Well, not really. We open this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras with pageant director Aimee Adkins telling us that the girls in this "Southern Celebrity Pageant" being held in Kentucky compete full-glitz and all-natural. That sounds fair. "We're trying to make dreams come true one crown at a time," she says. How about one health insurance policy at a time? Costs about the same and the families could probably use it!
Get used to this, viewers.
The table at the pageant is covered in pink - pink table clothes, pink ribbons, pink trophies, and lots of tiaras, and I can't help wonder if I should start competing if for no other reason than for the shiny stuff. Aimee tells us she's nervous about this pageant because she's never had this many contestants, which, by the way, turns out to be 50. I guess that is like running a Miss America pageant, minus Puerto Rico or DC or both (not sure how that works). Although it's not televised and doesn't involve a Trump, so that does take the stress down a notch, you'd think.
Just as choosey as Moms with Jiff!
Also? This pageant is going to be held in a school gymnasium. What happened to the hotel meeting rooms of previous times? Meh! Over in Jodie, West Virginia, we meet Kaleigha Reynolds (I know, what ever happened to names like Jane, Mary, and Dakota?), age 4, totally and reprehensibly bratty. Her mother Lauren put Kaleigha in her first pageant when she was a baby. "I was on a website, before she was born, and found a page that had pageant dresses," she says. That happens to me, too, like when I'm checking TVgasm for new recaps and BOOM! Pageant dresses!
"I told my husband, 'If we're going to buy a pageant dress, we should see how she does in pageants,' " Lauren says, proudly. Or you could consider buying a college sweatshirt to see how she'll do in a Girls Gone Wild video. Kaleigha has a collection of crowns that I would seriously steal from her while she was napping. Her mother tells us that she has a great personality. I would agree if we switched "great" to "bitch-ass nasty."
Tiara or waste basket? Can't it be both?
Over in Williamson, West Virginia (the pageant is in eastern Kentucky, hence all the entries from West Virginia), we meet Holly who interviews while wearing a tiara of star shapes! That would be perfect for like a sales meeting or something. Holly is seven and she tells us she's going to win the pageant this weekend. I like that confidence!
First of all, adorable. Second, the tiara rocks!
Holly's mom Jessica interviews that Holly has never lost a pageant. Damn! That kid must be good! Or mom is greasing the judges with a few Euros. Jessica says Holly used to have bad self-esteem because people used to make fun of her and tell her she was ugly. Who the hell would tell that kid that? She is adorable! Also, she's 7 so are kids just getting meaner earlier or are the adults just a bunch of asses!
"When I grow up I want to be Miss USA...and also, a doctor, and a preacher," Holly says. I just want my soul back. Her room is decorated with all of her ribbons and crowns and trophies. Just like my room isn't. Again, this kid is cute, so I'd like to meet the person that thought she was ugly. I'd kick some serious, serious ass.
Finally, in Sissonville, West Virginia (no one from Kentucky is profiled? Suckahs!), we meet another cutie patootie that I have to root for because she's missing both front teeth, Jadyn age 6. She has a ton of ribbons, trophies, and crowns, and damn her room looks good too! "My favorites are crowns, because they've got diamonds all over them," she says. Preaching to the choir, kid! Shiny!
Stuffed animals and no teeth! It's like she's normal!
Angie, Jadyn's grandmother says that she was more excited about the pageants than Jadyn's mother. "At first I was like EHN! because I thought pageants were for people who were so crazy," she says. Well, there are different levels of crazy. After they did their first pageant, Jadyn liked it and "people weren't that crazy." So they were crazy, just not crazy like you expected, crazy in a familiar-to-you kind of way. Super!
Look in the mirror when you do that next time!
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM