Gasmii, what can I say? This week's Toddlers & Tiara's pageant is the Chitlin' Strut and I actually had to pay $2 to download this heinousness from iTunes to get some pictures for you, that is just how much I love you. What they don't picture are the actual chitlins, which according to Wikipedia are the intestines and rectum of a pig that are formally called "Chitterlings" as if that makes it any more appetizing to eat! PEOPLE EAT PIG RECTUMS. Well, mostly in the south, so I guess we can blame it on the inbreeding. Would it have really been so bad to let the south cede from the Union? WOULD IT?
This recap is practically going to write itself!
This pageant takes place in South Carolina which I love because I've vacationed there and it is just a wonderful place to visit, especially Charleston. This event takes place in Salley, South Carolina, to raise money for the town and "to bring us together to celebrate chitlins," say the pageant director Courtney Hightower. Do those really need to be celebrated or should they just be relegated to the "do not eat" list at the cardiologist's office? I mean, I live in an area where the marathon is named after flying pigs, but we sure as hell don't run through their rectums for God's sake.
Mmmm...looks...like afterbirth.
"It's not a rule that if you win you have to eat chitlins, but in my opinion, I think it should be," Courtney says. Yeah, I'm going to need to see one of these "three feet long pig intestines" hurdling down your throat before I'd put a kid up to eating them. Hope you don't gag easily!
Chitlins masquerading as calamari. You almost had me.
The Chitlin' Strut pageant is a "stepping stone" to other pageants, most famous being the Haggis Haul in Scotland and the Bangers and Mash Rave in Ireland. Why, why, why can't these kids be learning multiplication table instead?
I'm not expert, but I would recommend
packing only one of those chins for the pageant.
In West Columbia, South Carolina Madison, 11, is picking out a dress for the pageant. I would have guessed she was about 16 because she's pretty well spoken and just has an older looking face. She also has gorgeous red hair but I'm noticing yet again a Spanx issue and I'm starting to wonder if the thin people are becoming an anomaly in pageants. "I love being onstage," she says. I love honking at slow drivers, so we're almost twins! Now get out of my way!
Rebecca, Madison's mother tells us that Madison won Chitlin' Strut last year and she's "gonna win it again this year." Don't bet the house, sister. She and Madison are looking through all the dresses and decide upon a mint-green number that yes, once again grabs my attention because it sparkles...sparkles...sparkles. I'm sorry, where were we?
"Last year, it was disappointing for me to win, because I was the only one in my category," Madison says. So, she didn't so much win as default into being the winner. Also, looks like she wore the same dress so she might consider the purple one instead. That's a good prosperity feng shui color, just go with it! "This year, I feel a lot better about it because there will be other girls in the category." We'll see how much better you feel when you have your ass handed to you in about 42 minutes.
Don't want her walking like a hooker?
Don't buy her hooker shoes!
Her mother tells Madison isn't the typical pageant girl because she's larger and more mature for her age. She also can't walk worth crap in those clear, plastic high heels. Just bind your feet honey, that's how the rest of us do it. He mother tells her to stomp clomping because she doesn't want to sound "like a working girl." I hope she means prostitutes and not career women. It is the south, you know.
To teach Madison to walk in her new shoes, Rebecca makes her vacuum the house in the shoes. To show her how easy it is, her little brother dons some heels and shows her. Maybe he should be in the pageant instead, he does have a cutesy walk he's perfecting.
Still in West Columbia, we meet Tia and her daughter Aubrey, 10. Aubrey has been in 100 pageants which holy crap, that's a lot of entry fees. "A lot goes into these pageants," Tia says, "It's not just the day of the pageant, you start getting ready a week before them." Just like the Olympics!
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Comments (16)
This show is a train wreck...I can't stop watching it. Something is definitely wrong with these moms who think their children are gaining something from being put on display like that. Save your money, let your kid be a kid and I have to say that Madison isn't all that and a bag of chips...quite the opposite infact. Someone needs to tell her parents that she's not attractive (not to mention overweight)...
1 of 16 | Posted by janine917 | Posted on February 24, 2009 5:58 AM
I have always found these pagents to be very disturbing. When I was about 9, my mamma wanted me to be in one, but luckily, we were poor and couldnt afford it. I live in NC, and I honestly didnt know that people ate Chitlin's. Heard of them,just didnt know they were truly edible.
Madison was 11??? WTF? She was to overweight to be in pagents. Oh, I had the same sportswear outfit that Madison wore, except I wore mine in 1983 when it was "the style".
Allie was very natural and it was nice to see a little girl without those stupid looking false teeth. Allie did seem to enjoy the pagent and she was sooo cute!
Children are never,ever to use any kind of teeth whitener products, it destroys their enamel. It's not goood for adults either, but adult teeth have stopped 'growing', childrens teeth have not.
2 of 16 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 24, 2009 6:20 AM
This recap is beyond hilarious. But you missed the best part of the show Uncle "Registered with the state" Chad's last name - Toole! Pure Gold
3 of 16 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on February 24, 2009 7:01 AM
DearCrabby, thank you for watching this show, so we don't have to! I will say, I'm with you on the SPARKLY! Your recaps are great, I feel like I've actually watched the show when I'm done, only it's funny! Keep up the good work, and I LOVE your captions under the pics, priceless! Oh, I'm in Tulsa, and I've heard of chitlins, never eaten them though, wonder if they are anything like pork rinds?
