Hello Gasmii, we're back to normal with this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with bratty kids, crazy mothers, and winners all around. This week we're at the Gold Coast Pageant being held in Arizona, yee-ha! You may remember Pageant Director Kim Colby from such pageants as "California Gold Coast," and uh...well, probably the other Gold Coast pageants held all over non-gold-coast states.
She tells us it's high glitz, like Hollywood (have you seen Mischa Barton lately? I'd watch those comparisons!), with makeup and wiglets, and glitzy dresses. This pageant includes beauty, swimwear, and talent if any ever actually shows up. "At the very end of the day, everyone wants to be queen or a winner," she says. It's a kid beauty pageant. Usually they all DO leave as winners.
Lake Havasu City, Arizona! Home to another crazy pageant family that was last seen in Hawaii - "Go glitz or go home!" if you remember. And go home they did. This time we're meeting 8 year old Alyssa who "does not like to lose." Well, you did in the mother department, that's for damn sure.
Alyssa tells us she was taken out of a pageant once because once when she lost, she got mad, "and the judge was right in front of me so I kicked him in the chest." Uh. What? You kicked an adult in the chest? Because you lost? Okay, you are 8 years old, you really shouldn't have that kind of anger management issue and if you do, your parents should be spending money on therapists and not pageants. Psycho!
Mom Amanda tells us, "I am Gold Coast royalty and my daughter will be too." How do all these fuglies win in pageants? I'm going to need to see footage on that to see if she just got one of the "participation" crowns because folks, she ain't looking good.
Was the prize a never expiring gift certificate for Hometown Buffet?
Alyssa puts on a crown and tells us that this was the crown she won during the mother-daughter pageant. "Who won overall in this pageant?" her mother says. Alyssa points to her mother. Oh my God, you lost to a fatty? Alyssa, shame on you. Amanda, nice work rubbing it in, that will really create some warm mother-daughter memories when Alyssa is in jail for punching you in the face.
Apparently the win took place when Alyssa was in the pre-teen division and Amanda was in the plus-size division, and when they called overall winner, it was Amanda. "I looked at Alyssa and said, 'YES!'" It must be a proud moment when you beat the crap out of a kid at a beauty pageant.
"Alyssa has thought she was a princess since she was 18 months old, and I have to keep reminding her that the princess's mother is the QUEEN," Amanda says. I think you confused queen with queen-sized, particularly in the ego-section.
Let it go, lady.
Over in Kingman, Arizona, we meet an absolutely adorable 4 year old named Samantha who tells us she's a glitz girl. Seriously - blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful round face and a real sparkle to her smile - she has the total package. I sound like a judge - kill me now!
Please tell me she wore this to school today.
Mom Allison says Samantha started pageants about a year ago and she's done very well. "She has annihilated most of the pageants," Allison says, and I'm thinking that would make a great horror movie, the Pageant Annihilator!
"Samantha doesn't know the difference between winning and losing," she tells us. I bet she does by your demeanor, mom. I'd give that kid more credit if I were you. Allison tells us that she really wants Samantha to win and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get her to that level. Dirty!
Dad Ricky Ray, long-lost brother of Rachel I'm guessing, says, "All I know is Samantha is going to win." He seems so confident I want to ask him for the winning lottery numbers. He says he enjoys seeing how happy she is onstage.
"Samantha is the boss of the house," he says, which must piss off his older son. And wife. And Supernanny. We see footage of Samantha putting makeup on her dad, then a crown, then a cape. He looks like a deranged tranny when he looks at the camera and says, "Go glitz or go home!" and you have to admire a dad who is that into playing with his kids. But that still won't stop the guys at work from teasing him until the day he retires.
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Comments (9)
DearCrabby,
I've been waiting to see what you thought of that nutcase Amanda putting her poor little girl on a diet. I couldn't believe it. And Amanda won an overall title at a pageant? How?
And who in the world puts a little girl in a swimsuit and heels? Was she competing for Favorite Miss Pedophile? The only people trained to walk around in heels and a swimsuit are the Miss Texas competitors and they have to do it it's the law in Texas. She's a little girl in heels and a swimsuit and she's supposed to be elegant? Why not just get her bellybutton pierced and have her talent be changing her child's diaper while finishing high school?
I loved little Samantha and her cute little round cheeks. She was so cute and behaved really good for being in a stupid pageant when she could have been having a tea party or something.
