Over at Kayleigha's house, her dad, Charles Barkley, says he's very proud of her. Hope he can keep her away from The Man. "I'm as proud of her as if she were in the NBA shooting Kobe." He may have said "with Kobe," but you know how rough the NBA is getting. "This sport is more competitive than football or baseball, because you're dealing with a whole bunch of women." I would be totally pissed at him if that weren't true.
Man, my life has gone down the shitter
since I left the Suns.
Kayleigha's mom tells us that since her daughter is only 4, her attention span is too short to practice. You know what else is the problem? Your kid is a bit of a brat. You may consider Dr. Spock-ing her ass once in a while, and if that doesn't work, try Mr. Spock's Vulcan nerve pinch.
Exactly!
Now Holly is at the salon getting her roots done (I feel your pain, I'm a bit overdue myself, except sadly my roots come in more gray now, dammit!). Paula bitches about Jessica letting Holly get her hair colored too. I get it - she is only 7 and they are probably burning her hair off, but again, not your kid. Also, Paula, wouldn't kill you to stop by a salon as mousey is not a good color on anyone.
Holly likes having her hair highlighted (alliteration! Shout out to my high school English teacher Barb!) because Hannah Montana does it and when she grows up she wants to be just like her. Just try not being like her in "acting skills" or in that o-tannenbaum dress she wore to the Oscars, m'kay?
I'd expect this from someone in Jersey!
Danielle is rolling Jadyn's hair so she can wear it up, and interviews that she doesn't like all the fakeness of these pageants. Then she should probably consider a new hobby because it is just going to get worse as Jadyn gets older. She doesn't like the teeth or tanning, but she does use the hair pieces and eyelashes. So she only half dislikes the fakeness. Jadyn says, "I'm a natural beauty and I'm perfect just the way I am." I enjoy your confidence, but you may need to dial down the hubris a scooch.
The Hokey Pokey is not the best idea for the talent portion.
Finally! We are in the hot metropolis of Inez, Kentucky for the pageant. In Kayleigha's room, her dad is singing a song to her and she attempts to shut him up by spraying him with hairspray or mace - I can't tell. "In your face, daddy!" Where the hell does a four year old pick up something like that? As if we don't know. "That's not nice, that's terrible," her dad says, and she replies, "Don't get angry now." No one like Charles Barkley angry, that's for damn sure.
Lauren interviews that they do use a few different hairpieces on Kayleigha. They should also consider a muzzle. Because Kayleigha's hair is so curly, it takes to long to flatiron out, so they flatiron in until she starts bitching, then add the hairpieces. The hairpiece is actually called a wiglet. Yes, that makes it much cuter.
That's SOME wiglet!
Kayleigha wants to flatiron her own hair, which at the age and dexterity of four is going to pose some problems. Her father says, "Let her burn her big forehead," which rude, but Kayleigha one-ups him by screaming, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I said SHUT UP!" I totally would have whopped some ass on that kid. Her dad says, "That kid's terrible." Interested in taking responsibility for any of that terror?
Putting her in front of a mirror just doubles the brattiness.
"Our goal with the celebrity pageants," Aimee says, "is to make everyone walk out feeling like a winner." People, if I've said it once, I'll say it again: EVERYONE CANNOT BE A WINNER. This is why kids feel so entitled nowadays, because everyone's feelings have to be considered and it's appreciation day EVERY DAY. Let me assure you, there are winners and losers and sometimes you're one and sometimes you are the other. That's just how it goes. It sucks, but it also makes you more interesting in the long run, trust me on this one. Also? Aimee needs some bangs.
Kill me now.
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Comments (14)
Oh my God. This recap is hilarious. The show is NUTS!! "You win. Which means you lose." I still don't get it!!!! Who knew that pageants could be so complicated? The fake teeth and hair and tans are so scary. We certainly do not have that sort of thing in the Northeast.
1 of 14 | Posted by shmoopy32 | Posted on March 10, 2009 2:35 PM
Don't hit the kid, it's not her fault. I mean, she's just a kid, her parents made her this way. And kids who act like this are actually quite miserable.
The parents should be taken out and be flogged.
I really like your recaps -- they start out all glowy-eyed over all the glitter and pretty dresses...and slowly turn into a tale of disgust and horror...
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 10, 2009 3:32 PM
Crabby, you have topped yourself! From Charles Barkley and Kobe to drunken, naked kids to Old Man Roth, I was laughing out loud!
Do you think The Man is kinda like that guy on Real Housewives of Atlanta who was keeping the blonde chick as his mistress?
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 10, 2009 6:01 PM
Dishrag looked so out of place and ridiculous and do you know how hard that was in that group? I will never understand how Kayleigha gets 2 parents, pageants, and everything a kid's heart desires and kids like me end up in foster care where their foster mother loviningly refers to them as "extra cash" Something just aint right. I have to admit a laughed a little at the end when they were trying to talk and she kept snoring. And little mop top gained 1/2 cool point with me when she was cheering for her much prettier friend Mikayla
4 of 14 | Posted by Fayellis1 | Posted on March 10, 2009 7:00 PM
Kaleigha is the ugliest kid I have ever seen.
The way grandpa said 'retired' was hillarious, b/c he said Re-tard.
5 of 14 | Posted by fatgirlsrule | Posted on March 10, 2009 8:05 PM
Still...laughing...so...hard. This recap should win super pan deep dish supreme with anchovies!!! Kudos DearCrabby you deserve shiny tiaras and adult sized swirly dresses.
6 of 14 | Posted by Fancypants | Posted on March 10, 2009 9:39 PM
If people really want to know 'What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' then look no futher because she turned into "Bratty McNasty".
I try not to talk bad about little kids but the term "bitch-ass nasty" is right on the money. I could see that she loves doing the pagents but just because she is little miss sunshine on stage does not mean she gets to act like a demon seed off stage. I don't feel sorry for the parents because they should have to live with the monster they created but like DC says the dad will be gone soon because the child talks (yells) to him like she is HIS verbally abusive mother.
Makayla was beautiful with or without makeup but Kayleigha is not and she needed all that makeup to make her face look doll-like because without it she looks like a mean old lady. She has her dad's Charles Barkley Head and she is not going to be pretty as she gets older.
7 of 14 | Posted by dreamkeeper | Posted on March 11, 2009 3:19 PM
hi
8 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 7:07 AM
Sorry for the earlier post - I was having trouble getting TVgasm to let me post!
GREAT recap as always, DearCrabby. Are you a Cancer? My friend is and she loves any reference to crabs. Anyhoo... I wanted to smack that Kayleigha upside the head. And that goes double for the parents. I gagged when she won the Grand Pizza Supreme title, or whatever it was.
You (or someone) should be recapping Little Miss Perfect on We. It's basically the same show, but it's even more of a train wreck. The families they find to profile are really pathetic. Check it out!
9 of 14 | Posted by LindaLC | Posted on March 12, 2009 8:02 AM
Great recap! I found this episode painful to watch; or rather the Most Beautiful Kayliegha painful to watch.
And that Cavelli-on-cracktacular outfit! Oh my. Watch out mama, or 14 years from now your little girl may be on Bret Michael's Rock(er) of Love XVII: Keeping it Barely Legal.
(Loved Holly's papa; he minces like a pro!)
10 of 14 | Posted by jennaboa | Posted on March 13, 2009 11:05 AM
Is it me, or does Holly (in the "Okay, here's the facials I'm going to do" pic) look like a little Kelly Ripa...
11 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 14, 2009 3:18 PM
I just wonder about how accurate the information on TVgasm is. Charles Barkley is not the name of Kayleigha Reynolds father. His name is Twan Reynolds. Get your facts straight.
12 of 14 | Posted by marvin | Posted on May 16, 2009 2:13 PM
Marvin - seriously? How "accurate" our "facts" are? These are recaps designed to poke fun at television. The Charles Barkley comment was A JOKE! If you look at the picture of her dad, he looks like Charles Barkley. The only thing needing straightening out is your funny bone.
13 of 14 | Posted by dearcrabby | Posted on May 17, 2009 3:18 PM
Dear crabby:
This is the first time I've come to tvgasm. It was recommended on another message board devoted to T&T. Your recap was hilarious.
I am just seeing these episodes for the first time. And I laughed so hard when you wrote about the demon-child Kayleigha!
Awesome recap! I look forward to catching up. Watching this show is like watching something monstrous that just won't let you look away!
Thanks,
puffy
14 of 14 | Posted by pufferoo | Posted on August 21, 2009 6:01 PM