4 of 16 | Posted by valmommyt | Posted on February 24, 2009 7:21 AM
No, No! Pork rinds are yummy and delicious, not like chitlins at all!
DearCrabby, is it wrong that I want to fight you for that dress? :)
Thanks for all the laughs this morning -Haggis Haul? OMGLMFAO Brilliant!
I have also been disturbed by the M&Ms - I mean, there's only one "girl" one - is she getting gang banged in that bag?!?! Oh, the horror!
5 of 16 | Posted by PottyMouth | Posted on February 24, 2009 8:42 AM
these recaps kill me...although I don't know how you can stand to watch the actual shows. And I'm still a little freaked out about the fake teeth. They make the kids resemble my dog when he smiles.
One correction though. "so bad to let the south cede from the Union?" "Cede" is to yield. "Secede" is to withdraw.
6 of 16 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 24, 2009 8:55 AM
I did some investigation today and I found someone who has eaten Chitlin's! This kind elderly fellow told me to take a big tub of Crisco and get the biggest spoon you can find and get the biggest spoonful of Crisco that you can get, and eat it. He said that is what Chitlins taste like.
7 of 16 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on February 24, 2009 11:21 AM
I am originally from the south but I have never eaten a chitterling. I have, however, eaten pig intestine as have most of you probably... sausage casings are pig intestine (with the fat removed). Just sayin.
8 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 24, 2009 1:26 PM
I'm horribly embarrassed to admit that I've seen every episode of this awful trainwreck of a show. I caught the first one and couldn't look away. Now I'm sucked in, although at least I can say I only watch it for the recaps. Yeah, that's it!
What the hell is wrong with these parents?!? They talk about how these pageants are all about building their kid's self-esteem, then practically the very next scene is them harping on their own kid for not looking or doing something perfectly. WTF people?
That said: DearCrabby, you are the BEST! Love!!! Now when I watch, it's even funnier trying to guess what YOU'RE going to say about this drivel! You rock! I grant you ten sparkly tiaras for a job well done!
9 of 16 | Posted by Callie2Raccoon0 | Posted on February 24, 2009 2:04 PM
DearCrabby, that is one of the funniest recaps EVER! Of course, you had a head start with the chitlins. I haven't read recaps of this show before--now I'll have to go back and read them all!
"I have never eaten a chitterling>" Oh, Snootchy, that sounds so...snootchy. That would be a great thing to put on your resume. Or tombstone.
"Snootchy Bootches
Beloved wife and daughter
Never ate a chitterling"
I think you can get away with a lot if you deep fry it. (More tombstone material?)
10 of 16 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on February 24, 2009 4:06 PM
"I think you can get away with a lot if you deep fry it." So true pixielated, if you fry it, they will come. Ew.
Crabby, your recaps are so great. If I were within throwing distance, I would toss the sparkliest, glitteriest Mardi Gras beads at you and a tiara to boot.
11 of 16 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on February 24, 2009 8:36 PM
Here in France they have a type of sausage called andouille that is basically intestines stuffed with intestine/colon/rectum. It's considered a delicacy, and the more poop taste in there, the better.
But then, the French voted in Sarkozy.
Hmm...how much of the Bush years did we owe to chit'lin' eaters?
12 of 16 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 25, 2009 12:53 AM
Pixielated: Oh you have no idea! lol As I said, I am originally from the south, but I was raised by "women who lunch" if you know what I mean. Chitterlings didn't make an appearance in our house... however, we ate a mess of chicken livers, gizzards and my grandmother loved turkey necks! We ate a lot of offal even if it wasn't that particular one. And it primed me well for living in Europe because they eat a lot of offal here too. :)
I'm not opposed to any food really. I have travelled a lot and always try the local fare. I've had some things that would freak out some people. Some were pretty tasty... some were not. :p My point was that people shouldn't be too grossed out by eating pig intestine because most of us already have.
13 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 25, 2009 1:04 AM
Forgot to mention...
I wholeheartedly agree with the "fry it and they will come" statement. I will eat pretty much anything if you deep fry it and/or put gravy on it!!
14 of 16 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 25, 2009 1:06 AM
Thx for recapping these for us. I wanted to watch the show, but I figured I'd be too creeped out.
Madison is a pretty girl, but she does look like she's 16 and that creeps me out.
On a side note, I must write in defense of chitlins' ;) My mom's from the south and she prepared them for us growing up while refusing to inform of us what they constituted (intestines) until we reached high school. Unsurprisingly, we ceased to consume them. However, prior to our enlightenment we actually enjoyed them -
15 of 16 | Posted by anicho01 | Posted on February 25, 2009 8:22 AM
This recap was hysterical! Sham-Brow and "are you gettin this camera guy" ... classic, just classic!
Your recaps make watching this train wreck possible ... keep up the excellent work!
itchy: Now that I know andouille is full of poop, I think I'll steer clear of the gumbo from now on.
16 of 16 | Posted by FancyPants | Posted on February 25, 2009 1:58 PM