AS far as Charlie, from her Mother's poor sportsmanship, to her own bitchy little self, she's going to be a really nasty teenager.
Charlie will probably grow up to be a pop star and we'll have to watch these old movies of her way back when.
Loved the recap Crabby.
1 of 9 | Posted by AnneM | Posted on October 27, 2009 4:46 PM
I thought TLC had ads that said this was the season finale. If so, they saved the best for last!! That Charlie needs a smack upside the head. Though the more I saw of her mother, the more I could see where she gets it. Why oh why doesn't the mom just stop doing the stupid pageants?? Obviously her little brat couldn't care less. I don't know where TLC finds these nutcases - I guess there are plenty of them in the pageant world.
I loved Samantha and poor Alyssa. I hope Alyssa's mother reads this recap and realizes how terribly she treats her daughter. A DIET??? Horrifying.
Samantha was just a doll and reminds me of my daughter. You see, DearCrabby, all kids aren't terrible!!
Loved this recap. It kills me that you're not recapping King of the Crown. You'd have a blast! (or at least we'd have a blast reading them)
2 of 9 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on October 27, 2009 7:19 PM
The whole time I watched this show I kept thinking there must be something wrong with Charlie. It's more than just bratty behavior - that kid ain't right.
3 of 9 | Posted by judyjudy | Posted on October 27, 2009 7:31 PM
Charlie doesn't need a coach, she needs an exorcist. Or a new mom.
I really think that Alyssa is living in an abusive environment. Her mother is such a nutcase, it's like having an alcoholic parent that you continually have to appease. Along with the diet thing and then the aunt turning up to encourage her to gorge on junk food. That picture she drew of her mother is scary--I think I've seen one like that in a child psychology book. I see a bleak future for that kid.
Bless little Samantha and her goofy dad!
4 of 9 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on October 27, 2009 8:42 PM
As always, great recap DearCrabby!
How sad is Amanda? I mean, really, bragging that you beat your 8 year old in a beauty pagent? She's like those people who at 40, are still bragging about their high school glory days.
I have a friend who started dancing as a little girl. Every time she started to eat anything her mother would say "careful or you'll get fat". To this day, she has a HUGE problem with eating and body image and feels guilty for eating anything. I see poor Alyssa heading down the same path.
As for Charlie, well, the kid needs her ass WHIPPED. I can only imagine what she will be like in 10 years. I fear she is too far gone down the "diva" path to ever be a normal kid instead of the Spawn of Hell.
Good for Samantha! She seems to have two loving parents who are somewhat normal. I hope they don't hang around the pagent people too long...I'd hate to see Samantha wind on the same path as poor Alyssa.
And finally, Myree? For a boy? I hope they are spending a few dollars of the pagent budget for boxing lessons for this kid. God knows he will have to fight his way through school with a name like that. People really should think about what they name their children.
Again, great recap Crabby. I don't watch Ugle Betty, though I may start reading the recaps just for your snark! I would love to know if you've watched "King of the Crown" and what you think of it!
5 of 9 | Posted by marijai | Posted on October 28, 2009 9:59 AM
It seems to me that Charlie's mother never learned that basic tenet of parenthood: don't ask, TELL. She's probably been asking the kid, "Do you want to practice? Do you want to get ready?" etc. since she was a tyke. Now the kid is drunk with power.
6 of 9 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on October 28, 2009 3:52 PM
Why in God's green earth would that husband sperminate Amanda a second time? At least he had the good sense not to show his face on tv.
This was the season finale and I will truly miss your recaps. I love them so. "bouncing around like a pogo stick from the irregular bin". Love!
We must have gone to the same parochial grade school. Sister Mary Badass gave out the same punishment of kneeling on the register, only differnce was making us recite The Beatitudes.
Sure wish someone, but especially you, were recapping King of the Crown.
Bye Crabby, see ya next season.
7 of 9 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on October 28, 2009 10:35 PM
I am so disappointed this is the finale! I never watch the episodes, but I love these recaps. Can't wait for the next season. Great job, Dear Crabby!
8 of 9 | Posted by fineprint | Posted on October 30, 2009 8:32 AM
I haven't yet read this latest recap of the prostitots, but I just read a fascinating article about a new book and photo exhibit examining this phenomena over at Salon:
salon [dot] com/life/feature/2009/11/08/high_glitz_child_pageant_slideshow
9 of 9 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on November 9, 2009 11:39 AM