Brionna is working the swimsuit competition to obtain her mother's love and calm the beast. She looks cute in her hot pink. Karlee gets up and oh no! Cutesy walk! Points off! She's going down, downtown. Girl has a weird walk. Her mom tells her they'll probably take points off for her "prissy walk" once she got off the stage. Or, you could just say, "Good job," just a thought.
Carpal tunnel is a bitch!
Crowning time! But first, the dad competition. What a dad won't do for his daughter, huh? One guy admits that last year he showed his chest, then he details, "My nipple." No one needs to see nip at a beauty pageant unless is starts some major scandal that takes down the nearest politician!
See, here is your problem.
So - winners in every age group, a King and a Queen, and a Grand Supreme Champion which makes me think of pizza. On top of that, everyone gets a ribbon for showing up, competing, and probably breathing. Let's crown!
She must be watching this show too.
In the baby group, what do you know, Ava from the first episode is crowned Universal Royalty Queen but sleeps through the crowning, what a bummer. In the 4 to 5 age group, third runner up is Brionna. Really? I guess fear can get you a trophy after all! Not bad for a rookie. Universal Royalty Queen is Rebecca Alley from episode one as well (her mother competed with baton twirling and a tragic "one piece" body suit). Bella doesn't win anything meaning she moves ahead to win the Ultimate Super-Supreme Title with extra pepperoni and sausage.
Unless there is sticky fly paper in there, shut your mouth.
In 3-to-6 boys, Cameron sweeps the competition (there were like 4 boys competing). He's totally the boy toy of the pageant!
Nice attitude, babe.
Now for the 6-to-7 crowning, Aja wins third runner up, which I think is a travesty, and she agrees, "I can't believe I lost!" The Universal Royalty Queen is Karlee Hunt, which means she doesn't move ahead to the big Ultimate Deep Dish Supreme, but she does get the $1000 and you know what that means: BEEF! She gets her cow. Enjoy milking every few hours, you are going to love that! Be sure to wear that crown.
Take Bella home with you! I hear cows from California are happy!
The Supreme winners are about to be announced...who will be the Diana Ross? It's Miss Bella! She's been crowned Novice Supreme, which is the second highest title in the pageant. I bet the Texans are pissed an outsider won. They'll probably just declare her mentally incapacitated and execute her, no worries. Bella begins to cry and begs for her daddy, much like I do at the end of all these shows. Actually, I just call to see if he'll bring me a Dunkin' Donuts coffee and trim the dogs' nails, which he always does.
Well I'll be damned. But I'll save you all a seat in Hell.
The overall winner was some other girl the show didn't follow, and it ends with all the girls who won onstage with their flowers, crowns, and glittery gowns. As a girl who loved dress-up, I totally love these gowns and once again, I must look into purchasing a tiara. They really are the forgotten accessory!
Hands-on mom interviews that she's spent so much money on getting Aja and Brionna started in pageants, they'll probably be doing them when they are using canes. Now that would be a pageant to see, especially the talent competition..."Miss Brionna, age 80, is going to remember all of her grandkids' names!"
Brionna and Aja are headed home with their family. Bella is walking through the lobby and her mother is holding flowers and balloons and one big-ass trophy and I want to know how they are going to be flying home with that. There is no way they'd be allowed to bring it on the plane, they'd have to check it, right? I'm sure TSA will put the smackdown on them later.
Kaylee is leaving with her friend as they compare how heavy their trophies are. Nothin' like a little competition after the competition! Fight! Fight!
Mine is bigger than yours!
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Comments (11)
This show is so disturbing on so many levels. I hope that these kids grow up with enough common sense to realize that their Moms (and Dad) are insane. Otherwise, they are going to end up on meth and robbing the Quick-E mart before they're 18.
Thanks for the hilarious recap, though! Love the zygote joke.
1 of 11 | Posted by twunty mcslore | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:04 AM
Yeah, unfortunately my roomie and I both recalled that they actually showed this show LAST year as a standalone pageant program. We were like, 'yeah, remember that one little girl goes completely flatline on stage, and the other one doesn't wear the flipper they were making such a big deal about, and the one girl wants a cow, which is cool...' So I am terrified to admit that I actually remembered seeing this program before.
Wow, the Brionna-mom Gestapo interrogation was absolutely hair-raising. Talk about Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear Dear Crabby, I love your recaps -- you ARE going to also do "Little Miss Perfect" which starts tomorrow (18th) on WE, right? Please! If your head won't explode from doing two child pageant shows at once.
2 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 17, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi Killbondnow - I am not recapping Little Miss Perfect although I was bummed when that came out as well...so many train wrecks, so little time! (I also write the Ugly Betty recap, just FYI). Thanks for your nice note!
3 of 11 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on February 17, 2009 2:24 PM
DearCrabby, hilarious recap!! Supersize nuggets? I almost wet my pants. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking her weight was out of control.
And the Michael Flores dude totally reminds me of the pedophile judge from Drop Dead Gorgeous - if you haven't ever seen it, check it out. It is so freaking funny.
Anyhow, just wanted to say I love your work, thanks for the giggles!!
SWAK, PottyMouth
4 of 11 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 17, 2009 3:55 PM
Dear Crabby,
Great recap. I was laughing outloud.
I completely agree with your comment about letting that poor 4 year old sleep instead of making her practice all night. No wonder she just stood there, she was probably too tired to move.
Why are all the Mom's such a mess? Most of them don't look like they even shower. I mean I get the whole giving up stuff for your kids, but take a shower, comb your hair and try to wear something other than sweats and a tank top.
I guess they feel invisible when they are with their daughters who are wearing 10 pounds of synthetic hair and more make-up than the entire road company of "Cats".
What we need is a pageant for all of the Moms.
TVannie
5 of 11 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on February 17, 2009 5:13 PM
It's your fault, crabby, that I came across this show and actually watched the damn thing so I'd enjoy the humor of your recaps/deconstrucions even more. So I'll probably get hooked. Rot in hell! But sit next to me and make fun of all the fat pageant mommies there.
6 of 11 | Posted by Charlotte | Posted on February 18, 2009 11:34 AM
DearCrabby... I am in love with you for pulling an awesome joke out of the word "zygote" (which is one of my favorite words!). I'm loving your take on this terrible bunch of child-abuse, and can't wait for next week's episode!
love, J-Mo :)
7 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 18, 2009 12:29 PM
Is this a one-off or not? I just watched a version that's been on youtube for a while -- it seems to follow this recap pretty closely.
Maybe they've decided to build an entire series around all the footage they shot?
I like it that ALL of the moms (with the exception of deep-voiced daddy mom) are obese trainwrecks. Living the dream through your kids, much?
You'd think lesbian mom would be a bit more self-aware about heaping all that guilt on a 4 year old.
Wish there was some kind of flash-forward machine to see what happens to these poor kids in the future. Wouldn't that be fun?
I mean, you know Bella is already scarred -- the way she broke down at the end, snivelling because she 'got the money back'...no wonder she's already a porker at 5 years old.
And what's the deal with making the kids hold up their money fans like that? Are those their new price tags?
8 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 19, 2009 1:10 AM
itchy: It's for the pageant publicity photos. They sell plastic 'money fan holders' for that purpose.
DC: I am tempting you once more -- last night on "Little Miss Perfect" the over-the-top gay emcee/host said "this is a day the winner will reference for the rest of her life." 'Reference.' We literally watched the repeat because we couldn't believe we'd heard that right -- we did.
I think it's amusing that Florida won't let gays marry, but apparently it's quite OK to let the gay man croon romantically to your six-month-old baby. Or six-year-old daughter. As someone in a same-sex relationship I found this ironically amusing. When he got to the lyric (of the official pageant song he obviously wrote himself, for his pageant) about "citrus-colored rainbows" it was spit-take-o-rama around here...
9 of 11 | Posted by killbondnow | Posted on February 19, 2009 12:38 PM
"... the only thing close to a pageant I've ever been in is a look-a-like contest with my dog (which I won, by the way)."
a-HA! So you *DO* recap wearing a sparkly tiara!
That's ahhhsome.
10 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:18 PM
"I'm a seatbelt Nazi..."
I'm glad there is now a term for that because I definitely am one, too.
Parents, get REAL! Or is (not-so)natural attrition part of your family plan?!
11 of 11 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on February 19, 2009 2:25 PM