Back over at Holly's her mother says preparing for the pageants takes a lot of time because you have to pick out your clothes. Welcome to my Mondays. Holly is picky about her clothes and interviews that if she could wear pageant clothes every day, she would. I would too, that would be so much fun but probably frightening for people where I do my grocery shopping.
I could live in all that ruffledge!
Paula, Jessica's sister, stops by with casual wear. She is also the mother of Michaela, age 2, who also likes to compete in ALL pageants except for this one, as we will soon find out. "The one thing I think is so great about these pageants," Paula says, "is that they are a family event." They show Holly's grandfather and grandmother playing with the kids. "We're all there together supporting these girls." Well, yes, you are supporting them and I'd hope you'd do the same at a spelling bee too.
Hand that man the Supreme title right now!
Holly's grandfather shows her how to sashay and it's really cute. He should enter! Turns out he used to work in the coal mines and buddy, my hat's off to you. I get claustrophobic when Target is too busy, so for you to be working your whole life underground is amazing. I just cannot imagine how hard that life must be. He says he's been retired since 1995 and he gets to spend more time with his grandkids than he did with his kids. Now there's a grandpa you can really get behind, huh?
Back over at Kayleigha's house of horrible children, Kayleigh looks in the mirror and says she looks "fabulous." They all laugh because isn't that cute, but rest assured it won't be in about 10 insufferable years. Kayleigha's "best friend" besides the mirror is Makayla, who wants nothing to do with the icky makeup Kayleigh is currently ingesting. Her mom, Dawn, says Kayleigh and Lauren got them hooked on pageants. Just like the meth? Kayleigha and Makayla look like they may have the same daddy, huh Big Love. They will be competing against each other in the upcoming pageant.
Over at Holly's house, family friend Danika (seriously, WTF people?) has stopped by to apply Holly's tan but first, she must shave Holly's legs. How do I get a family friend to do that for me? That seems a little creepy for a 7 year old, but it turns out the tanner goes on better if there's no hair. I will not be testing that concept even though in the dead of winter I probably could.
What is wrong with this picture?
If you answered EVERYTHING, you are correct.
Paula disagrees with Jessica letting Holly shave her legs for the pageant. In fact, Paula seems a little more than irked about this. I agree, but she ain't your kid and she ain't mine, so let's just let it go. Holly tells a horrifying story about how some girl didn't shave her legs and used tanner and her legs were green and her body was orange. Just like Paris Hilton!
Jadyn interviews that she lives with her mother, grandmother, and grandfather. Danielle interviews that she's a single parent with a very busy schedule, but luckily she has the support of her parents. That means "money," by the way. Jadyn's grandmother is a wiz with the glue gun, rhinestones, and sequins. She rocks! Angie says the thing that makes her sick at the pageants is seeing parents who don't look like they have "a penny to their name" but the kids are wearing really expensive outfits. I bet that happens a lot, too, like kids are their little lottery tickets out of the double-wide.
Another Whatever, Martha! segment candidate.
Now Holly is over at the salon getting her fake nails put on (those will RUIN your real ones honey!) and the manicurist tells her that diamonds are a girl's best friend. So are birth control and a college degree, sweetheard. "Of course, I haven't let The Man know how much it costs, so...he really doesn't have a clue." Just like The Man doesn't let you know about the stripper he's currently seeing. See how that works? The Man is really busy.
I don't condone child abuse, but I understand it.
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM