise. It's totally sparkly and dreamy and I'm totally jealous. TOTALLY. The pageant director says, "Her favorite food is chicken nuggets." You don't say. Does she supersize them because I'm betting yes.
Her mother interviews that she's not concerned about the weight factor at this point because Bella is so young. However, mom should take a good look at herself and her own mother because they are both tanks. My guess is that Bella's weight is going to become a factor and won't just affect her diabetically, but also in the pageants. I'm not sure which one her mom would be worried about more, to be honest.
I can see why you aren't worried about Bella's weight,
what with the two extra boobs you've seem to have grown.
Pageant director says that weight does play an issue. She admits that if the judges have to choose between an eating disorder and a fatty, the fatty will lose. She may have worded it differently.
Over in Brionna and Aja's room, P.J. says Brionna just had a bad morning. I'll say! "I was up all night practicing with her in the hallway," Hands-on mom says, "and you can't even walk like you're supposed to?" Maybe because she's exhausted from being up all night? Hand her an espresso sippy cup next time.
Only real friends will sew you into your clothes.
Aja is next onstage for the evening gown/beauty competition, and I ADORE her dress. It's this flowy shimmery mix of blue and sea green and just really cool. P.J. did a great job and I must book him for my next look-a-like competition. Aja looks really beautiful and works the stage coolly. P.J. says he's very pleased. He should be, he rocked her out!
Seriously, get her designer on Project Runway!
Karlee gets onstage and she totally freaks me out with those teeth. I don't see the hair piece, the eyelashes, the fake tan, the dress that looks like she's wrapped like a present, all I see are teeth, teeth, teeth, and once again, teeth. Freakish! She's also very stiff, that dress must have steel rods in that dress to keep her so, well, stiff!
Tom Cruise called and he wants his teeth back.
"Flippers," the pageant director says, "there are some that look real but if they don't look real, don't waste your money buying them." Except you don't know what they look like until they are done, so that won't work.
Case in point.
Swimsuit icky competition! Someone voices over that the swimsuit competition is where the girls can show their personalities. Or their butt-cheeks, whatever works. "The oohs and the ahhs and the shaking of the hips...they just love that." So do pedophiles.
In Karlee's room, she stares into the mirror with the head of Kathleen Quinlan from Apollo 13 and the body of a 7 year old. Creepy. "I look gooood," she says. Ick. She asks her mother if she can still do "this," then she proceeds to bounce up and down. Her mother passive-aggressives that she can, "but they'll take off points." Because why now? Apparently they want her age level not to do the cutesy walk, they want the standard, polished, beauty walk. Because one thing pageants are: mature.
Kaylee with her husband, Forest Gump.
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Comments (11)
This show is so disturbing on so many levels. I hope that these kids grow up with enough common sense to realize that their Moms (and Dad) are insane. Otherwise, they are going to end up on meth and robbing the Quick-E mart before they're 18.
Thanks for the hilarious recap, though! Love the zygote joke.
1 of 11 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:04 AM
Yeah, unfortunately my roomie and I both recalled that they actually showed this show LAST year as a standalone pageant program. We were like, 'yeah, remember that one little girl goes completely flatline on stage, and the other one doesn't wear the flipper they were making such a big deal about, and the one girl wants a cow, which is cool...' So I am terrified to admit that I actually remembered seeing this program before.
Wow, the Brionna-mom Gestapo interrogation was absolutely hair-raising. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear Dear Crabby, I love your recaps -- you ARE going to also do "Little Miss Perfect" which starts tomorrow (18th) on WE, right? Please! If your head won't explode from doing two child pageant shows at once.
2 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 17, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi Killbondnow - I am not recapping Little Miss Perfect although I was bummed when that came out as well...so many train wrecks, so little time! (I also write the Ugly Betty recap, just FYI). Thanks for your nice note!
3 of 11 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:24 PM
DearCrabby, hilarious recap!! Supersize nuggets? I almost wet my pants. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking her weight was out of control.
And the Michael Flores dude totally reminds me of the pedophile judge from Drop Dead Gorgeous - if you haven't ever seen it, check it out. It is so freaking funny.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I love your work, thanks for the giggles!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 11 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 17, 2009 3:55 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap. I was laughing outloud.
I completely agree with your comment about letting that poor 4 year old sleep instead of making her practice all night. No wonder she just stood there, she was probably too tired to move.
Why are all the Mom's such a mess? Most of them don't look like they even shower. I mean I get the whole giving up stuff for your kids, but take a shower, comb your hair and try to wear something other than sweats and a tank top.
I guess they feel invisible when they are with their daughters who are wearing 10 pounds of synthetic hair and more make-up than the entire road company of "Cats".
What we need is a pageant for all of the Moms.
TVannie
5 of 11 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:13 PM
It's your fault, crabby, that I came across this show and actually watched the damn thing so I'd enjoy the humor of your recaps/deconstrucions even more. So I'll probably get hooked. Rot in hell! But sit next to me and make fun of all the fat pageant mommies there.
6 of 11 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 18, 2009 11:34 AM
DearCrabby... I am in love with you for pulling an awesome joke out of the word "zygote" (which is one of my favorite words!). I'm loving your take on this terrible bunch of child-abuse, and can't wait for next week's episode!
love, J-Mo :)
7 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 18, 2009 12:29 PM
Is this a one-off or not? I just watched a version that's been on youtube for a while -- it seems to follow this recap pretty closely.
Maybe they've decided to build an entire series around all the footage they shot?
I like it that ALL of the moms (with the exception of deep-voiced daddy mom) are obese trainwrecks. Living the dream through your kids, much?
You'd think lesbian mom would be a bit more self-aware about heaping all that guilt on a 4 year old.
Wish there was some kind of flash-forward machine to see what happens to these poor kids in the future. Wouldn't that be fun?
I mean, you know Bella is already scarred -- the way she broke down at the end, snivelling because she 'got the money back'...no wonder she's already a porker at 5 years old.
And what's the deal with making the kids hold up their money fans like that? Are those their new price tags?
8 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 1:10 AM
itchy: It's for the pageant publicity photos. They sell plastic 'money fan holders' for that purpose.
DC: I am tempting you once more -- last night on "Little Miss Perfect" the over-the-top gay emcee/host said "this is a day the winner will reference for the rest of her life." 'Reference.' We literally watched the repeat because we couldn't believe we'd heard that right -- we did.
I think it's amusing that Florida won't let gays marry, but apparently it's quite OK to let the gay man croon romantically to your six-month-old baby. Or six-year-old daughter. As someone in a same-sex relationship I found this ironically amusing. When he got to the lyric (of the official pageant song he obviously wrote himself, for his pageant) about "citrus-colored rainbows" it was spit-take-o-rama around here...
9 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:38 PM
"... the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way)."
a-HA! So you *DO* recap wearing a sparkly tiara!
That's ahhhsome.
10 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:18 PM
"I'm a seatbelt Nazi..."
I'm glad there is now a term for that because I definitely am one, too.
Parents, get REAL! Or is (not-so)natural attrition part of your family plan?!
11 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:25 PM